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Can't leave, can't stay.

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Well, exactly like the title, I'm in a relationship with a guy that I absolutely love and of course like beautiful thing it has to have a glitch. This time the glitch is me, it always been me.

I discoved porn in an early age, and I was disgusted by the idea of sex, but never disgusted by lesbianism. On the contrary.
I always told myself it's normal, maybe guys are just ugly and girls aren't, it's okay ya3ni to look at girls' parts and fascinate them. And always been ignoring/denying that in me. The thing is, I don't like girls, I don't feel attracted to them but in the same time I get CRAZY driven towards a beautiful face, a skinny tall girl or pale skinned one or as my boyfriend said when I talked to him about this "my type", BUT I do like guys A LOT, I get attracted to them, I love to have a guy's attention and feel his eyes running on my body exploring it. BUT guys are so freaking dumb, you know? Of course not all of them, but even the great minded ones.
I'm never satisfied about the people I know, not the girls, not the guys.

I'M CONFUSED NEK
It's always been this way, but when it comes to being in a relationship with such a great guy that i know that I love, it gets overwhelming, really stressing and just sad.
I feel guilty about my boyfriend nek, I feel guilty about myself for never knowing what's out there.
My BF does satisfy me, but DOES HE?

Didn't you ever feel that maybe this happiness and satisfaction that you're feeling is a scam? It's the kind of feeings that your parents told you should feel and been submitted in your head since day one, so you just don't know anything else.
I feel truly happy, but I feel a great sense of "hwa kda khalas?"

I want more. But I don't know exactly what I want, could I be a lesbian and my happiness could be only in the hands of a girl? Or could I be lying to my BF thinking I'm in love with him when there isn't anything in my heart but suspect and regrets?
Maybe I'm a bisexual who enjoys? How would I know? And who would actually understand me to help me out of my misery?
Can't leave my boyfriend for the thought that there could be more, can't stay with my boyfriend with the thought that this is it, nothing more to it.

Sorry for the long topic guys, I just discovered this site and I'm really SURPRISED/HAPPY about this place.

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  • 25-34_f_f_h3_f3
    Comment

    There's no need to subscribe to a sexuality if you aren't sure, don't feel pressured to do so. No one has the right to judge you.I think it's common to find different elements you're attracted to in both men and women. I also think it's common to feel not fully satisfied by your current relationship simply because there will always other people you find yourself attracted to. I have no real advice for you but to tell you that you're not alone, and we're happy you're here!

    Reply to MT
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  • 17-24_f_w_h1_f3
    Comment

    Thankyou so much @MT it's relieving to know that at least somebody out there knows what you're feeling!

    Reply to Nourr
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  • Default-avatar
    Anonymous
    Advice

    I chuckled throughout this post, you're so amusing! But like MT said you don't have to be pressured to do or be anything but yourself. If today you love your boyfriend and you're happy yet curious, great! If tomorrow you fall for a woman and you can't stop wanting her, wanting to be with her, then great. It might mean you are bisexual indeed. But just wait for it to happen naturally the answers will come to you! Just keep your mind, heart and eyes open

    • 17-24_f_w_h1_f3
      Comment

      Thanks mate, guess I'll just have to kill the curious kitten in me.

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    • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      Stay curious Curiosity without the pressures of conformity is always a good thing!

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    • 17-24_f_w_h1_f3
      Comment

      but it kills

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    • It sure does kill, Nourr, but it helps when you tame it! We can use curiosity to learn without allowing it to distract and distress us.

      As for your question "hwa kda khalas?" la howa aktar men kda biktheeeeer!

      You are right to want more because you deserve more. But when that time comes YOU will know, your mind, body and heart will tell you, you won't have to think about it at all. That's when the true happiness arrives and that's when it becomes akdar men kda ba2a :P

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