I feel like I’m in hell

personal
identity
#1

I am not an Arab but I live in the Middle East, I have been for a very long time. I think growing up in this environment is one of the reasons it’s so hard for me to accept who I am.

I’m desperate to leave and move to a more open, more western country where I could be out and free and unafraid. I feel like I’m in hell everyday. I feel so alone. I find myself bursting into tears all the time. I could never talk to anyone about this. I am not out to my family or friends and I feel like I’m such a coward. I have suicidal thoughts constantly and I fear it will only go downhill from here.

I’m glad I came across this website. It’s serendipity, I think. Finding something when I need it the most. I have never voiced out my thoughts like this. Maybe this will be the light at the end of a very, very long tunnel.

#2

i can genuinely relate to you completely. the loneliness overcomes all other emotions. most days you wake up and you feel empty, hopeless, uncertain of what the future holds. wondering if you will find love, partnership, friendships, community, and then nothing and nothing over and over again. but let me tell you what gets me through it, it’s been just to focus on myself as much as possible. my mind, body and spirit, in every way. after learning to love myself then the loneliness started feeling less bad because i enjoyed spending the time in solitude, and found things i love doing, hobbies worth pursuing. it hurts like hell but the less desperate we feel the more we become available for others to see our true personalities and love us for who we are. this is how i made friends, met lovers, developed very meaningful relationships. that hope is important. and your patience counts, and it matters.

i know it’s much easier said than done but hang in there gemma. it’s going to be okay! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

#3

Not an Arab in the Middle East here. I work too hard, to the point I don’t even have a life. Nobody really understands but how to explain that it’s all so that I don’t have to go back to my own homophobic country and that I can go somewhere western. So, can understand you completely and so sorry that you are suffering. Well not alone now, at least.

It really sucks. But, like skyflake said, it helps if you learn to be alone. It will help even further if you start taking active steps towards getting out of the ME. Hope you can do that. We are here for you :heart:

#4

Thank you so much! My sentiments exactly. It’s so freeing being able to talk about this and I’m glad someone understands. I just feel like I’m going to combust very soon.

I’m trying to get back to reading and watching movies and doing things I enjoy. There are good days and bad days, I suppose. And you’re right, I should just focus on myself. It’s just so hard sometimes.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Means a lot! :slight_smile:

#5

My country of origin is not very accepting as well. It sucks when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere.

I will try to focus on myself. And on getting out of here. It’s just hard. One day at a time, I guess.

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot, really. I just need to vent and rant. Having a community like this is nice. I have your back as well :rainbow_flag:

#6

its really hard to live this life pretending to be something were not, and passing through all of these feelings that some of the closest people to us don’t know about and the societies expectations, you feel like you came from another world, but everything has an ending no matter how long it takes at the end you will have everything you need to live in peace

#7

This user has deleted their account

#8

That’s one of the hardest parts, I think. I remember this one time I was out having dinner with my best friend, we’ve known each other since we were in pre-school literally, and I kept thinking that I’m hiding this massive secret from her and it feels so heavy in my chest and she’s the one who’s supposed to know me the best but she doesn’t know me at all.

It definitely sucks, hiding who you are.

#9

I think about that a lot too, but guess what? It will get better. I came out to a specific number of friends I knew were going to accept me. And they did. They’re not much, but I realized having one true friend is better than having plenty that don’t know who you are.
I don’t know which ME country you live in or which area, so I don’t know how much people can be accepting if you come out to them. I know that cz Ik it is different depending where you are.
All I can tell you is don’t pressure yourself into doing something you don’t wanna do, and don’t come out to anyone unless you are 100% sure you wanna do it. That is something very important I learned.
I hope I helped you, and remember you are not alone. We are all here for you ! :heart:

#10

Just the thought of coming out is terrifying! You’re right, it’s not something that should be rushed. If I were to come out, I think I’d come out to my little brother. I know he would accept me and he’s a good kid. Thanks for replying. Means a lot! :hugs: