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An anarchic spirit

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Am I just a poor choice? Am I that insignificant? I'm not in pain nor living in felicity, I don't really know who the fuck did I become, I'm a humming soul, I'm splintered, I'm feeling miserably aimless; according to the symptoms I have, I'm seemingly a complete mess, chaos, and a disturbance in the flesh.

I don’t want any modulation, I also don’t want to remain this way for good, I’m apparently all about contradictions, I’m a human wannabe; I’m utterly lost in this maze, my beating heart is no longer full of pulses, It’s just there because I merely know it is. I no longer know how to love someone; on one hand, I ask for passion and affection all the time; on the other hand, I’m not even humane enough to love myself thence I won’t be able to love anyone or anything, I once thought I’m a hedonist but ‘’MEH’’, Hedonists love themselves immensely, they are all about narcissism.

I tried my hard not to self-diagnose my state of mind; yet, I just can’t help it cause my symptoms are so obvious; they are crystal clear, I’m no longer asking for anything, I ask for nothing, I just want to figure it out, I want to reveal this secret beyond my existence, why the heck am I still alive, I’m getting knocked down, I’m falling on the ground, and I’m aware of this fact, I’m infected and proud, I’m not grumbling or complaining cause I’m not even sure of what I’m going through, There’s nothing to complain about, I’m tremendously entitled for this life.

I want everyone to stay away, I don’t want the world to see me until I’m fully healed & recovered, I don’t have any sufficiency of coexisting by any means. I can't have a BF or even a friend; maybe, I was never meant to be happy? If anyone out there have any answer, PLEASE; SHOW YOURSELF.


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