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I'm the unknown..

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I shed a tear when I realised what this forum is about. It's like I found a bright star in this darkness called life. Read and comment, please.

I'm an 18 y.o guy. A straight-bisexual-gay guy!
Depends on the mood! I've always been strongly attracted to women.. And still.. And I think I'll never be satisfied without a girl.

On the other side, I feel a little attraction to men.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

In 3rd grade, some of the kids in my class had a little sexual game going on.. So I joined them.
We "played" it for a whole year. In 5th grade, we brought it back to life. We really enjoyed it.
After 6th grade, I moved out of Egypt.

It seemed like it was going okay.. I had a GF. I was attracted to her both physically and emotionally. But we didn't do anything sexually.. You're definitely familiar with our society. We broke up at some point.. I don't remember when.

The problem is, the lust for trying again what I did in the past is haunting me. I fantasies about doing it again.. A lot. Well, it started with being just a fantasy. I started watching porn.."transsexuales..gays" and feel guilty afterwards.
I've always been soo open-minded about homosexuality. I just didn't see myself as a gay person.

The deal is.. I don't really know what I am. It may not be a priority to label myself as in figuring out my emotions and attracions. It's like I'm 85% attracted to women, and 25% attracted to men. And the percentage depends on my mood! The only time I was attracted to a man emotionally.. Was my best friend"straight". We were like the friendship you dream to have. Everyone talked about us. At some point I started having dreams about the two of us getting together in the most sensual/romantic way possible. I started looking at him differently.. And maybe, I fell in love. It all changed when he got a GF and stopped hanging out.. He became a different person and I was devastated, for losing a friend.. And losing my crush.
I don't feel the same way about anyone else.

What is killing me... That I may be a bisexual. And that's harder than being gay.

-What if I fell in love with a girl and got married? -Will I ever be satisfied? Will I have the urge to cheat on her with a man to fulfuil my desire? I'd rather kill myself than cheat on anyone.

-Am I really gay and just convincing myself that I like girls too so I won't give up all of my straightness?
-Am I really straight and these gay feelings exist only because the only sexual interaction I had was with a boy? "It was simple stuff.. We were kids"

-Maybe if I slept with a woman I'll see things differently.. Whether I'm straight or gay... Or I'm really a bisexual!

I've always been mentally unstable..big time!
And this confusion might not be the best thing I need right now. I'm going through a lot lately.. And having gay dreams these days is not helping. I've always been suicidal, and a self-harmer since I was 9. Please help me figure this out.

Thank you.


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