I found out that i was gay when i was like 11 years old , Basically i noticed at once that i liked men , i accidentally hit a porno site and this picture of a man and a woman and i just gone crazy for the man i almost didn't notice the women.
i haven't told anyone else but at some level there some family members suspects that there is something i hide , i mean my parents each caught me watching gay porno , i was just like try to make excuses and that it was an accident or whatever and we have a little talk about it and we never talk about it again , then after 2 or 3 years of me finding out i was gay , i met him the person who rocked my world , and we became friends and we would hang out but every time we met my feeling for him grew stronger and stronger and then we got a little bit separated in high school , i choose a different major , but we would see each other every other day , i got so busy with studying that we didn't see each other for a couple of years except on our final exams at which point i was thinking about him all the time , i was trying to treat him in a cold way and push him out of my life although all i wanted is to stay in his arms forever , i was so much in love with him that if i saw him coming near me from a distance , i would get nervous and sorry for saying that but i would get an erection when he stood like 60 cm away from me , and it would be worse when we shook hand there is a spark between us literally , and i become a hot mess of emotion and after we finish our high school we never seen each other for couple of years but we still chat on facebook.
my emotions of him is so conflicted that i don't know if to keep him in my life or keep him away for his safety from me , and the problem is i can't do both , for example right before we totally lost touch , we chatted a little bit and he told me he is having a minor surgery and discontinued our conversation before i ask him why or what or when , that day i was worried sick and i couldn't sleep until the next day i had some earns to do with my mom and we passed near his home , i lost it and told her i'm going to see him , although we hadn't seen each other for 2 years , here i was standing in front of his door , i told him i would be there for him , and i broke that promise cause i was afraid to be a part of his life , now he hates me so much and won't even talk to me , still i'm can't get him out of my head !!! now all i want to do is to tell him that i love him and doesn't matter if all hell break lose.
if you read that far , i would like to thank you for taking interest in my story , i hope i didn't bore you , but it felt good to talk!