I am have always been interested in girls and boys since I was a teen. I didn't acknowledge it in the beginning. But I accept it in my self now. I have fallen for guys before, but with women I feel it's deeper emotionally. So I was recently divorced from my ex-husband. I went into work to support my self. I was really heartbroken and wanted nothing to do with love.
A few weeks later I meet this girl and our eyes met and I felt this connection with her that felt strange. Usually with women, I first get to know someone and then I realize that I like them. So it was never from first sight like it is with men. But this time it was different, I was definitely interested in her and was thinking about her more often than not. But I felt my feelings were under control and I purposely stayed away from her because it was not something I wanted to pursue. I would like to add that I have never actually been in a relationship with another female. It was mostly one sided crushes.
So anyway, It was all under control for me, until she started being around me. I would see her where ever I went. It started to annoy me at some point and I would ignore her because as I said it was not something I wanted to pursue. that lasted for around two months. And then suddenly she just disappeared. I didn't see her around anymore. When I did she would smile, but then that was it. I know she must have gotten the hint. But then I started feeling sad. I realized that I missed her. I would have this panicky feeling that I had to see her. So I would go looking for her. I just realized that I wanted her in my life. Even if it's as a shadow, haha :p I love her with all my heart, and think about her all the time. I have tried talking to her when she was around me all the time, but I felt like she wasn't interested in talking to me. Which annoyed more at the time, because I didn't know what she wanted just staring like that :s
And then I hear from a friend that she was in love with another man, whom didn't love her back. And that floored me. I didn't understand what was her behavior about with me. Was she just playing? did she realize I was interested and wanted to test me for her own ego? what was it?
My friend told her that I knew of her relationship with that guy and she started crying saying how she respected me and wished she (my friend) hadn't told me about it. So I don't get it.. What does she feel for me? My friend (which happens to be the guys friend) keeps mentioning how her guy friend and I are similar in temperament. And she used to mention that a lot.
I felt very disappointing and kind of hated her for playing with me that way.. I was fine when I first met her. I was interested but I didn't love her. Now i just don't know what to think of her anymore.. am I loving the image of her in my mind? after all I don't really know her personally. I just don't want to see her anymore, I get these horrible feeling of wanting to hug her and strangle her at the same time. :p I do still love her though. She is free to love whom she chooses, I have to respect that. I just have to deal with the wreckage in my own way.. I can't wait to get over her though :)
Thanks for reading my rant.. I really needed to get that out of my system :).