After a long time again...writing story and I hope to find similar people like me.
When i was young, I had no idea about homosexuality...I grew up in a straight community and all I knew that someday, I will be with a woman and she will be my wife. She will be my best friend. The sexual nature was not there.
Then came pornography...I remember that I was really attracted to the guy. I watched a lot of lot of times without realizing the consequences. As a teenager I was addicted without realizing to straight pornography.
The funny part is...I used to fantasize doing it with a girl...I wouldnt get erect'...yet trying to get the reward of orgasm I still did it and you know how? I used to fantasize about a guy, easily get aroused and then think of doing it with a girl. All thoughts never real. After I used to finish I just use feel bad and swear to myself that I would never do this again. But the never really happened.
Still I had no idea and I didn't even want to accept myself as gay. it was such a horrible thing to me.
I clearly remember my first crush ...it was in a mosque and I beside a guy and I was totally having butterflies in my stomach.
I think unconsciously I didn't really mind about my homosexuality, but I showed off tendencies that obviously caught others attention and it eventually attracted a lot of name calling and bullying.
Being insulted so much I could empathize with many other marginalized group. I am glad that my prejudice towards them was not developed and I had a sense of justice, which my teenage immatured peers clearly lacked. I am sorry I sound judgemental but this was really true.
I slowly accepted but i was not official. I often thought I liked a girl but I was rather admiring her personality. I did not try to struggle sexually and I was like this perfect male material who knew how to respect a women. Not that I had sexual thoughts. I did...but somehow it did not last long. I was ok with it.
But then I finally realized back in 2010.
My life had never been the same. True I became increasingly religious but I was more depressed, emotionally.
Believe I have tried and tried. I have prayed. I was so hopeful that Allah will finally bring me out of my shame. But that was not the case. I was introduced to positive interpretation and I was more than happy to accept who I was.
Now comes the turn in my story,
After being so sure that i was not attracted to women, after coming out, I suddenly had feelings, rather anxious one towards chicks. I was hypersensitive to wards my arousal to any cues associated with female genitalia and I was increasingly horrified,
Does it mean I will have to settle with a girl. I was just so shocked. My sexual confusion just increased and my anxiety heightened.
I know a lot about my pathological mental condition but it does not help because it hurts me. It was most probably the result of my previous pornography use but it totally changed my viewpoint towards.
I now have to make conscious effort to stop the sort of annoying arousal towards women and even though I do this to keep away from anxiety, i feel guilty that I may be giving up my chance to be straight.
Sometimes I am very motivated to marry, because of the prospect of having kids ( weird I never really wanted them, but that's another story)
So here I am totally confused, not by the fact that I am genuinely attracted to guys but baffled by the fact that I get arousal feeling by looking at a girl even though I am not attracted to her. Sometimes even the clarity leaves leaves all...I dont know how to explain the feelings.
I never really had a healthy sexual growth and this is affecting my adult life. I don;t know whether i should marry and give it a go or not. This is conflicting, an emotional itching that never really wants to leave,
I dont know what I will do in the future and this makes me really sad.
Are there others like me here, who knows that they are different yet they feel very confused or rather cheated by their own brain? .