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am back .. and depressed

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hi everyone ,, hope u r all fine ,well as i said be4 in my 2 last topics that i met really cool and lovely ppl from Ahwaa, but still i feel alone ,, no one can relate to my feelings in real life ,, and since am gettin older i start hearin yarb ashoof awladk w ba2eity 3aroosa ..

in fact i wanna have kids but i dont wanna get married to a man ,, plus am single since a year ago w t3bt nafsyan, sometimes i just need a hug and thats it.

i wish u could understand . dont know till when i have to deal with that shitty feeling and keep hiding it.

not tryin to be a drama queen , but where the hell is SHE ?? why i keep fail finding her?

Hope to have a mini gathering at zamalek , m3ady , netkalm w nshof nas bt3ish nafs el 7ayah.

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  • 12-16_m_w_h4_f1
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    I can totally relate to you, last month I turned 30 and the pressure of getting married is unbearable and to make things worse I’m an only son and what makes it even worse I’m the only male in my family so the pressure of me carrying the family name is killing me, I have always hoped that I had a brother or that there’s another male in my family or that I wasn’t even born at all..
    I have been carrying this secret for a very long time I’m sick of giving false excuses and saying I’m not ready yet & all that shit because I will never be ready, & sadly I’m a very emotional a & a sensitive person, I love kids I always wanted to be a father but this will also never happen, when my friends well I thought they were my friends.. anyway when they started getting married at 25 and having children I used to shower their kids with gifts and clothes I even used to give those people expensive baby gifts like buying cribs and strollers and if one of their kids got sick or went to the hospital I was there with their parents and bringing them toys and such, anything they wanted was on their doorstep the next days but sadly it all backfired those friends knew how desperate and sad i am so they took this for granted and they used my kindness for their advantage I tried to ignore that at first but they kept on treating my like crap and using me way too much and saying to my face that I’m below them because they know I will always come back because of how lonely I’m. but I couldn’t hurt my self anymore it’s enough that I’m already hurting inside.
    So I distant myself from those people knowing I won’t be a part of their children’s lives but to be honest even if I stayed I will be nothing more than a pathetic person who cares too much and buy things for them, to be honest I really could have accepted that, those kids were the closest thing I will even have as children, but the dehumanising & mental abuse & knowing how people look at me as a pathetic worthless person was way too much for me to handle…

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  • 17-24_f_w_h1_f4
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    i wish i could give u a hug ! w 7assa beek , i think we all struggle and live this situation bein used by all ways .
    Hope things get better for all of us , and be sure somehow everything could turn on ur side anyminute .

    u r not pathetic or worthless person at all ,, u loved ur friends and showed it to their kids , actually they lost a true caring friend .

    and about ur family issue , u can marry a lesbian w tessafro fatra kol wa7d yshof 7ayato w tetbano tefl and after it enfesslo , it might seem not the perfect solution bas hatkon 7aleit moshkla leek w liha .

    wish u all best , and keep share ur thoughts with us like i did , we all relate and understand u

    • 12-16_m_w_h4_f1
      Comment

      Thank you rose for your kind words and understanding, sadly because of who i am i used to let people take for granted for fear of they finding out, some used me for a while and then they let me go, but sometimes i was used for years i used to have a friend who took me for granted for almost 18 years, till i had to walk away, i always thought that if i gave people what they wanted and let them use me for money or deeds or anything, if they found out that i'm different they would stay by my side but of course it wouldn't turn out to be that way, i think if they knew they would have blackmailed me so i would be their slave and use me even more..
      well to marry someone who is like me i need to socialize with people who are like me and i have never ever opened about my sexuality to anyone, and i think this arrangement will cause me more misery my anxiety will take it's toll on me i will live in fear of my wife if i married a lesbian she would undermine me for being this way and because it's easier for guys to be shamed like they didn't consummate the marriage and not the woman i know that we will have an understanding, bs 3arfa lama 2tanan yetgwezo we be3dan ye2olo dah maknsh by3rf we tekon wasmet 3ar we keda fe mogtm3na dah, well i wont be able to handle the shame of it all..

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    • 17-24_f_w_h1_f4
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      well i had anxiety and in fact sometimes it hits me again ,, but i had to go out of my comfort zone and talk ,, from internet thn i started to communicate more thn i had the courage for a meet up ,so it takes steps but at the end u Can make it haterta7 awii w hatfr2 m3ak gidan to c ppl like us in real life .
      About the marriage idea , akid u wont be able to marry a straight girl thats why i said a lesbian , she'd understand and support u , till both of u find ur own way , w msh hayb2a fih ay wasmt 3ar bl 3aks hatkon ksbt sadeeqa 3aysha nafs 7ayatk

      just relax and take it easy till it become (Really) easy , none is forcing u to get married bs howa da5t el ahl da mawgood w haydal mn qadim el azal , we all have to deal with it l3'ayt ma yzha2o .

      Think about a mini gathering , it'd help and maybe u'd find someone with ur same story and has a solution , who knows right ?

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    • 12-16_m_w_h4_f1
      Comment

      Anxiety has always been a life long friend, i wish i could meet people like me i really hoped for that from a very long time but truly my low self esteem and my social anxiety have always prevented me, going on this site has been a huge leap and the closest thing i ever experienced to talk with people who are in the same cycle as myself,
      if i found a lesbian girl who in understanding it would be more than great but fear have always been a like a huge fence preventing me from reality.
      do you remember the song by Christina Aguilera called Beautiful it was released back in 2002 i think and the first time i listened to it i was 14 and since then i have always seen my self in most of the characters in that video like the anorexic girl and the boy who doesn't seem to gain weight the girl who got bullied and finally the gay couple, it was the first time i ever seen 2 guys kissing and i was stunned it was the first time were i felt that there are people out there who are like me, this song always gets to me till this day, it's been 15 years and each time i listen to it or watch it, it's like the first time i ever
      do..
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
      Comment

      Wow, you have a lot kept within yourself...see. I wont advise you about anything...you are actually great..you seem kind and senstive but you like the rest of humanity have some issues that can be resolved

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