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Coming out to my mother

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Okay, deep breath!

I want to come out to my mother. My father passed away when I was six years old. I am an only child, and my mother is currently my only family.

Many times during our deep conversations I want to bring up the fact that I am gay to her. I just don't know where to start, is it the right step to take?

I want my relationship to her to be based on nothing more than facts. I want to be able to talk to her about these things. She is the only person in my life that I would trust to be there for me.

I understand that this will either make or break our relationship.

Is it worth it to come out?

I need her to love me for who I am. It's too much of a burden to keep this from her. It feels like our whole history was based on a lie. .

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  • 25-34_m_w_h4_f4
    Advice

    Hi Butterfly, you should definitely test the waters before diving in! Before I came out to my family, I asked each and every one of them privately about their thoughts on homosexuality. I first came out to those who had the least negative reaction. I worked my way up gradually from there. It's not something you can do in just one sitting.

    You need to guide her through it. Start a conversation. When you notice that her reactions are becoming more and more positive, you can come out to her. I held my mother's hand while I was doing it. I should note that my family did not have the best reaction like i imagined they would. I expected my mother to hug me and to say that I'm her son and that she loves me no matter what. That didn't happen. Don't have positive expectations from this because it might end up hurting you like it did with me.

    Reply to Samir82
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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    Like Samir said, this has to be very gradual. You have to help your mother see things differently and be her guide. One of the best advice I've ever gotten is 'Don't stop yourself from thinking about it'. You can pass this advice onto your mother. Denial only makes things worse and if she faces the reality of your situation she'll eventually accept it and with acceptance usually comes tolerance.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
    Comment

    I didn't get a proper description of how your mother is, but you know her best. I think it's completely up to you whether you think it's a right or wrong step to take. Though if you're planning on going with it, like what Samir and Edel said, this definitely has to be really piecemeal.

    Reply to Awktopus
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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Comment

    Some days I really want to come out too to the people I am closest to in my life, but everything in my body tells me not to. Unfortunately in our societies coming out is like admitting that you're dealing heroin on the streets, it has the same consequences if not worse.

    • 12-16_m_b_h3_f4
      Experience

      I hinted at this in another topic but my opinion is that at the end of the day it becomes about having to choose between truth and convenience. In some cases you don't want to come out but someone else ousts you or you are 'caught in the act,' which is a different and more challenging story, but the reaction from your family can be the same no matter how they find out.

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  • 51-65_f_f_h1_f3
    Experience

    I have done that this morning. I asked her. She thinks it's a bad condition that requires psychological treatment. It looks like I won't be coming out to her anytime soon.

    • Default-avatar
      Anonymous
      Comment

      let us know how it goes

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      No surprise there. When people don't want to accept something, they try to rationalize it. Your mother, well mine too actually, needs to be educated- gradually. I'm warming my sister up too but so slowly and subtly, I know it'll take forever but it's important. I hope things work out for you.

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    • 17-24_m_w_h1_f4
      Advice

      I'm sorry she thinks that way. It doesn't come as a surprise, as Edel said. We need to remind ourselves that our parents grew up in an environment that's very closeted and conservative compared to ours, so they don't understand homosexuality and what they don't understand scares them. It seems to me, from what you said, that your mother loves you very much and I hope that love is enough for her to accept you over social expectations. However, like what was mentioned earlier, it might be better that you do it very gradually, maybe help her gradually understand sexuality more? Best of luck!

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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Advice

    This is a process. Coming out is very significant. It changes people's lives and their relationship with their families and friends. You have to do it in small, little steps so that when it's done, you won't have any regrets.

    Reply to Joon
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  • if u really ARE close to her i think it wud be a good thing to tell her the truth cause u wont have to keep pretending ur straight , but before doing so u should definitly bring up the topic about lesbianity , tell her that u think one of ur friends is lesbian , see how she reacts , because if u confront her and everything falls apart , u will really regret it . i tried the same thing with my mom , i tested the waters , but sadly she didnt respond the way i hoped she did , so i havn't told her yet

    • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
      Advice

      agreed with this. in a situation like this, no surprises are good surprises. don't get your hopes up either, these things almost never turn out the way we wish them to.

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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
    Comment

    well i think shes the only family you got,n u have been together jus he two of you your whole life n for so long now,right?..i think by you not telling her there will be that distance between you to,but am not telling you to jump off and tell her now cause you know your mom the best..what i think take things slowly and wisely cause your all she got so pick the right thing for both of you but maybe if you tell her she'll come around and accept you eventually.

    • 51-65_f_f_h1_f3
      Comment

      I know, but the risk is unbearable, probably more so than keeping this a secret. We're very close right now as it is and this is the only thing she doesn't know about me. I don't want our relationship to be an awkward one as she's the only family I got.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Advice

      ^^ I think you shouldn't do anything about it unless you really have to. When telling her becomes the best option then you should tell her. But till then, she doesn't need to know if you think it'll make things awkward.

