I wish i was dead

#1

my family keeps on trying to “connect” me with men for marriage. if i left they’d never leave me alone and i wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt. i already feel guilty about existing. i can’t deal with my emotions when i’m sober but i have such a high tolerance for weed and alcohol now it doesn’t help anymore. no one in my life can help me. i’ve been through so much therapy and psychiatry and none of it helps. i don’t see any options but suicide, but i don’t want to hurt my sister with my death. she has basically the same problems and i am the only person she can look up to. so i feel like even my only realistic option (death) isn’t a very good one.

i’m sorry for dumping this on you all. in comparison to a lot of people here, i am very privileged to live in the US, have access to therapy and everything, a stable job, etc. i just don’t have anyone i can tell this to. my friends are sick of me refusing to just move out and don’t understand why i won’t do it. i’ve lost hope in getting help from therapists or anything. i just want to go to sleep and not wake up

#2

I am sorry you are going through all this, i hooe things get better soon for you and your sister, maybe you can find a job in a different state where it would look like you have no option but to move out to pursue your career, or maybe talk to your parents and tell them that marriage isn’t something that you want.

#3

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#4

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#5

what the ****** dont you dare to think about suicide, hard time will pass, u r talking about friends, i am here to listen you when ever you need, just dnt think about to end your life, think about your surrounding peoples the love ones, the haters too :wink:

#6

Don’t blame your family they are doing this because this is thier prospective of helping and loving you for ur own good, they wouldn’t understand your orientation and I don’t think they will accept it, I respect your orientation however you need to adapt and overcome this dont make ur self suffer, if yu need to talk anytime please do and u can make it and ve happy inshAllah. Take care of ur self

#7

Why should they “not blame their family” if their family is causing them pain? Why are THEY obligated to “understand their families perspective” why can’t their family understand THEM?? If someone is causing you pain they are absolutely to blame even if they’re family or related to you. when someone loves you they don’t drive you to the point of considering suicide, when someone loves you they don’t disrespect your boundaries, and I’m sorry you were taught that that’s what love is. this person is literally suicidal because of their family, now is definitely not the time to be defending them

#8

I can help you if u want because i feeling you and i life like u

#9

Habibi,
Please know that there are people willing and able to help you. There are other options besides suicide. The way you feel right now will change. As you get older things will feel differently.

It seems like it’s important for you to be there for your sister. Forgive me if you’ve already answered these questions in responses to others, but I’m wondering if you have options for continuing your education? Could you possibly focus on improving your situation through obtaining an advanced degree?

Could your family potentially harm you if they discover your identity? Are they trying to arrange marriages with people abroad? Do they want you to move overseas? I realize these are things that other people have also asked and I presume you’ve already explored these options.

But you are not alone. There are ways that your situation could work out. Have you explored options for a Lavender marriage? There is a very good article about a woman who was able to arrange a Lavender marriage (‘marriage of convenience’)

If that link doesn’t work, just google:
My Kali A Marriage of Convenience 12 July 2020 Written by Shusha

Please remember that you are not alone. There are people in the world who can help and most importantly, things will change. Your feelings will change. The fear and guilt you feel now may transform into confidence and willpower. It may be that your family won’t accept you but it’s also possible they will. The most important thing is to accept yourself. If you’re not able to do that, it doesn’t matter whether or not your family accepts you.

There’s also another good article at:

Or you could just google:
BBC ‘It is possible to be Muslim and a lesbian’ 14 January 2019 Jonathan Holmes Katie Horwich

Please know that there are people who will listen and people who care about you. Even if we don’t know each other personally. I greatly empathize with the situation you’re in. You are most certainly not alone and suicide is not the answer.
~ Aya

#10

I hope you all the best
But death is not a solution