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Issues about myself and need serious help, especially from a doctor

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Dear members

I am writing this letter to give a detailed history because I have been suffering from emotional turmoil and confusion and I think it is highly time I should speak about it.

During my childhood I had sexual encounter with a male and also a female. It was way beyond my understanding on what was happening and I do not think I have felt bad about as I do now( but not too extremely. I do not appreciate what has happened). I know it can be called be abused as I had no idea during that time what has happened, however, now as an adult being fully aware feel kind of guilty since I did in a ‘participate’ in both actions but I dnt remember achieving any orgasm. Even though I reason with myself that at that young age I was not able to make proper decision like I do now, the ‘negative’ feeling does not leave me and leaves me troubled. I highly think that this is a problem with self-esteem, but confrontation is not helping and it still leaves me feel upset.

I was introduced to pornography at a very very young age. I had my first sexual encounter with a guy I believe a very long time back (it was my cousin). I remember achieving orgasm with a boy in the neighborhood and saying to myself that I would never do this again! But of-course that continued and I discovered masturbating. I think I had images of women from the porn (that is my penis penetration into a vagina but not necessarily the whole image). I never really had proper sexual dream with a women but I had few with men. I get aroused to straight porn but it was largely due to the guy and not the girl. I was nevee really attracted to women but I had quite strong attraction to men.

I somehow slowly got to realize the gayness in me however I thought it would be phase ( and it isn’t since I still kinda like a boy who goes to pray with me in the mosque).

After my O levels, I fully realized I was gay and gre extremely scared because of non-acceptance of lgbt folks in Islam. I tried really hard to change myself but ended up developing anxiety disorders.

I do understand women a lot and think I may be a good husband but I do not have strong romantic attraction towards them. I think I do have internalized homophobia so I often tend to think it is not ok to not have feeling towards women and I self-motivate myself that I fo have feelings towards them.

However this creates a lot of anxiety because I do not think I have genuine attraction towards women but men. My therapist and I had a few row but because she did not realize I was gay myself( I did not exclusively tell her so), the misunderstanding created more problems. But the moment she did realize she immediately went into counselling me on how to accept myself.

Now comes the real problem. The problem is my feelings: complicated and confusing. There are constant thoughts (which are sexual in nature) about females triggers feelings ( which I cannot really say they are positive but more negative). Although visually I understand their beauty but I am not drawn into it however, the inside feeling is disconnected and kinda forces me to admit that I am attracted to her. Anxiety kicks in but I know how to deal with it. However the feelings never escapes leaving me really irritated and makes communication really hard with girls as I constantly want to avoid them ( however I dnt. I force myself to still speak with normally regardless of what I feel. Sort of a cognitive behavior therapy). I am depressed because of this I want this to end.

There are goo supportive explanation for religious acceptance f lgbt folks however I am afraid to accept them and in way really blame my sexual conflict and orientation for creating this mess. Bit I still want to accept things for the better and I need help. As I told, I may have internalized homophobia.

Another weird thing is that, I find myself lusting after girls and sometimes feel good about and happy. But this does not last long. I find myself doing it and then it last for a short time. But then if I want to continue tis lasting I seem to feel depressed and lost. There was this idea of experimenting but I seriously dnt want to bcs I want to challenge my own assumption. What really confuses me is this good feeling bcs I heard gay people does not normally lust after girls like that and I even thought that was true because I have been with girls and I never felt genuine attraction. After trying to change myself this has happened.

I think I am suffering from a lot of problems and I need your people to help me. Kindly provide good suggestions and if want to ask further questions. You can ask. I will be happy to provide you answers as I really want to free myself from this abnormal situation. .

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  • You fully identify as gay and not as bisexual, correct?

    What is the source of your anxiety and feelings of guilt? It is religion? Because there are many homosexuals who are deeply religious and who embrace Islam more than some heterosexual people even. I don't see why you should feel guilty that you're homosexual or that you engaged with homosexual activities since a young age. That is the process of discovering one's self and needs.

    I think you are allowing some of your judgements and prejudices about gay people cloud your idea of what is "okay" and what isn't. Don't let people dictate how you feel. Your main issues appear to be some issues with your childhood because of the early sexual encounters, do you think this is why you are feeling anxious and confused?

    You can't change who you are or how you were born. You can only change your own attitude about yourself. If you won't accept yourself, how would you expect others to?

    Reply to OmarTheWarrior
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f3
    Comment

    You need to accept yourself it's the only solution !! and about what happened to you when you were a child you don't have to feel guilty about it cuz you're simply Not guilty ! don't need to panic like this you're just scarring yourself ! look at us how we're dealing with it ! Just calm down okay ! it's okay don't worry and i'm sure you'll find help here.

    • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
      Comment

      Well I am trying to be less anxious these days but the problem is, after i came out to few of my parents I started noticing that i am checking out girls. It is becoming less but wht confuses me that from my inside there is this inside forceful thought that wants to make me feel that I like girls or if I go down I may like it. I am not disgusted my girly parts but I just dnt know why this is so forceful. After i tried to change my sexual orientation and I can still see attractive guys but not feel for them and I look at girls o matter what their age I feel I might like ssex with them although they are not attractive, And i aso become anxios which I am trying not to be. I dnt what is wrong. Am I straight or gay or is my body taking revenge against me or am I angry and wanna take revenge or what? I really need help :(

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    I would advice you to first get rid of all the labels. You don't have to identify as gay or straight or bi or anything else. Sexuality is fluid. Don't worry about religion. You're the only one who can define your relationship with God.

