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gay teenager who wants to share his feelings......

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hi... i'm 16 years old , i live in Yemen .. and i'm gay , i'm also an atheist .. i don't think these are the most important aspects of me or that they should label me , but they're the ones i want to talk about here .. since i feel so badly that i need to talk about it, it's just so hard to keep it all inside you.

it's really devastating actually .. i can't say that i'm not living well as i'm living with a well financially secured happy family.. but it really hurts that you have to be someone you're not most of the time .. and to think that people who love you might not feel the same anymore if they knew you more .. i often feel trapped , feel that i'm someone else.. sometimes i have to wake up in a Friday morning to go praying which i don't want or feel neither a use or need for just to seek my family satisfaction as if my "afterlife" their business , to hear some sick guy whose all his life purpose is to make us feel contempt toward different people which i often find my self innerly feeling that i'm that "different person" .. i go to school and we have to study and involuntary be convinced that God just massacred a whole tripe just because they were gay .. that people who don't hold our same religious believes and ideas are just BAD! even if they do good stuff ... and that's not rhetorical it really happened about a weak ago .. the Islamic class teacher told us that a good deed is only good and acceptable if it came by a believer, and not just a believer a Muslim one .. while all non-Muslims good stuff they do are just a waste of time considering it's just a matter of a trading business for them -according to him!- .. while it made me feel a bit content that a student did actually stand and objected , as i felt more devastated that most of the class were just so submissive and agreeing with such an idea , and the saddest part is that even i didn't have the courage to stand and make my disagreeing opinion, not just there , lots of times i found my disagreement just a repressed inner rebel that cant really come out.

it makes me feel so depressed to think how i'm wasting my teen years which are supposed to be the happiest of my life on being a miserable hypocrite who spend half his time indulging his sociopath thoughts.. i really want to move , i did apply for a high-school scholarship , it just probably wont work.

we also moved out this year -just to a different house- so i had to change school, and i haven't yet got to know or make friends in my new school and neighborhood yet , i honestly been feeling so lonely lately .. i really don't feel so "fit-it" living with the people i see and meat everyday , sometimes i even question myself "am i just a social loser who tries to blame it on others?" ..

i just don't know what to do .. i'm depressed and i'm not even sure i know why.... Ciao!

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    What you said about family rejecting you based solely on what you are, I hear you. I feel that way too. It makes me so sad to think that they will never know or accept me or a family that I may have in the future. But then, I don't think about it. This is the reality of our situation and you know what, you gotta accept that that's how it is. You should know that teenage years are never that great because we are dealing with excess emotions and changes, so don't be sad about having such a bad time. It will pass. You won't always be in school, and you can work your way out. Be independent and focus on building a life for yourself. Look, if you think about it, you'll find many reasons to be sad. So don't think about it. Put a smile on your face and take it one day at a time. It WILL get better, because you're going to make it get better. Don't let depression hold you back. You are strong and self-aware enough to recognize your sexuality and beliefs, now use that to make your life better. You're in a new school right now, so give it time. Be pleasant, respect yourself and do things that make you happy. You're not a loser nor are you alone. I felt like I never fit in with my classmates either and I had a lot of trouble making friends (and guess what, I didn't even know I was gay). Think of yourself as a loser and others will think of you that way. Go easy on yourself, you're stuck (for now) in a place that doesn't agree with you, so it's not really easy being you and that's OK. If you can't fit in, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. You're just in the wrong place. Be positive, be healthy and work on changing your life. You're strong and you can rise above it all. As far as the religious stuff goes, listen from one ear and let it out from the other. I'm Muslim and I disagree with a lot of what they're teaching you, and there was a classmate that spoke up, so you're not alone there at all. Don't let your negative thoughts bring you down. Your problems are important but don't let that be the only thing you have.

    • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
      Comment

      Hey. This was three years ago, so I'm not sure you still frequent this site, or if you'll ever see this. But anyway, I'm OP and I never really got to reply to you back then. It's been more than a year since I last visited Ahwaa and I wanted to come back today and read what 16-year-old me wrote.

      I just want to thank you, because the things you told me back then helped me so much, and eased my depression a lot. Things did get better. A lot actually. I've moved to the US for college, where I'm surrounded by a community of amazing, open-minded, and tolerant people. I will forever remember the first time I came out to my two best friends here, and yes, like most people in this city they were completely supportive. Sure I still have problems, and personal anxieties like we all, but I'm not nearly as alone, cynical or sad anymore. And now I realize how much more life can bring and how the optimism you tried to instill in me back then made so much sense. Again, thank you so much, Edel, for giving me support and advice back when I was scared, confused, and had none of that, and no one else. Your comment made so much difference in a teenager's life who was confused and afraid and helped them get to where they are today, I thought you deserved to know that. xo

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      Hello again scrubble! It is certainly nice to hear from you. I am so glad that I could help! Really happy to hear that you are now in a supportive environment and are doing so well. You will always find support here, and I can always be reached through PM here too.

      Sometimes support comes in providing a different perspective and I am happy that I was able to give you that. I hope you always remember your journey and maintain your positive outlook. You are very inspiring to have come through so well and hope you always continue to do so.

      It's great to hear from you. You made my day!

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
    Experience

    I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I spent most of my teen years feeling as miserable and insecure as you. I also felt guilty that I had to live a complete lie in front of my family. Over time you meet someone you want to be with and it gets better because you get to be around someone who understands what you're going through and you can share all these thoughts and feelings with them. It is nice to have someone you can trust around you at all times taking care of you when you are down. Especially if they can also relate to your struggles.

    It took me many years to come to terms with my sexuality and to finally feel secure enough to start being with others. Once I realized that I wasn't alone in this it felt much safer and I gained confidence.

    We all go through this phase and you're still so young, in a matter of years you will look back and be glad that you had the time to reflect on what you are going through. It will make you a stronger, braver and more admirable person.

    Reply to Reem
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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
    Comment

    being positive and all, it gets better.. from a 16yo to another, have a good day, you'll live soon.

    Reply to kutakilu
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  • what really made me mad out of all the things you have wrote is your teacher, some people who are not muslims do some great deeds to help the mankind..ever saw an arab business man who gave away half of his fortune for cancer research?! ever heard of one that goes to hospitals EVERY SINGLE DAY dressing as batman..just to cheer up the sick kids?!...never heard of a hotel for the homeless?! , what i see here is this is just racist..., and Dear friend life gets better :) , when you go to college you will have a lot of friends, probably meeting a guy that you will love and he will love you back, i mean EVERYONE gets his chance...just jump to it and seek it when it shows up , a little risk will harm nobody. :)

    Reply to soloman876
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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f3
    Comment

    I can relate to you a lot scrubble, I'm also a gay and an atheist but I didnt really feel depressed until I was 20 years old, I'm sorry you're thinking about it at this age. My depression also started when I changed colleges, that year I changed was terrible, I felt sadder, more insecure & I couldnt smile like I used to, but I assure you it does get better, now I'm 23 years old and I'm feeling more confident about myself, I'm still very angry yes, but I plan on using this energy for the right reasons. ;)

    What you said about what made you an atheist is very similar to my story, and I'm sure there are many people who feel the same way but they're afraid to come out. In egypt atheism is really growing that it's actually noticeable now and people talk about it everywhere, which is a very good thing. What I care about right now like you is moving from here, but only to feel safe so I can help take a stand against religion. I know you want to take a stand like your friend but it's useless against bigots like your teacher.

    I hope I helped, if you have any questions please ask scrubble and hang in there, please we need people like you. :)

    Reply to ramyahmed
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