This will be a long post i'm afraid. You are warned. I have to type this, or else i'll freak out. And i don't want her to think lowly of me.
A while ago, my best friend told me she likes girls. It came out of the blue.
I just was so stunned. I looked at her and didn't know what to say.
I'll never forget the look on her face. She was scared, i guess. And so nervous.
She said, i hope you're not mad. And hope we could still be friends. I said ofcourse, nothing will change. It's just so weird. ( well roughly translated ofcourse, i said this in Dutch, we are both originally from East Africa, but we grew up in the Netherlands)
But i did ask if she was sure. She said yes. And then i said oke. I dunno, i feel like everthing maybe changed.
I came here, and read all these stories. And I can't imagine how hard it must be to have this secret. It's just, i never noticed anything. How could i not notice anything? I thought i knew everything. I feel so sad. And I don't even know why.
We are these group of 4 best friends. But she just told me. I think it's because we see each other almost every day and we meet with the other two girls just once a week.
I asked her if she is going to tell the others, she said no. I understand. They are pretty conservative ( or something like that) and they would freak. They usually tease me being the weird one from the group. In my culture it is very uncommon to marry outside your own culture or country. Or to want to delay marriage. I am just not ready for kids and all that responsibility. I like going to uni and just hanging out with my best friends. And she is the same. Or so i thought you know.
She is the only who understands me. When I had this huge crush on this egyptian guy from school, she was the only one from our group who didn't tease or roll her eyes like not again. She did say he was hot too, that's whats so weird. Was that a lie? I just want to be there for her, but how? Because i don't understand.
I just want to talk to her like always, but i don't want her to think i hate her now. Or homophobic. Maybe i am. Because if i wasn't i would say something like it's cool girl, no worries. Or i am gonna look for some hot chick for you. Thats's what she would say if it was the other way around. But instead i am thinking how could you not like a guy. All those beautiul men and none you like, really? I know i am horrible.
I am worried for the future also. What is she gonna do? Look for a gay muslim girl? Where will she find someone like that in this small country. And don't think she can tell her parents, they are very religious. And our other friends will probably just tell her its shaytaan and your imaan is maybe low or something.
Also, i am pissed that i didn't knew this before. How could she not tell me.
And all those times we used to joke around lookin at guys in the park.
Wat was that all about?
And if she does find a girl she likes, will she and i still be friends?
I she was with a guy, every once in a while the guy would want to hang out with his friends and she could comeover and we could have a girls night.
But that's probably not gonna happen if she meets a girl right.
It will be like having a lover and a bestfriend at the same time. She won't be needing me anymore.
I will see her tomorrow, i won't tell her all this, because i don't want her to regret the big desicion she made by telling me and only me. And disapoint her by not understanding. She is still my best friend.
I just had to get all this out of my head.
If you read this till the end, your awesome. Any advice is welcome. Maybe you could tell me what you would like to hear from your best friend after you came out to them.
If i sound ignorant or maybe homophobic i am sorry. It's just all so.... I dunno.