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Family and expectations

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i lost my family over my identity. they expect me to go back to beg for their forgiveness. i am instead waiting for their apologies for the insulting and hurtful treatment. i don't deserve this. and if they put me through it just because of who i am, then they don't deserve me.

this is the hypocrisy of the whole situation. my uncle beats his wife, he is forgiven and loved. everyone accepts him and treats him normally. his wife files for divorce, he refuses to divorce her, threatens her with custody for the children, he remains welcome in our home. the same home that i am not welcome to. not because i hit anyone. not because i am abusive. but because i am gay.

this is not just how my family treat me.

this is how my society treats me.

hypocracy and double standards. doing this in the name of religion but committing crimes and having that be more acceptable than your child being in a loving relationship with someone from the same sex.

i am not ashamed of who i am. i do not feel guilty. i am ashamed of having them as my family. and living in a society that routinely accepts this behavior. .

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  • 17-24_f_w_h1_f1
    Comment

    This is a terrible situation to be in and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I have always expressed how appalling it is to be dismissive of absurd violations such as forced child marriages or abusive marriages, or even marital rape, which is barely as frowned upon as homosexuality, and arguably considered "acceptable" in far too many countries, still. People honestly don't seem to grasp the hypocrisy in this backwards mentality. You are better off without your family in this case and you are right, they don't deserve you. I only hope that one day they will come to realize how wrong they were for treating you this way.

    Reply to إسراء
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  • 25-34_m_b_h1_f1
    Advice

    Nothing you done warrant being ashamed of or feeling guilty about. I would have to say that if my family was like yours, I would feel the same way.

    Those who treat their own blood like trash for being born different while tolerating violence and bigotry are less than trash. Ideally a family is there to at least respect you for who you are. The moment they stop respecting you, you should rethink your position about them.

    Of course I can say this, because I don’t live your life and it’s easier for me to say it, but it’s you who have to live it. But at the end if it all, you have to make up your mind about whether you want to keep running into that brick wall over and over again or stop and run around it and never look back unless that wall crumbles.

    • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
      Experience

      this is the issue. i feel if i walk away it might haunt me. i know myself and i know i will have regrets if i don't win back their love and respect somehow. it hurts to stay and it hurts to walk away. right now it feels that i don't belong to anyone or anywhere.

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    • 25-34_m_b_h1_f1
      Advice

      It will haunt you and you will have regrets, but this shouldn’t control your life. I can tell you that the regrets you will have if you walk away from your family, won’t be nowhere near as cruel as the regrets you will have if you go down this path and waste your life trying to get something that you can’t possibly have. This regret will eat you alive and lead you down a very self-destructive path.

      Having said that, these are something you might want to consider:

      You can be an idealist and dream and hope that your family will one day accept you for who you are. If you can grow old happy and content this way, then go ahead. Of course the downside is you should only do this if you believe in the likelihood of the stars aligning to entertain your every whim.

      At the same time you can be a cynic and end it all and go live a life by yourself and shut everything else out.

      Or you can be a realist and know that your family won’t change under any normal circumstances. If you are positive and patient then you can educate the ones who will listen, and maybe one day you will get what you want from at least some of them. But at the same time don’t forget to live your life the way you want with those who accept you. Know that your place is with those who accept you and not with your family who frown upon you for being born different. Learn to accept the fact that you can’t have everything you want. This is a very simple fact about life that majority don’t seem to understand until they become wiser with age or thru a lot of life changing experience at a younger age. For most, even age or experience isn’t enough and they end up going down a never-ending spiral till they die.

      Right now, all you need is a bit of self-actualization before you start to have even more regrets and go down that never ending spiral.

      In the mean time I am going to go sit under a banyan tree and talk to myself about the meaning of life.

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  • Default-avatar
    Comment

    Well, I do not think I can understand , as I am living in another country than my family, and it does help a lot. I told them I will contact them when they have educated themselves about homosexuality. My dad asked me to change my name, and my parents do not want any one of the relatives to learn about it. I honor both of the requests, but when they refr to me as a pervert or ill, I willnot stay quiet, and remind them that they are not educated on the subject and are ignorant. Well, my whole country is homophobic. Just try to ignore your family.And if u can, educate your siblings, young people are more likely to change their ways I think.

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  • 17-24_m_b_h2_f4
    Advice

    i know that what im abt to say may sound stupid/cheesy/non-sense and all , but i dont think parents r capable of hating , being angry or offensive towards u or any other form of 'typical hate' is just misguided love , cuz even if they try they cant forget the baby u , the elementary school years , the times u were sick and all that , if u cant talk to them or dont want to , plz dont hate them , cuz deep inside they adore u and them not showing it doesnt mean they dont .

    • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
      Comment

      What about honor crimes though, when the father or brother kills his daughter because she "dishonored" the family in some way? It happens everywhere. There are many parents who are monsters to their children. Also if they disown them because they find out they're gay or something.

