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Best friend told me she's gay

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Hi there

This will be a long post i'm afraid. You are warned. I have to type this, or else i'll freak out. And i don't want her to think lowly of me.

A while ago, my best friend told me she likes girls. It came out of the blue.
I just was so stunned. I looked at her and didn't know what to say.
I'll never forget the look on her face. She was scared, i guess. And so nervous.
She said, i hope you're not mad. And hope we could still be friends. I said ofcourse, nothing will change. It's just so weird. ( well roughly translated ofcourse, i said this in Dutch, we are both originally from East Africa, but we grew up in the Netherlands)
But i did ask if she was sure. She said yes. And then i said oke. I dunno, i feel like everthing maybe changed.

I came here, and read all these stories. And I can't imagine how hard it must be to have this secret. It's just, i never noticed anything. How could i not notice anything? I thought i knew everything. I feel so sad. And I don't even know why.
We are these group of 4 best friends. But she just told me. I think it's because we see each other almost every day and we meet with the other two girls just once a week.

I asked her if she is going to tell the others, she said no. I understand. They are pretty conservative ( or something like that) and they would freak. They usually tease me being the weird one from the group. In my culture it is very uncommon to marry outside your own culture or country. Or to want to delay marriage. I am just not ready for kids and all that responsibility. I like going to uni and just hanging out with my best friends. And she is the same. Or so i thought you know.

She is the only who understands me. When I had this huge crush on this egyptian guy from school, she was the only one from our group who didn't tease or roll her eyes like not again. She did say he was hot too, that's whats so weird. Was that a lie? I just want to be there for her, but how? Because i don't understand.

I just want to talk to her like always, but i don't want her to think i hate her now. Or homophobic. Maybe i am. Because if i wasn't i would say something like it's cool girl, no worries. Or i am gonna look for some hot chick for you. Thats's what she would say if it was the other way around. But instead i am thinking how could you not like a guy. All those beautiul men and none you like, really? I know i am horrible.

I am worried for the future also. What is she gonna do? Look for a gay muslim girl? Where will she find someone like that in this small country. And don't think she can tell her parents, they are very religious. And our other friends will probably just tell her its shaytaan and your imaan is maybe low or something.

Also, i am pissed that i didn't knew this before. How could she not tell me.
And all those times we used to joke around lookin at guys in the park.
Wat was that all about?

And if she does find a girl she likes, will she and i still be friends?
I she was with a guy, every once in a while the guy would want to hang out with his friends and she could comeover and we could have a girls night.
But that's probably not gonna happen if she meets a girl right.
It will be like having a lover and a bestfriend at the same time. She won't be needing me anymore.

I will see her tomorrow, i won't tell her all this, because i don't want her to regret the big desicion she made by telling me and only me. And disapoint her by not understanding. She is still my best friend.

I just had to get all this out of my head.

If you read this till the end, your awesome. Any advice is welcome. Maybe you could tell me what you would like to hear from your best friend after you came out to them.
If i sound ignorant or maybe homophobic i am sorry. It's just all so.... I dunno.

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  • You shouldn't be pissed, this is what we all did with our friends. People deal with their sexuality differently, some are in denial and others hide it in fear of the consequences. You shouldn't be mad that she was probably just trying to fit in with you and your group of friends without raising an eyebrow.

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  • The fact that she told you is a huge deal. A very BIG deal. It takes a lot of guts to come out to a friend, or to anyone in general. This means that she values your friendship so much that she wants to be open and honest with you. For this, she should earn your respect and also your trust. She should be the one to choose who she comes out to, so out of respect for her you shouldn't tell the other friends or anyone else. You should just try to understand, even if you don't, she won't mind if you asked out of curiosity. We are all curious. When I came out to the first group of people they were curious too. The friends who didn't accept me, and who chose to ridicule me instead, I just walked away from them because they don't deserve my friendship. Does she deserve yours? Your acceptance of who she is will be the only thing that determines that. In return for her trust in you she deserves your appreciation at the very least.

    I hope you will do the right thing in comforting her and in telling her that you are here for her to discuss this whenever she wants. She told you for a reason, and that reason is that she needs someone she can trust and lean on.

    I also hope your friendship with her is even stronger than before now that she has chosen to reveal this very intimate detail about herself that most people choose to hide.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    Hey, go easy on yourself. Think about this: You were brought up with people who have been against homosexuality, and it's kudos to you for recognizing what is really important here. She just came out to you. It's OK to have all these feelings. You're having them because you don't know what it is to be gay. You're a really good friend because you're making the effort to understand your friend and not rejecting her for something that she is. But go easy on yourself. This will be something of a culture shock for you and it will take time for you to come to terms with it. The more you understand it, the better you'll know and feel about the whole thing.

    Your friend has been as honest with you as she can be. Gay is not the only thing a person is, they are other things as well and she has been herself with you, except she just left out a tiny bit of detail. She is still the same person who has been with you all this time.

    Now if you want to understand how things are with her, think of it like this. How do you feel when you're with a guy? When you're dating someone? It's the exact same thing, except with a girl for your friend. When you have a boyfriend, do you stop needing your best friend? No, right? Same goes for your friend. She won't stop needing you just because she has a girlfriend. I'll repeat it again: She's still the same person. Now you know something about her that you didn't before and you can either let that knowledge strengthen your friendship with her or let it destroy it.

    When I came out to my sister, she had those same questions for me. What about my parents? My future? I told her that I knew what I was in for and that I knew it will be difficult but I can deal with it. The most you can do now is have her back and be there for her.

    Go easy on yourself about what you feel, it'll take some time for you to get used to it. When you start feeling overwhelmed, just focus on your friendship with your friend and try to keep an open mind. Discuss your feelings with your friend and make sure she understands that you're on her side and that you need her help to have a better understanding of everything.

    Reply to Edel
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