It's been a while! And I hope everyone's ok.
In the while I was not here, a few things happened to me, which brought to me to some new realizations.
I had a friend who was gay and who helped me come to terms with myself. Having that close friendship and being able to be myself while I was still working with the new change in my life, I didn’t keep up with old friends and I didn’t need to. These are friends from school, people I am not close to but would meet up with every now and then. They could have been really good friends but I’m just too different.
My friendship with my gay friend ended and I found myself accepting invitations to hang out with the old friends. They are more frequent now because one is getting married and the other is very pregnant. I’ve always told members here that you are more than just gay, but I understand now what the problem is. I can’t call them close or good friends because they don’t know anything about me and I couldn’t be that way with them even if I wanted to.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have a few straight friends I’m really close to and they know and understand me, except the gay part, but I find myself unable to fit in with those who are new. In the past, it didn’t bother me. We’d still meet on occasions and I’d have a great time but ever since I’ve been out to myself, things have changed. They all talk about weddings, children and husbands, I try not to think about the future and what they would think when they see I’m 35 and unmarried and I focus on keeping a straight face as I repeat ‘just smile and wave’ in my head. I find myself an outsider. They are all good people, and a lot of fun, but I find myself so bothered now that I can’t tell them that I have no plans to marry, ever and that I can’t speak my mind because they would find my thinking weird. I feel awkward and out of sorts. I’m still pretending to be the person I was a bit more than a year ago, the one they knew, when I’ve really changed.
Now, they are people I’m meeting after a long time, so even though it’s unsettling that comfort with them doesn’t come so naturally now, it’s somewhat understandable. However, it’s come to the point where I find myself holding back from other really good friends, who I talk to frequently, because I know that our friendship has no future simply because of how different our views are. It’s an ever-present thought at the back of my head: If they knew you were gay, they would cut off all ties with you in an instant. Can you call them friends? I feel like I’m selling myself short by being friends with people who would turn away from me the minute I tell the truth about myself.
Is this how it’s going to be now?