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A Homosexual Recluse

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I logged on recently to my account and I came across my very first shared status. Judging it from where I stand now, I find it facile and sentimentalist. It is, at best, a desperate cry for help to move to a charted territory of mutual intelligibility and recognition among fellow homosexuals. Quite rightly so. It was, though, a moment of sheer Anagnorisis.

Now, as I have grown, I believe, mature, and having intellectually blossomed, I have come across new levels of despair and consternation, which I would rather deem as frustratingly challenging as I made up my mind from now on to intellectualize and rationalize those putatively emotional raw feelings. Nonetheless, I have found myself entrapped in a Sisyphean endeavor to understand how a gay mind set is functioning. As for my person, I do believe that I have landed safely on the following conclusions about my sexuality. I will definitely spare how I did so but the only thing I can tell you is that I have succeeded to view my sexuality, which beautifully borders between homosexuality and homoeroticism, beyond any ideologies or dogmas, be they social, religious and even philosophical (reference to Judith Butler, Michelle Foucault and Eve Kosovsky). I have “normalized” my sexuality and take it as it is. Just enjoying it. I stripped it from any constrains. I am happy with that.

Nevertheless, as we are intuitively social (or social and linguistic constructs), we, as human beings, need to interact with each other and, truth be told, I thought that it would be best to find your “partner” in this particular site, with whom you may share it all. I am no referencing to hooking up. Yet, every love story must have a beginning.

Yet, it was of no avail. Back to the “gay” mind sets, which I referred to earlier and which I found outrageously shocking, most gays are romanticizing homosexuality. They are glamourizing it. They strongly believe that homosexuality is just an escape towards their Neverland of ultimate freedoms and paralleled others or selves. They think it is merely a tool to channel their fantasies.

Also, homophobia is deeply rooted in their homosexuality. Yes, however contrastive both elements might look like, they are deeply intertwined. Nowadays, we find gays, ironically, ostracize each other, marginalize each other, hate on each other. Sometimes, I wonder what a gay exactly wants. Does he give more priority to physical appearance? Does he want to discover his sexuality at your hands? Does he have in mind Queer as Folk-esque references when he sees you? Does he completely free his sexuality from all social and religious constraints that subconsciously operate on him? So on so forth.

I would love to share how I operate when it comes for me to get to know a person, whom I see as my potential companion for life. Mine is more dramatic but at least I am aware of how my insecurities insidiously interfere in the process.
I might overthink too much. I do not see this a cons as my mind is intuitively inquisitive about everything, including my own existence, epistemology and ontology.
Homosexuality has jumped to more other intricate levels. It is no longer about us vs. them. It is way wider.

Weirdly enough, you are a lone gay among gays.

Tell me what you think of all this.
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  • 12-16_m_a_h3_f1
    Experience

    Good questions, still hoping to find the true answers. As for me, i've come to realize that its our innate feature to want a dashing hot guy for ourselves and even guys like me who are not so goodlooking. But the amazing thing is, as humans we can transcend this particular behaviour and see a person's beauty without necessarily him being a hottie, but this happens only if the person wishes to

    Reply to Afrabrules
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  • Exactly. Not everyone has that ability to see through physical beauty and hotness. Same here, as I am not that good-looking either, my insecurities overwhelm me and instead of focusing on love it self and find best ways to nurture it with the "right" person, you are engulfed by misery and the entrapped in the abyss of low self-esteem ... Horrible ...

    Reply to HockTuesday
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