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I am becoming less confused, but my episodes return and freaks me out.

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Assalamu Alykum Wa Rahmatullah

Hi there!!

I will try to be short.
I used to think myself as bisexual bcs i used to think liked both genders
However as time passed i think unconsciously u accepted i was gay. Well didnt really look for religious reason back then.
But when i did, I freaked out and i wanted to change so i thought of training myself.
I did got a lot of religious support, although some seems to be unanswered but hopefully in the future I will.

I came out as a confident gay men, but then i had I saw a lot of porn( i am not proud of it) and all sorts of wrong thing and then i eventually became confused, though i am becoming less confused day by day but my episodes returns. My head always feels heavy and i suffer from anxiety. ( its been almost 2 years)

I also have this fear of turning straight and i have no clue why!
and i sometimes i think i am bisexual, but then gay porn turn me on while lesbian porn sometimes scares me. The though of being with a girl physically comes with a bit sadness. and i dnt i was truly erect with being a girl. I know a lot of this relates to me being gay, but the paranoia!! damn that never goes away. mind sometimes tells me to experiment, but that is wrong. really really wrong.

My situation is even more annoying, EVEN to myself. I want to be a dad. But my sexual orientation isn't really helpful.
I wish Allah (swt) had all the answers but wow this thing is really hard.
I dnt feel free and happy anymore as i used to be, bcs basically my head s always heavy'. and some sensation down there(as in private parts) really badly confuses me. I dnt know what to do abt this.

Is any out there who feels like me or experienced emotions like me?? any advice.

Oh may Allah (swt) be pleased with you.
and men out there who wants to get married ;) :D .

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  • 17-24_f_b_h2_f4
    Advice

    What I gather from your post is that you're gay, you know it, but you're trying not to be and that is causing you a lot of heartache and confusion because you're trying to suppress your urges. For me, I didn't experience that heartache because I accepted who I am and how I was born. My heart tells me that that is the right thing to do and I follow my heart because I have faith in my Lord and faith in the fact that He will guide me to the right path.

    If what you're doing now is making you miserable, then it's not right. You should not suppress yourself, it looks like you're torturing yourself with guilt and doubt. Stop, breathe and reflect on who you are. Don't think about what's right or wrong, just think about what you want in life. That said,you can be gay and be a father. Adoption is full of rewards. And don't stress over this so much. You are unable to make your mind up at this moment, so distract yourself with something else that will occupy your mind and time. With a less stressed mind you'll be able to think more clearly and I believe you will find the answers to your questions.

    • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
      Comment

      Thank you sister!! I hope you are right...please pray for me to Allah(swt) that He leads me right.......I have no intention of experimenting., althoughti had incidents with men and i liked it. but i didnt continue further as soon as i realized this isnt really a good thing todo. In the future I hope to meet the partner i would fall in love with out stupid doubts. If it is a girl then prolly i wud aboid sleeping with her ;) i dnt know what sort of marriage wud that be LOL!!
      i am just rying to be sarcastiv bcs i dnt like being sad for sooo long

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      You should be true to yourself. Don't let this guilt consume you. Our Lord gave us the gift of love, which comes in so many forms. Then there is the bond that we form with our intended one. The way I see it, if our chosen mate was someone of the opposite sex, it doesn't make sense that we were made to be homosexuals. Which means that since we are born as homosexuals, our partner, chosen by our Lord, is probably of the same sex as ours and it is them we fall in love with. I hope that wasn't so confusing!

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    :'( this guilty feeling....Alllah(swt) what am i suppose to do . I need help

    • Don't let this guilt distract you from living your life truthfully... what you are going through is completely natural and we all went through these feelings too. I have found peace with myself once I made a promise to be myself and not someone that those around me want me to be.

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  • 25-34_f_b_h1_f3
    Advice

    well dude I know how it feels but how about dabbling into skepticism watch a few youtube videos on the subject from all points of view, then decide what are you gonna end up with the root of all your problems is the core belief that your homosexuality is wrong while trust me their is nothing wrong with you here watch this
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1ZPugUHO6I

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    well thank you very much!! to everyone who commented. I really appreciate you guys. I am gonna go to my psycologist soon adn have anice chat. :D!!! and keep on posting. it makes me feel i am not relly THAT alone

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      You're never alone, adibbla! We are all here for you :)

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    • 25-34_f_b_h1_f3
      Advice

      Just Be Careful, it's very hard to find a good psychologist in the middle east. if he/she tries to to "cure" you into becoming straight, starts preaching religion or can not maintain a professional relationship with you, you should know right away that he's not a good doctor.

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    MnGg!!! I am not in the middle east :D...........my family lives there though...but the thing is i am always feeling a little sad, all the time. At this point
    sometime thinking that i will find a girl who will understand me will satay with me, including those "clumy session" but i am not really sure...........i am just always sad for i dunno why. I just want to know whther this will pass away guys. I really do not want to make a stupid decision. It had been a fantasy frm my childhood to be married to a girl LOL( but back then i never thought of sex!! I just of a great frnd :D) I just want to stop trying to have sex with girl. I am always tryng for that inside when I still want to sto p And it literally affects me a LOT.........i cant explain is hurdle of confusion and trsut i am hell annoyed withmyself as well :(

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    hahaha!! i like MnGg's response!!!!

