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Devotion to family

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I'm feeling trapped. I'm lesbian i live in the Middle East and I LOVE my very conservative and religious family. especially my mom.

Due to cultural issues it's nearly impossible to maintain a healthy romantic relationship in my country. It's very painful because i really want to have a partner. I have seen some people here advising others to move to some GLBT friendly country but it simply is impossible to me. Why? because i can't leave my parents. It's not just a sense of duty. I feel as if i can't live a day without them. If i leave i probably will never see them again and if i stay and continue to tie my life to them i can't have any life of my own.

This problem is affecting other aspects of my life too. I can't make any real decision because i have no clear goal ahead of me. I am almost always depressed and anxious.

I know all of this seems really whiny to you but this situation truly upsets me :( .

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  • 25-34_f_b_h1_f1
    Experience

    Dear Talia,

    First thing,setting your goals or some other imaginary goals would help you a lot as finding a job that makes you able to afford living by yourself.
    Second thing, there is no such thing says that you will never see them again,I had the same situation with my parents after I moved out,but things changed after a while.I did not clear the reason for leaving except being independent,had to struggle ,feel alone,scared , abandoned, not welcomed and I felt like i took the wrong decision so many time,but life goes on .I am ,now, in contact with them again,in contact with my sister who already knows about my orientation and I´m much stronger, and quite independent person , now.Life takes a lot of risk, you have to risk many concepts and so called manners; the society forced you on, to survive .And life is too short to keep living in circles ,lost and pretty much confused . You will get older and regret every single second you wasted surrendering instead of fighting for yourself.Hopefully that would help.And I´m here for any further support.

    • 17-24_f_w_h3_f3
      Comment

      Thank you palkokapo for your advice.It seems really unfair to me that we have to go through so many problems and carry so many burdens.The main problem for me as i have written before is that being lesbian becomes an obstacle when i want to be a loving daughter.If i were straight i would've helped them much more.but as it is, i have to put a certain distance between myself and them in order to have any semblance of a normal life.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    Talia, you will have to move away from them at some point. Say you were straight and you get married and move to a different country and see them every six months or so. You could handle that and it's kind of the same thing except different reason (sans partner, as well). At some point we have to separate our lives from our parents. Polkokapo's comment is great and she's right, it's all worth it. In the end our parents want us to be happy. I think we should do just that even if they won't see it that way at first.

    Reply to Edel
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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    Well I don't want to sound cocky but I think my parents will have probably no choice but to reply on me ( i dnt mean to sound obnoxious but who will have to provide for them when they get old? It's a responsibility from Allah(swt) and I will be happy to fight with myself and give them whatever they need). I love my family too and at some point I think of marrying a girl be all mysterious and creepy and let the girl know my willy dosn't feel good inside her and and then all the drama and rest Allah(swt) knows what aill happen...i know its evil *sign*!
    Anyways back to you, try to move on and see if you can apply to any uni...try for the Ivy leagues..or any US LGBT friendly unis...they might accept you and explain to your parents and that hardly have any interest in marriage or that u are sterile or I dunno make up a reasonable lie and still contact them. You can always let them know that you can;t give them everything even if you want to just like they couldn't give you anything you 'demanded' even if they wanted to. Its a question of ability. Sometimes assertiveness is better and ask Allah(swt) for help if you believe in HIm.

    Reply to SadisBad
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  • 25-34_m_w_h4_f4
    Advice

    It's very normal to feel this way. When I faced rejection from my family I immediately fell into a depression and I even ended my relationship with the person I was with because I was not stable enough to maintain whatever it is we had. When your own blood rejects you things get really tough but you have to move on and move away at some point to give yourself enough space.

    They don't have to know the details of your identity, at least just give yourself space to be yourself and you can always visit them when you miss them. You need to be more independent if you want to live your own life and not have a life that is filled with regrets, missed opportunities and fantasies. Of course that would make you feel depressed and anxious at all times. You can change that if you take control of your own life and ultimately your own destiny. I know it hurts to leave your family behind but there's really no other way to know yourself if you don't give yourself the much needed space for self discovery.

    Reply to Samir82
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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    I see my future as your past and present. It's what I'm aiming for as well. To move out and live in an LGBT friendly place. It will be difficult, like I can't even imagine now, and they won't ever know the real reason but I'm hoping that I won't lose contact with them entirely because I love my parents.

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