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Friendships

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Hello everyone,

It's been a while! And I hope everyone's ok.

In the while I was not here, a few things happened to me, which brought to me to some new realizations.

I had a friend who was gay and who helped me come to terms with myself. Having that close friendship and being able to be myself while I was still working with the new change in my life, I didn’t keep up with old friends and I didn’t need to. These are friends from school, people I am not close to but would meet up with every now and then. They could have been really good friends but I’m just too different.

My friendship with my gay friend ended and I found myself accepting invitations to hang out with the old friends. They are more frequent now because one is getting married and the other is very pregnant. I’ve always told members here that you are more than just gay, but I understand now what the problem is. I can’t call them close or good friends because they don’t know anything about me and I couldn’t be that way with them even if I wanted to.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have a few straight friends I’m really close to and they know and understand me, except the gay part, but I find myself unable to fit in with those who are new. In the past, it didn’t bother me. We’d still meet on occasions and I’d have a great time but ever since I’ve been out to myself, things have changed. They all talk about weddings, children and husbands, I try not to think about the future and what they would think when they see I’m 35 and unmarried and I focus on keeping a straight face as I repeat ‘just smile and wave’ in my head. I find myself an outsider. They are all good people, and a lot of fun, but I find myself so bothered now that I can’t tell them that I have no plans to marry, ever and that I can’t speak my mind because they would find my thinking weird. I feel awkward and out of sorts. I’m still pretending to be the person I was a bit more than a year ago, the one they knew, when I’ve really changed.

Now, they are people I’m meeting after a long time, so even though it’s unsettling that comfort with them doesn’t come so naturally now, it’s somewhat understandable. However, it’s come to the point where I find myself holding back from other really good friends, who I talk to frequently, because I know that our friendship has no future simply because of how different our views are. It’s an ever-present thought at the back of my head: If they knew you were gay, they would cut off all ties with you in an instant. Can you call them friends? I feel like I’m selling myself short by being friends with people who would turn away from me the minute I tell the truth about myself.

Is this how it’s going to be now?

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  • 25-34_m_w_h4_f4
    Advice

    Making new friends is not something I'm good at but when my old friends started to drift away I also enjoyed being alone for a while and trying to figure things out on my own. When I became more comfortable with myself I started connecting with others more frequently and being outgoing helped introduce me to some of my amazing friends today whose support and presence I really cherish.

    I think you need to think less about your old friends who are moving on with their lives in very directions and start being open to befriending new people whom you feel you could trust or who you have a lot in common with. They don't even have to know that you're gay at the beginning. That can come once trust has been established but at least they would make for good company and you could still enjoy yourself without telling them all of your personal details.

    Reply to Samir82
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  • 25-34_f_b_h1_f1
    Experience

    My personal experience here , especially when I was having a lot of changes in my life in addition to the ones I was having in terms of coming out and being comfortable with who I am.I was trying to fit into myself by not worrying about anybody knowing I am gay.I decided to change my closest and dearest friends point of view about gay people bit by bit. I was working on that for 3-4 year until now,and many of my colleagues at work or university ,started to change their minds totally about gay people.And there were some who just decided to be away,or more cautious about dealing with me (especially females).Then I decided not to colonize and isolate myself from the society and hide my identity .It never been a solution.And as time goes and circumstances change you will find a lot of people who will accept you as you are.Or those who will change the whole idea .And the most important thing is to make yourself happy no matter what,help people who are going through the same thing you've been through.Later ,you would be able to distinguish who needs to know about you and who is not.Who should know cause he/she would understand your spirit and stands for you .Many people told me to keep my (secrete identity) cause it's not anybody's business,the thing is helping the people to get who you are helps you at the same time to be stronger .And having a social,supporting group around won't be impossible, later on.

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      In the first year of my being out to myself I was very paranoid about people finding out. I didn't dare associate myself with homosexuality, even if it was just an article that I could have shared on facebook. Anything I did, I did in secret. But slowly, I'm finding the courage to get over that fear and just talk about it casually, be confident about it and not so paranoid. Just because someone supports LGBT rights, it doesn't automatically make them gay. And now, I'm trying to be more outspoken about it. I suppose, it'll be less suspicious if I hide in plain sight, but more than that I can stand up for what I believe in. ".And as time goes and circumstances change you will find a lot of people who will accept you as you are." You paint a lovely future and I hope that I do find such people. You are right, though, about trying to change the perspectives of people around us. I hope I have the wisdom to know who I can trust and who I cannot.

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  • I know it's not easy to be gay in an arabic islamic country but an advice better to be alone than badly accompanied. Good luck :)

    • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      I love that advice, "better to be alone than badly accompanied." I very much agree.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      Agreed! I don't bother with people I know I will not get along with, but I have some very good friends who have good hearts, so they are the only ones I prefer to keep around. Thanks :D

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f4
    Comment

    I understand all you've been going through and i guess you have more like-minded friends for your own benefit. you can't always have the same persona specially when a large part of it is fake or secret. yeah it's very hard to find those who share your opinions and views on life in the street here, but hey ! that's why this site is for. put yourself out there if you're not cut out for a life of loneliness and secrecy. we're not meant to be alone, think alone, feel alone nor die alone. grap on every opportunity to be close to more and more people every day, this is where true happiness lies.

    Reply to Imperfect
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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    Right now, I'm at this part in my life. I need to be more comfortable with who I am and feel more secure with myself.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    You know what, you're right. I can only hope I'll meet like-minded people. It seems very improbable but I can hope, some day when I'm more at ease with myself.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f1
    Comment

    I feel ya , Feel free to send me a Private message if you want a friend, I could really use one.

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