I am writing this letter to give a detailed history because I have been suffering from emotional turmoil and confusion and I think it is highly time I should speak about it.
During my childhood I had sexual encounter with a male and also a female. It was way beyond my understanding on what was happening and I do not think I have felt bad about as I do now( but not too extremely. I do not appreciate what has happened). I know it can be called be abused as I had no idea during that time what has happened, however, now as an adult being fully aware feel kind of guilty since I did in a ‘participate’ in both actions but I dnt remember achieving any orgasm. Even though I reason with myself that at that young age I was not able to make proper decision like I do now, the ‘negative’ feeling does not leave me and leaves me troubled. I highly think that this is a problem with self-esteem, but confrontation is not helping and it still leaves me feel upset.
I was introduced to pornography at a very very young age. I had my first sexual encounter with a guy I believe a very long time back (it was my cousin). I remember achieving orgasm with a boy in the neighborhood and saying to myself that I would never do this again! But of-course that continued and I discovered masturbating. I think I had images of women from the porn (that is my penis penetration into a vagina but not necessarily the whole image). I never really had proper sexual dream with a women but I had few with men. I get aroused to straight porn but it was largely due to the guy and not the girl. I was nevee really attracted to women but I had quite strong attraction to men.
I somehow slowly got to realize the gayness in me however I thought it would be phase ( and it isn’t since I still kinda like a boy who goes to pray with me in the mosque).
After my O levels, I fully realized I was gay and gre extremely scared because of non-acceptance of lgbt folks in Islam. I tried really hard to change myself but ended up developing anxiety disorders.
I do understand women a lot and think I may be a good husband but I do not have strong romantic attraction towards them. I think I do have internalized homophobia so I often tend to think it is not ok to not have feeling towards women and I self-motivate myself that I fo have feelings towards them.
However this creates a lot of anxiety because I do not think I have genuine attraction towards women but men. My therapist and I had a few row but because she did not realize I was gay myself( I did not exclusively tell her so), the misunderstanding created more problems. But the moment she did realize she immediately went into counselling me on how to accept myself.
Now comes the real problem. The problem is my feelings: complicated and confusing. There are constant thoughts (which are sexual in nature) about females triggers feelings ( which I cannot really say they are positive but more negative). Although visually I understand their beauty but I am not drawn into it however, the inside feeling is disconnected and kinda forces me to admit that I am attracted to her. Anxiety kicks in but I know how to deal with it. However the feelings never escapes leaving me really irritated and makes communication really hard with girls as I constantly want to avoid them ( however I dnt. I force myself to still speak with normally regardless of what I feel. Sort of a cognitive behavior therapy). I am depressed because of this I want this to end.
There are goo supportive explanation for religious acceptance f lgbt folks however I am afraid to accept them and in way really blame my sexual conflict and orientation for creating this mess. Bit I still want to accept things for the better and I need help. As I told, I may have internalized homophobia.
Another weird thing is that, I find myself lusting after girls and sometimes feel good about and happy. But this does not last long. I find myself doing it and then it last for a short time. But then if I want to continue tis lasting I seem to feel depressed and lost. There was this idea of experimenting but I seriously dnt want to bcs I want to challenge my own assumption. What really confuses me is this good feeling bcs I heard gay people does not normally lust after girls like that and I even thought that was true because I have been with girls and I never felt genuine attraction. After trying to change myself this has happened.
I think I am suffering from a lot of problems and I need your people to help me. Kindly provide good suggestions and if want to ask further questions. You can ask. I will be happy to provide you answers as I really want to free myself from this abnormal situation. .