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    I love people here~!! i love i love u i love you...i will point it out to the psychologist and see what i can do

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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    I am scared :'( really really scared to accept myself....and i am probably suffering from own self hatred. Guys I need help...please anyone please help ....suggest what should i do!

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Advice

      Don't be scared adibbla! There's nothing to be scared about. I was terrified myself, but then I figured that I have to live with this, live with myself, and so I may as well accept who I am, as I am because otherwise it's just a lot of wasted energy. Don't over think this, just live in the moment and find things to do that make you feel better about yourself, like volunteer work etc. It's going to be all right, don't stress about this. You're probably feeling over-whelmed right now. But it's all right, it passes (and I'm speaking from experience here)

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  • Hey adibbla,

    I'm sorry about what you're going through. I wanted to say that sexuality can be confusing for a lot of people, especially if you were raised with certain expectations. When I was young, I imagined I would grow up to marry a girl and start a family, but turns out I'm gay and that's ok. It doesn't mean that you can't be with someone, and it doesn't mean you can't have a family. It may be a little more difficult but there are same-sex couples in the world who get married and have kids, it's possible and it's not wrong.

    By the way, sex dreams don't mean much, I'm 100% gay and I have both male and female sex dreams.

    • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
      Comment

      Hello HowSoonIsNow......I am not trying to be worried about family life....Allah(swt) alone knows whether I will have a family now or not! Am I right? I just really get scared about myself! i mean its been two years but I still get scared, I try to reason my self, but the intense scare, together with libido just messes up everything, various images, u know all those confusing things...that's what I meant by my frequent episodes...btw , would you please be a dear and send me a personal message if possible? or rather talk about your experience. Actually anyone is welcomed. I would just like to read and match mine. I really feel alone at times. And I am soon coming to the middle east in sha Allah!

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    • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
      Experience

      I'm actually an ex-muslim, I don't believe in god.
      I realized I wasn't attracted to girls when I was pretty young. At first I tried desperately to be straight, to watch girls, watch lesbian videos (where there wasn't a man to distract me). I also prayed to god and tried to be as good as possible so that he'd make me 'normal'. I even hoped I would at least be bisexual. That didn't really work out. It's a tough time for anyone, especially when your dealing with it alone.

      I eventually accepted the fact that I was gay and that wasn't going to change, however I still intended to marry a girl in my future; to try to live as normal as possible. After being exposed to Gay men and women, through the media, I started seeing that it was possible for me to not go down that depressing road of lies and self-hatred.

      In my opinion, I think religious guilt can be so bad for someone's mental well being.

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    • Default-avatar
      Anonymous
      Experience

      Yes this is why censoring gay discussions is really bad for our societies. If we are allowed to speak more openly about this less and less of us will feel alone and we won't have these anxiety attacks. For me personally it seems to do more with censorship than religion that imposes this guilt in us.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
    Advice

    I think you should just go with what truly feels natural. And don't have this fear of possibly turning into something. If you're emotionally and physically attracted to males and you're gay, that's fine.. And if you are with both males and females as well and you're bisexual, that's completely fine too.

    I don't think experimenting is wrong but since you mentioned that you think it's wrong, maybe you shouldn't necessarily have to experiment to know for sure. I never experimented with males and I knew I was a lesbian from a very young age. It's what felt natural.

    Reply to Awktopus
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f1
    Experience

    I know what ure going through im not a religious person but I come from a Muslim family

    Reply to BerryLu
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  • 25-34_f_b_h2_f3
    Experience

    Lesbian porn has nothing to do with you deciding to be gay or bi!
    I've been confused all the time, but gay porn was never a turn on for me

    Reply to LenaDelRey
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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f2
    Comment

    Why do you think it would be wrong to experiment? If you are having doubts about whether you are bisexual or strictly homosexual, I would advise gaining experience. You never know how you will react or feel when you're in that particular situation until you're actually in it. Be safe about it and see what happens.

    Reply to Sarah
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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    I think its wrong bcs that why the Quran sets a condition for marriage not experimentation. A lot of people knows about their orientation without experimenting, and i think i might be curious........i dnt really know.
    There is one verses in the Quran that talks about men who does not desire women......so i thin kyes these men should be knowing that they dnt desire women. Me myself tooo a HUGE extent knew that i dnt desire women. as i have said earlier lesbian porn dsnt turn me on but at the same timei dnt hate the down part of the girl. I had a dream once that i was doing it with a female but i cudnt go further bcs i was toooo shocked! LOL
    all these things highly suggest i am gay but then some doubts lies which is annoying and i hope this confusion is nothing but a phase.....but the confusion takes a LOT of energy from you honey :(
    and i am giving exams which are ridiculously HARD! :(

    Reply to SadisBad
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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f3
    Experience

    This part really connects with me! I think I found a comfort with being with women that wasn't just about sexuality. When I was discovering my sexuality, I enjoyed the freedom that being gay came with, like, my thought process kind of was "Well, now that I'm gay, I don't have to follow any rules, there is nothing holding me down". I've since recognized that even if I want to be with a man, that doesn't mean I still don't have my own freedom, but it is a hard process to go through.

    Reply to arabsest
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