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need help to find out who i am

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i just wanted to ask this question for two years now but i didn't know anybody i could talk to them about but since now i'm here in this great website . i wanted to ask how did you find out that you're gay and how did you felt about the fact that you're gay.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Experience

    Finding out that I was gay was a slow and painful process. I didn't come out till I was 21. I was never homophobic but since it had been drilled into me from an early age, I thought it was wrong. Sure, I showed signs of being gay but I didn't realize that that was what it was till after I came out. Before I came out, I had crushes on guys, little things that meant nothing and never lasted. However, the first major sign was when I was 15. I fell in 'lust' with this girl, and I wanted her badly. Of course, I couldn't even imagine that it was because I was gay. I firmly believed that it was a choice, that people choose to be gay. I had never felt anything like it before and it scared me, so I went on destructive mode. I interpreted my feelings all wrong but I couldn't rationalize them no matter how hard I tried. Then three years later, I met this other girl. I fell in love with her, and I like to think she returned it. Well, it definitely seemed like it anyways. While at 15 the feelings were all about sex, this one I wanted to know and be with forever. She made me feel all warm and safe and I could write a sonnet on how I felt about her but I'll leave you with, I was madly in love. She started going out with this guy and I had never been that jealous, hurt or betrayed. People told me that I had no right to and that hurt me more. I wanted her for me, I was just possessive or so I reasoned.. After that fell apart, I would try and figure out why was it that that kept happening. And then finally, two years after, I went through my old journals, thought about what attracted me, and saw my past for what it was, I came to the only conclusion that made any sense: I was gay. As to how I felt about it... Well, since I wasn't homophobic, and had only felt weird when I saw two girls be gay in real life (guys never bothered me) I realized that that was just my denial with my sexuality acting up and I had realized that it was not a choice, I was OK with it. Relieved even. I wasn't crazy, just gay lol. It did take me a year to come to terms with it, though. I hope my very long post helped you!

    • That is such a beautiful experience. I'm sure while you were going through it, it didn't feel beautiful. I'm sure it felt hard in every way. But, now that you see it in print in this way, it just turns out to be completely beautiful.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      I never thought of it that way... Well, thank you for that!

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  • 12-16_m_f_h4_f4
    Comment

    I had a crush on my friend and then my second crush was also on a man and then I notice the pattern and knew I was gay. Started very early think I was nine or ten few years later I was sure of it.

    Reply to Ahlami
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  • 12-16_f_f_h1_f2
    Comment

    well i am not straight or gay for that matter i am bi and believe it or not it was one of the hardest process of my life it was painful and never easy EVER but when time comes u will know it just deep down something inside of u will tell u who u r and if u ever need anyone to talk to we are all here for u :D

    • 25-34_m_w_h1_f4
      Comment

      when you are bi do you still have a prefered gender or you see yourself being in love with either one? theres some people who are like "bi-lesbian" or "bi-straight" that means they are bi but they prefer straight more or bi and they prefer girls more etc what do you think?

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    • 12-16_f_f_h1_f2
      Comment

      will i dont have any preferences i like guys and girl equally but sometimes i go throw phases where i tend to like girls more or guys more its like going throw a phase of being into blonde girls or liking blue eyes but when it comes to liking someone i really don't give that much thought to there gender

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
    Comment

    Hey Nora you might find this interesting too: http://ahwaa.org/topics/14

    It includes some experiences on how people became aware of their sexuality.

    Reply to Reem
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f3
    Deleted
    Experience
    This user has deleted their account.
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f4
    Comment

    when i was 11 it seemed strange to me that guys must date girls and girls must want them.. It felt weird that everyone around me was thinking that way while i was really considering it more of a choice .. I'm bi and i think i've been bi since i was born because the things that attracts me in a certain person has nothing to do with being a BOY or a GIRL.. it's simply the human traits, the superficial and the deep ones.. I never thought it was abnormal to be emotionally attached to a girl or be physically attracted to them untill i was about 13.. and even then i've never felt ashamed or surprised.. i like to be close to people in genral and being TOO close to guys or girls never scared me.. I've been close o many girls whome in the back of my mind i wanted in a sexual way but i never acted on these desires, partly because in the middle east that would be a dangerous risk, and partly because i thought it wasn't unique to feel this way in the first place.. I dated men and i didn't hate it or anything and i guess i never really will.. i fell in love with a girl in college and that time i couldn't ignore it or get over it without telling her.. and it turned out that she loved me too and i'm now in the highlight of my life and this is the best relationship i've ever had.. and i guess love makes everything much easier, and it's so much better and deeper than lust.. all in all, i'm bi but right now i'm in love with a girl and there's nothing wrong with both facts...

    Reply to Imperfect
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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
    Comment

    You just know that your not into guys, you don't think about them sexually, but you do with girls if u ever felt like this than ur lesbian which is fine! this is who u r don't be ashmed of it, don't try to deny it, just enjoy ur life, date girls have fun being urself :D

    Reply to Mina
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  • 12-16_f_b_h2_f2
    Comment

    i want to thank you for sharing your Experience with me . is it going to be weird if i tell you that i'm 16 now and believe or not i fell in love with a girl and still in love with her and i don't know if it's just a phase or not but i guess i'll just wait and see .and no matter what i'll be proud of being gay

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    You're sixteen and miles ahead of me when I was your age by considering that you could be gay. When you're gay, you are emotionally and physically attracted to the same sex. The guys I had crushes on, I just liked their personalities. But girls, even when I didn't know it, I'd admire their looks and how they were. And after my first brush with love, I knew that I had never, nor was I going to, feel that for a man. You could be bi, gay or straight. Just be honest with yourself about how you feel and you'll know.

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