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Crushing Over A Homophobe

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I remember reading a comment in one of the topics here where they said that we can choose our new friends but it's the old ones we've known since school/childhood that are difficult to maintain or let go. The girl I'm crushing over right now is a very old and good friend.

Ever since I've been out to myself I've thought back to my past and recognized feelings that I couldn't recognize before. This particular friend is out of the country (Thank God) but she came over for a visit and seeing her after just talking to her online after such a long time... I realized that I had a bit of a crush on her and looking back I have probably had one for a long time. Just didn't know.

Before we'd talk every now and then but now we talk every day, and we email each other every day, there are nicknames involved, sweet talking, a bit of flirting (from my side. Oh c'mon! I'm a girl, I can't help it) and the latest development was my heart doing flips and going all warm and fuzzy over things she'd say. Like, she emails another girl but she doesn't email her daily, that's only for me because she loves talking to me. Just so you all know, I *highly* suspect she's gay.

The problem here, as the title states, is that she's a homophobe. We started talking about homosexuals (a topic I've avoided with her ever since she said that she doesn't have a problem with gays, as long as they stay away from her) and she said that it's a choice. That just because others don't understand gays does not negate that being gay is a choice. That saying 'I'm gay because I was born this way' is the oldest trick in the book. Then I was accused of being defensive, which I suppose I was so I backtracked and told her that crimes against people because of their sexuality pisses me off and people need to stop thinking that way. I did say that homosexuality isn't a choice. But living as a homosexual is. And then ducked out of the conversation.

I wish dearly that she was different. That she didn't think this way, even if it had nothing to do with being with me, and just not be so close-minded. I can't distance myself because she's such an old friend and I don't have it in me to be cruel so don't know what to do. I stop myself from any day dreams that involve her and I'm very realistic about the whole situation. But every now and then, a little bump in the heart throws me off.

Have you fallen for a homophobe or heard someone else's similar story? How can one deal with it? .

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  • Default-avatar
    Comment

    There is certainly such a thing as homophobia, and persons who are homophobic are usually insecure regarding their own sexuality.

    Now she may be homophobic, but from what I'm seeing there she's just opinionated. Certainly, you have your strong feelings on the matter, but have you asked her where hers come from? Have you asked her why someone would choose this?

    And one of the things it sounds like she's really worried about (and may be giving hints to this matter) is that you're gay and have a crush on her and that your intimate friendship is more than friendship to you.

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  • 25-34_m_w_h1_f4
    Advice

    i would be very careful about this edel you shouldnt risk your friendship over these feelings its a bit obvious that the feelings are not mutual so try not to be too awkward around her or she will not feel comfortable around you anymore. then you will lose her. keep your friendship and think of it as a compromise.

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  • 51-65_f_f_h1_f3
    Experience

    Good for you, Edel =) I am one of those immature ones who can't handle being in the same room with the person that I have a crush on (also straight and non-mutual.) I have this bad tendency of getting quickly jealous of the ones she ends up flirting with. It does take a while to get over but in the end it always works itself out.

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      I'm glad things work out for you :) I just hate getting into these unrequited crushes. It really is such a waste of time and feelings.

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  • 17-24_m_b_h2_f4
    Experience

    i totally know what ur feeling , when my crush told me that he thinks homosexuality is wrong and he "knows" that im sure of that too , those were the darkest couple of days in my life , i cried all through them and skipped classes and went for aimless pointless walks , it hurts , but there is a time when u feel that enough is enough and ur strong and ur past all that nonsense.

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  • 17-24_m_b_h2_f4
    Advice

    what i had for that guy was so pure that even till now i cant believe it , anyways i had set sth for myself and it helped , i keep telling myself "I'm an adult proud gay and i know better than falling for a straight guy or getting involved with a homophobe" , it worked for me , not a 100% but im better now .

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Experience

      That's one thing to tell oneself. I've been telling myself that there is no point in delusion and I'm not going waste my time and feelings on someone who will probably never come to terms with homosexuality. I'm sorry you had to go through that but glad that you came to terms with it and are better now. I think I'll go for a few pointless walks myself *sigh* Thing is, I've always had such a soft spot for her and she's been part of my life for so long, it feels warm and secure. So, more than anything, I'm disappointed. The saddest part is, I've become so used to disappointment, it's all I seem to know. I suppose things might change sometime.

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    • 17-24_m_b_h2_f4
      Comment

      XDD but wear sth comfy in ur feet cuz ull never know how much u need to walk to shake it off , i came home with sore feet and those nasty white bubbles and mom freaked like hell and started going all medical-ish and massage my foot in salty warm water and such XDDD
      and dont u worry , once u feel u deserve more than mere dreams ull be happy again and more importantly .... FREE !! XD

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  • Never date anyone unless they are 100% certain that they too are gay. Even bisexuals can be tricky about these things. You need to find someone that you can have a real relationship with, not an on-again-off-again emotional roller-coaster, which I am sure is the last thing you need in your life. If your friend here is a homophobe then she doesn't really seem all that nice to begin with. Why would you put yourself through something like that over some physical attraction that is a phase?