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  • @butterfly i hope you will be strong always. i dont know if i can be any help but here goes.

    both of my parents know i am gay and they support what i choose and what i am today. sometimes they even fix me up on a date just to feel the thrill of being a loving parent. they know am gay, when my contribution to the Malaysian gay society became a talk in the social media, TV and some NGO. and one day we gathered for dinner and my mom began by asking me; "If you know I am a whore and your father is a drug dealer and we've raised you with all that HARAM money and that abomination lifestyle, do you still look at us as your parents?"

    it was abrupt question and if am not mistaken, it was Ramadan. i was silent for a while until i could feel their gaze bore into me and i answered: "You guys gotta do, what you gotta do to raise us up. It is between you and Allah and not me to judge. I still love you guys no matter what. Family stick together, for there where home is."

    Then my father, said: "So, we dont mind if you are gay. Just dont bring your sex life in public. other than that we are okay. whatever you do in the room keep it in your pants."

    the story here is that i never plan to tell anyone I am gay. I dont give a rat ass at all. but from that moment i realise that having someone to look after you make you feel safer. hence, i started to gather some of my cliques that i trust and start to build a connection between them. and one by one i told them my sexuality. out of ten 2 left 8 sticks..and now i have more. My family, and my friends they are sincere about me even that they are looking forward hearing my stories. sometimes my gf asked for advice so does my bf.

    all in all, i guess it turned out ok. As long you plan it, you get it.

    with your mom, try ask her, have you seen a gay guy or lesbian girl causing trouble in the public eye? if you can set your mom mind set in a correct way maybe she can be open. My mom, thanks to me have some lesbian friends now. At first she wasn't thrilled by the idea but now she likes it, for they understand woman better.

    Joie De vivre my dear @butterfly.
    Sincerely- Mike

    • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      I really admire your parents' acceptance to your sexuality. I can't ever imagine my parents being that way, even though they love me and etc., just can't see them accepting that part of me. That's why I never plan to tell them. Part of me thinks that their mindset on that topic will never change. I just have a few close friends and my partner (obviously, haha) who know. And I'm happy this way, not everyone has to know in my case. I feel like it's a private matter anyway. So, I'd rather keep this small circle of accepting and understanding people just the way it is.

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    • Happiness come in a room. And you are stuck with anyone who is in the room.

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    • i know its hard to do that, but the longer you hide the more difficult will be in the future , honestly i have 6 siblings so maybe that was the reason my mom accept "she is not fine with it" not at all , but she tried to take me to psychologist and then she took me to a Shikh to read for me quraan or whatever that's ! even my mom doesn't pray and she is not covered or that religious woman , and once she told me that she would go to the jail only 6 month if she killed me , and she was telling many bad things .. instead to that i have not seen my self i'm doing wrong , i told her about my dreams and that i'm attracted to men , also my dad was standing in my side and telling me that to excuse my mom but after all its not my problem i gave her the chance to change and she could not!
      but i have to say we live together and celebrate together and she is more accepting with the days but i would never forgive her and she knows that things inside me was broke . and i wish i did not tell her at least i will be scared if she would ever know rather than to hate her for treating me for not my fault and its not god fault , being gay its not a fault

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  • I know that i might be going against the grain in this thread, but tbh I don't see why "coming out" needs to be a thing, and I have never ever thought about sitting with my family members and giving them the talk about my sexuality. However, I do understand why some would want to do that. I guess you are the type of person who needs to talk about it, in that case then you should tell her, but as others suggested, carefully. What do you think is her view about the subject? Before you tell her, you should build up the conversation to a point where you ask her about her opinions. DONT directly tell her you are lesbian, you should hypothetically ask her, "mom, what would you think if I was a lesbian?". That way, if she goes super saiyan on ur ass, you will get to say "MOM I WAS JUST KIDDING, I SAID HYPOTHETICALLY" )

    Reply to shutupurmouse
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  • i know exactly how you feel , before i came out to my family i felt like the worst person on earth hiding that big part of me from the closest persons to me ! i'm not saying that you shoud jump in and tell your mom all out the blue about something as big as that and expect a positive reaction out of her ! you need to take that decision based on how close you are to your mom how open your relation ship is but you need to know that no matter what believe that she loves you wether she took your coming out with a hug or tears after all she has your best intrest in heart ! don't give up

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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f2
    Deleted
    Advice
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  • Hello everyone, from my experience with my familly when i told them that i'm trans i just opened the great third world war because my familly is a familly of monsters even before i come out, i felt just like you before coming out that i need to let everything out and i don't regret it but it was a tough choice to take, anyway, they would know that even if i didn't come out, sooner or later something will happen and they will discover that you are gay or something else, that's my opinion, so you can't hide for too long and you can't come out just like that either.

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