I was born in the capital of Saudi Arabia. When I was six years old my dad retired and moved the family to a quiet city away from the chaos of the capital.
I'm a part of a big family. A horrible thing that happened in my childhood is that I experienced sexual assault from a cousin of mine. I didn't know what to do, I was afraid to talk about what happened with my parents so I kept quiet.
there were other things that I experienced in my childhood that I think in a way or another got evolved and developed my sexual attraction to the same sex.
fast forward to teen years, where I started going out and making friends from school and near-by areas where teens hang out. I started to feel that same-sex attraction began manifesting.
my problems started to develop in high school, as my emotions got stronger and stronger. I felt bad about myself because of what I have been taught in school that these desires will lead me to unhealthy lifestyle and eternal burning in hell. it was so hard for me talking about my feeling. I was so good at school though out my ranking always came in the first places and my attendance was good. Sadly with all these conflictions between my religious beliefs and my sexual attraction. I dropped from high school.
*One Year Away From School That Changed My Life:
after I dropped from school I was in a dark place, I would stay in my room for weeks, not talking to anyone and barely eating a meal. I had a plenty of time to think about myself and ways to survive this madness. I was 17 when I start reading about things that could help me including reading about homosexuality, I wanted to understand myself, but unfortunately, I was limited in terms of sources of information. I was reading Arabic sources that rely on Islamic beliefs "for the most part" to support the information. I wanted to see different views from different religions and/or societies. That where I started to learn English, I wanted to expand my horizons. And surely I learn a lot, I started to feel comfortable having these feelings and after that, a new phase started in my life.
18 years of age I got out of the darkness that was surrounding me and started to work and go to school again. At that time I started behaving on my sexual attraction toward the same sex. I got in a relationship with a co-worker of mine that last for a year and a half. The relationship ended because of challenges that any homosexual relationship faces in my country which I will talk about it later.
I'm 22 years old now and proceeding my academic studies. Whatever was the cause of my homosexuality I'm in peace now with my sexual orientation, I'm a bit away from religion but I'm sure I will find a middle ground between my sexuality and my religion. Now I'm not that social as I used to. I don't have friends around me. I'm not feeling bad about it, I think it's ok to not having friends especially at this period of my life
I'm facing a hard decision to make. Not necessarily deciding now, I want to have a clear vision of my future. Family is important to me, I'm thinking about taking a forward step in my life and create a family, but it's so hard. the only way of creating a family in my country is through the old fashion marriage between a man and a woman which is not an option for me. It would be so selfish marrying a woman just for having children. And not thinking about her sexual need that I know I can't satisfy, and other things that I have to provide to her.
The decision that I have to take is "Having a Family or Stay Without it Forever" and each decision has its consequences. What made me think about this, is the idea of me growing old without no one to take care of me, it's driving me crazy.
I'm sharing my story because I want to lift up and motivate Arabic LGBT members that they think their problems can not be solved. Feeling bad about themselves and stock in a cold darkness. Identify your problem will help you solve it.
I have another article where I talked about a common problem among Arabic LGBT people, I used the technique mentioned in the article myself, it goes by the title of:
[ What should LGBT members know about first step to society to accepts LGBT]