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      I am really sure she's gay and that's where her homophobia seems to comes from. Because she doesn't mind others who are but believes that it's a choice though wouldn't wish those who supposedly make the choice harm.

      The problem lies in the fact that it's not just physical. That's way easier to handle. We don't even see each other but we talk everyday, so it's her personality that appeals to me (though the homophobia is a turn off). She's a really good friend and it's just who she is, how she is, that draws me to her. Chances are that she could very well have feelings back for me but it's her strong denial and intolerance of homosexuality that takes away any chances we could have, and that's really sad.

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    • Default-avatar
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      Might I ask what indicates to you that it's "homophobia" as opposed to merely holding a strict religious position on the matter? Because if what you're telling me is correct she not only seems perfectly comfortable and amicable with homosexual persons that she probably knows are homosexual, but is probably homosexual or bisexual herself.

      In my experience actual homophobes are usually quite uncomfortable with homosexuals themselves, because if they're homophobic from an ideological perspective then having to face the human behind the label is most threatening to their way of thinking, and if they're homophobic from a personal insecurity (such as arising from latent homosexuality) then that intimate personal interaction which would arouse those desires and make apparent the fraudulence of their heterosexuality.

      Despite this, she seems to be quite able to have that sort of intimate personal relationship. Is it possible that it's less a matter of phobia and more a matter of resolved obedience to the ordinances of her religion?

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      I think I haven't explained myself well. She accepts that there are people who identify as gay but that they are in the wrong because it is a choice and if we say that it isn't then we're just using the oldest trick in the book by saying that it's biological.

      It's because of the intolerance factor that I'm calling her a homophobe. If she ever finds out that I'm gay, despite our years of friendship she'll cut off from me. She doesn't want to be associated with gays in any way and she'll never knowingly be friends with someone who's homosexual.

      And as for the intimate friendship thing, I've been there and denial has a 'safe' reason for everything so I won't be surprised if she's telling herself that we're just unusually close and that strange things happen. But I do get what you're trying to say. Her beliefs do come from religious reasons that were passed onto her but something she's never looked into. It's just, she'll never accept that homosexuality exists and people aren't making it up. So even though she's a live and let live kind of a person, she'll judge and be disgusted.

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    • 17-24_m_w_h4_f4
      Experience

      Probably she is not very religious and is making that up because she feels guilty over her lack of spiritual commitment to her faith so she wants to make it up by appearing homophobic at least and following "the rules" as much as possible. I know some people like this maybe she is one of them.

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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
    Comment

    I've fallen for more straight guys than ever. lol. and yea mostly homophobes, trust me, it does suck =p

    • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
      Experience

      Have you ever let them know? It's so hurtful, been through it too, some of them are just attractions but others I've really grown emotionally fond of and it was hard for me to let go of the thought that we could ever be together.

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    • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
      Comment

      No, but they now know about who I am and all, but I never told them about my attractions to them. I just try to let it pass and all. :/x

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    • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
      Comment

      No, but they now know about who I am and all, but I never told them about my attractions to them. I just try to let it pass and all. :/x

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    You're right , Peter. I think I do know where her beliefs come from. They come from religious views that she never confirmed. As in, if being a homosexual is wrong in Islam then it must be a choice. But I haven't asked. So next time if the topic is brought up, I will.

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  • Default-avatar
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    As I repeatedly remind associates who hold this position, I have yet to ever see a verse from any religion that held the **condition** of homosexuality to be inherently sinful, it has always stipulated the specific act (usually referring to anal intercourse) I am aware, however, that there's a hadith for everything, trustworthy or otherwise (and if you can tell without error which is which then that makes one of us and you're wiser than I).

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    That's another thing. I got the suspicion that she knows but it didn't occur to me to think of it in that context. Though it's not surprising, after all I did let her feel my crush. Guess I have my answer now.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    Yeah 6a3miya, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not awkward or anything, it's all the same. The only change I've made is in talking to her as just a friend now. I've made that change in the way I think too. Sadly, the feelings aren't mutual, as you said, and I don't delude myself on it ever being so. She's still a good friend and I'm not particularly heartbroken because I was expecting this. So yeah, it is kind of like a compromise now.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f4
    Comment

    I was confronted by that very same statement once. "Being gay is a choice." I simply smiled and said, "Is it? Okay then. Start being gay." The guy was like, "What? No." I said, "Why not? It's a choice, right? So choose to be gay." He said, "I can't." So I said, "Exactly. You CAN'T. When did you 'choose' to be straight? Did you wake up one morning and go, 'ooh, I like women today.'" The guy told me I had a point, but that 'gays still freaked him out'. I told him that's fine, as long as he had his facts straight.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f4
    Comment

    I was confronted by that very same statement once. "Being gay is a choice." I simply smiled and said, "Is it? Okay then. Start being gay." The guy was like, "What? No." I said, "Why not? It's a choice, right? So choose to be gay." He said, "I can't." So I said, "Exactly. You CAN'T. When did you 'choose' to be straight? Did you wake up one morning and go, 'ooh, I like women today.'" The guy told me I had a point, but that 'gays still freaked him out'. I told him that's fine, as long as he had his facts straight.

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