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It's the Last Straw

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I am listening now to Christina Aguilera's Beautiful looking for a rejuvination of self-empowerment and self-esteem. But of no avail. The tune fades away and back to the hollow low of self-esteem. I am afraid of myself, of the world, of everything. I am alone. My homosexuality is killing me. I am dronwing in the downright spiral of dumb loneliness, of low self-esteem, low self-assurance, low self-confidence till I step into the complete state of lowness - death of my soul. I am not happy. I am not content. Sick of bearing the heavy burden of my homosexuality and its conundrum. I fell in love once in my life and it was over. and Ever since I am whirling finding the right man. Am I to blame? whose to blame? ppe around you fool you and I am sick of playing the hetero to please pple, society and God. Death is the ultimate solution. I am desperate. I hate myself, is that a divinbe punishment? wanna cry my tears out. guys, I am dying.

  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f1

    i know this might not be helpful, but at some point it will get better. but it won't get better by itself. i think you need to carefully think about if there is a way to make a change even though it's hard. don't do it right away. just take your time. but it will get better.

    Reply to naila
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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f3

    There is no divine punishment if you've haven't done anything wrong.. even if you have I don't think God works like that. It's so hard to find the right thing to say to a stranger online, but know that you are never alone. There will always be people who understand you, who want to help you and listen to you, and who know what you're going through and have gone through it themselves, and you'll find us on this site and in real life. Please don't take any rash decisions. Look for help, look for people who will support you, and take care of yourself above all. Life, faith, and love will click into place with time and patience and hard work. For now, focus on taking care of yourself.

    Feel free to reach out to me if you need to, there are sites and, depending on what country you're in, phone numbers there to help you, in Arabic and English, for all faiths, and for all sexualities.

    Reply to arabsest
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  • No one to blame dear, especially not yourself :) You're amazing the way you are and the way God has created you we all are and society and ignorance are the problem not us. Your homosexuality is not a burden its WHO you are it is no shame either accept it fully cuz if you had then you wouldnt have felt this way. Self acceptance is the key cuz once you start to love and accept yourself the way you are you'll find ways easily to improve everything else. As cruel as this may sound but love was never everything at least the romantic kind of love. You can fill your life with so many things that'll make you happy instead of this loneliness how do you even expect to find someone when all you do is drowning in your own self pity seriously get up and go out there find things to do fill your life with things you only live once and its unfair to waste it like that. Dont expect to find love when you're not even giving the chance to anyone to find you or if you continue to not love yourself, others see us the way we see ourselves dear :) so start seeing yourself strong and awesome and erase the idea of "low-self esteem" from your head because if you repeat it you'll end up believing it then it'll be the only way you can see yourself hence others will too so just start by convincing yourself that you're just fine (cuz you are!) repeat it to yourself and you'll believe it then act on it! Songs wont change the world around you only you can so get out there and start doing it.

    Reply to Delusions
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  • Suicide never is the answer. I have done it before.. more once actually where i slipped into a coma, where people that are dear to me cried and i realize that it will never make anything right, it hurts those people who cared for you either directly or through their eyes and such.. and suicide is a cowardice act it is never the best thing to do.

    Songs, can always do much, but they never help you to get through it all. I heard like 300+ motivational, gospel, spirit building type of songs and i have bunch more in my 1TB external..but it only help a little..

    While Love, as many things we human do, whatever we act on it will find its way to bite you in your ass. Love is one of them. Love is sweet when you are in one, and it is also painful sometimes. But my mom, who knows about my sexuality said that a heart must be broken to know what is true love, before you find it in others give it away and love yourself first. I asked her, why bother give love and love myself if there are no one out there for me? She said with a tears in her eye and a smile on her experienced face, when you love yourself you will shine even in the darkest night, and by giving away your love you will receive it 10 folds. Take your time..and never rush it.. Love always there we just need to be patience.

    In conclusion, everything starts with you. I live alone.. and my family is continent away..but i take each day as a blessing and live it.. if the Karma somehow wanna fuck with me (to put it simply) i will walk with my head held up high while giving it the finger. Sometimes, i learn that a cold bedside, is better than having a fake lover.

    "I've dreamed many dreams that never came true.
    I've seen them vanish at dawn.
    But I've realized enough of my dreams thank the Lord,
    To make me want to dream on.

    I've prayed many prayers when no answer came,
    Though I've waited patient and long,
    But answers have come to enough of my prayers
    To make me keep praying on.

    I've trusted many a friend that failed,
    And left me to weep alone,
    But I've found enough of my friends that are really true,
    That will make me keep trusting on.

    I've sown many seeds that have fallen by the way,
    For the birds to feed upon,
    But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hand,
    To make me keep sowing on.

    I've drunk from the cup of disappointment and pain
    I've gone many days without song,
    But I've sipped enough nectar from the Roses of Life
    To make me keep living on!"

    "We all find love in hopeless place" Rihanna..

    Good Luck

    Reply to MiKa_TheGayAgenda
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