    That said, what you have to learn is how to be comfortable with yourself. You can achieve that by building up self-acceptance, allowing yourself to be everything that you are without guilt, shame or doubt. You should work on being confident as a person, as who you are. I struggle with confidence issues but I have been building it up and I can tell you that a lot of the obstacles that bring us down are in our head and we have the power to move past them.

    Learn to accept yourself as you are, love yourself. If you feel like things in your past have affected your sexuality, then accept that because it's ok. A lot of things affect our sexuality. Don't stress about who you are attracted to or who you should be attracted to. If you find yourself fantasizing about women, then by all means go ahead! Fantasize away! And if it's a man you want, then go for it! Why not? You don't have to apply any label to your sexuality. Look for a meaningful connection with a person. If it's a woman or a man, then just allow yourself to love and be loved. No labels, no nothing. It'll be just you and that other person sharing a deep connection that will surpass your doubts because that connection will remind you that in the end we are all just human.

    Travel, read books, meet people. Discover who you are, what you love to do and what your passions are. Live. Do more of what makes you happy. Don't let the past hold you back. You have the power to change your life. Go beyond the Shoulds and Shouldn't's that society and culture present you, and know that you can create your own unique path to self-acceptance and self-discovery.

    Reply to Edel
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f3
    Comment

    I think you are bisexual you just don't realize it ! you can't change you're sexual orientation believe me I tried it didn't work ! you like both girls and boys.
    Now you have to accept yourself, and let go of your past and live for the moment :)

    Reply to Shamy
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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    I thought of it but I realized that my girly attraction is probably compulsion. I think as per ther if I were bisexual, I wudnt worry since I would live with a girl be staisfied, have kids or no kids yaddi yadda. the problem is that I once asked a gir;l out because i thought I was attracted to her. But then after talking for four days, I was feeling bad for no reason like i could not do it anymore. It it then when I realized the gay part of me because I was in an online relationship with a guy and three months just breezed away where as four days with her were like I dunno. It's a good we broke up earlier. We because really good friends.

    Reply to SadisBad
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f3
    Comment

    Well ! probably you're more attracted to guys cuz a part of you likes girls.
    But it's only the beginning okay, you'll have more answers with time ;) , and don't need to worry okay, you're discovering yourself and your desires and your thoughts and everything about you ! step by step and you'll be fine :))

    Reply to Shamy
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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    I know you people are trying to be nice and all but I cannot stop being sad all the time. I do not want to experiment sex with women but mind always finds a reason to do the experimentation and it's like a compulsion. I am really tired of fighting with myself, always looking up into the internet for Islam and homosexuality with out any solution because i do not allow myself to be happy with the supportive explanation or end up being in a serious debate with the ones who are against homosexuality. I have noticed this feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration and stress in me for a continuous period of time and it leaves me wistful. I do not have any contact with my psychologist. I feel pressured anxiously guilty where as I am the one who gives hope to a lot of other people. I am not really genuinely. One thought that constantly comes up in my mind that keeps me sad is the future prospect of no progeny. Please do not judge but once my psychologist (unaware I was gay) has told me I might regret not having a children. but once she understood it was me who was actually gay she suddenly just changed and tried being all supportive. i do not understand why is this affecting me so much because i am taking this as a sad future. I do not know what I am actually looking for and I also get very angry at the thought of being married because I feel just mad and really pressured and also I judge myself for being bi. I know I like guys but a part of me also feels that being a bit homophobic and hateful to myself I think of getting married and look for the pleasure in having sex with women. I never had sex but then those thoughts of experimentation comes. This cycle of thought continues and I cannot forgive myself.

    Reply to SadisBad
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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    Also I cannot stop comparing my past with the present. All of a sudden I finding the girls sexually pretty I did not find them so before but, finding them this is not making me happy and when i am seeking comfort by not sexully finding them pretty and I get depressed this perceived issue of progeny comes up. I just dnt know what else to think about. I really just sad :'(

    At the same whenever i pray, I just keep on remembering these bad stuff that i just want to shout at God and be very angry and want to know the truth because these differences in opinion is making me really mad.

    Dear Edel, you have told to not to worry about religion but I just can't. There is just too many thinking and when people tell me to just stop..I do but th lingering bad feeling just never goes away.

    • 25-34_m_w_h4_f4
      Advice

      But why isn't it okay for you to find some women sexually appealing? You might be bisexual and that is fine as well.

      Also, a lot of people are sexually repressed. Even some married people who don't get along with their spouses but don't want to have any extramarital affairs. They get sad about that too but you shouldn't let these urges dictate your life. There's no reason to "forgive yourself" because you didn't do anything wrong, we all have these thoughts and feelings and we all felt guilty about this one way or another. What makes us different is that we didn't let this take over our lives and destroy it with feelings of self-loathing or guilt. You are capable of this as well.

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    • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
      Comment

      I am not sure whther I really find them sexually appealing. I have been asking myself that question. Today I went to an office and there was thihs really pretty women. I had those thoughts but my feelings werent really nice. But Then I looked into this man and it was ok. What i am trying to say is that my feelings towards are men are positive mostly but not towards women,.. You are right. I dnt want extra-marital affairns or anything and I feel sad about it a lot. Or any sort of affrairs. But I have absolutely no idea why my mind and feelings does not settle. Can you guys read in between these line and help me find out?

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    To be honest, I am a bit scared to accept myself. It is really hard. One thing I can do is simply try to ignore.

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