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  • 51-65_m_w_h1_f1
    Experience

    Families are not meant to be lived with for the long term, just in our growing up stage. Sorry to hear that yours are very homophobic. Mine have come to terms with who I am but I don't live with them to avoid any possible tension between us. Our relationship is distant but stable, which is more than I can ask for.

    Reply to OmarTheWarrior
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  • I‘m so sorry. This is so outrageous. I really wish things were different and I understand your dilemma. I really do! I hope things have cooled off a little and that you can carry on without shame or guilt. After all, all you‘re asking for is that they acknowledge your identity. Is that really so much to ask for? They don‘t have to stop being straight for God‘s sake. Why do they keep acting like THEIR world is falling apart? How does YOUR sexual orientation, who YOU want to love affect them in any way? It‘s just pure fear they‘re living in and it is in fact stupid!

    Reply to globetrotter47
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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
    Comment

    it is a tough thing to ignore because they were all i had. you are lucky that you lived somewhere else but being in the same country and knowing the culture it makes it that much worse for them to know about my identity and how often they get to torment me about it. ignoring it is ignoring my history and ignoring a big part of my heart. i hate their hypocracy and what they did to me but i still love them. i did my best making them understand my situation but it never worked. they will not listen. they said even being in the house is a sin for them and that i had to leave imediately. i am suffering over this.

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  • 25-34_f_b_h2_f3
    Comment

    All these feelings and all this good advice is good for you... but it is also so overwhelming. And it's true, you can't walk away from your family so easy. It's easy to say: "I will be around those who accept me"... but you also want "those" to be your own flesh and blood- the people who gave birth to you, the people you have childhood pictures with.. you want to make meaning of all of that, you need to. It will help you sleep better and be who you are better.... Otherwise, it will be such a hard challenge for you. And yes, it causes so much suffering... but it's worth the fight. You won't be able to shut it out until you try to open a million and one doors for them... in more than one attempt...

    So take it one step at a time, how long ago did you come out to them? Where are you now? How long do you FEEL in your gut this will take? What can you do about it besides have a few tragic and emotionally violent family meetings?

    Eventually, you have to come to terms that it is your life... it IS...... remember that. Yes, you owe them your respect and love, but are you depriving them from that simply by being who you are? No. Don't feel anger towards them. They are just angry and angry minds can't think straight... you think straight always and make sure to keep your calm and swallow some pain for just a little longer... until you are sure there is no tolerance 100% and that tolerance in their minds goes hand in hand with love. It seems from your anger towards them you still have hope. It might take several years, several weeks, several months. But keep the hope running until you feel it will cost you your life, your wellbeing, your health... and then focus on the reasons of your existence beyond belonging to your family and parents.

    Good luck and enjoy the journey despite the crazy slaps in the face.

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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Experience

    I always pray that love will go hand in hand with my family's tolerance of my identity. Sometimes their way of justifying their anger and harassment is to say that they love me too much to see me like "this." They are too proud to even imply that I am gay.

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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
    Experience

    dont hold your breath joon. unfortunately [some] families surprise us in bad and least expected ways. im very angry and shocked at mine.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f3
    Experience

    I'll second that skyflake! At this moment only my sister knows and our relationship has changed. I don't think my other family members will react differently. That's why I'm not telling them; maybe later in life. But at this time in my life; I need to be financially independent. I'm not expecting any hugs when that day will come....God give me strength!!

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  • i really understand you . i might understand u more than anyone in the world . my grandfather was a diplomat , he traveled alot without my grandmother and he 2 children , and during that period he was free to sleep with as many women as he wished , he drank , he went to bars , nightclubs and much more and they all looked up to him as a cool guy. my other grandfather beat my other grandmother up all through their marriage infront of my mother and my aunts , and yet they still loved him and they " portrayed " this wonderful image of him to us all . he kept beating her up till he could not because got paralayzed through half of his body , he's dead now from cancer. my aunt had a romantic affair with uncle's bestfriend for 5 years and we recently found out. my father flirts with all the women you can imagine . and guess what , they are ALL treated perfectly , but NOOOOO being attracted to the opposite sex is COMPLETELY unacceptable . and ofcourse i havnt told anyone anything . only 3 friends know , and 2 believe its only hormones and i'll get over it , the other is a gay american .

    • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
      Experience

      it's the hypocrisy and double standards they've been fed through their life. anything that is different to what they are used to is a crime. anything that is different is a threat to honor. very sickening mentality that is costing us our lives.

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  • 25-34_m_b_h3_f1
    Comment

    Hi.. M gay 34, jatt sikh, above middle class ,want to marry ,sincere leabian girl who is forced by parents to get married and have children nd who wants to marry n settle finnally the only way to fullfill parents desires.
    Only the resonable msg me gursandeep1984@gmail.com

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