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I can't live like this...

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I can't believe i'm actually writing this.. but i think i have too, i can't even admit it to myself, but being here means that i have been dealing with this for long time, i will be 35 years in a week and i can't keep on battling these thoughts any longer i have thought of suicide but i'm too weak to do it i have never told anyone i just can't, the fear of rejection and being judged will kill me, i have tried self harm to cope with all this for years but if i did say people will judge me for something i didn't choose i have always felt that i was different since i was a little boy and as i grew it became very obvious i really can't handle the depression and self hatred when people say bad stuff about that issue and we all know that they do, this is nothing to what i call myself i really hate myself every single day i hate myself for something i didn't ask for.

and i have never did anything sexually with anyone which is causing more frustration but i can't see my self doing something that will make me hate myself more.. i'm here to vent and ask what should i do should i keep on living a lie to myself or live being shamed by everyone if they knew, and i think i really can't handle both ideas also people will judge me and the funny thing i have never did anything with anyone but here they assume that anyone who is like this he or she they must have done something sexually they will judge me for the thoughts and urges that i can't control... and don't let me get started about what religion it says about that issue it will send to eternal hell if i acted on those urges but what if i didn't what if i lived a miserable lonesome life till i die will i also burn in hell for dealing with these urges.. and if it'd very wrong why am i like this and if i wasn't born this way what happened??? i don't think when i was 6 years old and wanting to play with dolls and act like a girl i said will let me be like this and it stuck i always found my self going to that direction as a kid then when i hit puberty i found that i'm not the same like other boys i was different. and i hated being different all these years.

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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Advice

    So sorry that you have to deal with this, I know how lonely it can get feeling different all these years with no end to all this self-hate and guilt. But please as a first step, stop hating yourself! And please don't do anything at all to harm or injure yourself in any way. You have SO MUCH to live for and still so much to look forward to! 35 is young.

    Have you ever thought of leaving? Even for a short trip abroad, to get a change of scenery and meet new people and discover new things about yourself?

    When I was very depressed, and felt very lost, my friends encouraged me to travel and I saved money for a few months and went by myself to discover new things and new people. It really helped me and my confidence. By the time I came back I was still a bit depressed but I had more hope towards my future and I just focused on my health and my career so I can continue traveling and meeting new people and doing new things.

    Why don't you try something similar? You're a beautiful person and you deserve so much happiness in this life, and a chance to fall in love and be loved back. Don't let anyone get you down. They're not worth ruining your life for!

    • Default-avatar
      Anonymous
      Comment

      Thank you Joon for replying can i tell you something you are the first person i speak with about this topic since ever, all theses years i kept it all inside killing me day by day..
      i have been suffering from clinical depression since the past 8 years i even never spoke about this wen i used to go to therapy i was afraid to be judge by my therapist so i stopped going, when you said travel i laughed a bit i haven't gone anywhere for the past 8 years not even to meet a friend, people assume i have depression but no one knows that this a major reason of my depression, so travel is by far not easy for me to do, i'm afraid of leaving my house i can't enjoy anything anymore i feel i have been sentenced to a life of misery since i was born like this and i will also suffer in the afterlife as everyone knows what all religion say about this issue.. i'm really already living in hell fighting these thoughts day by day...
      you know when people say no one is born like this i always go back to my earliest memories when i was like 5 and i remember how i used to love playing with my sisters dolls and act like i'm a girl so is this the reason i made myself like this when i was 5 i really don't know what went wrong, would love to have a clear answer even if i made myself like this how come an infant have the ability to determine his sexuality that will stuck with him till he grows up.. i have like a million questions that i can't get a clear answer to...
      please Joon don't stop replying to me.. i don't want to be alone i really need someone to help me even for a few moments..

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    • 17-24_m_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      Hey hey there
      I'm living in the same situation as you but I'm starting to get out of it. All you need to do is to talk about it even if it was just online. Just say anything and everything that comes into your mind. Type the words, type "I'm gay and I love myself" even if you don't believe in that now. You don't have to act on it now or do anything sexual. All you have to do is just talk with us. Nobody is gonna judge you, nobody here thinks that there's something wrong with you and everyone here is your friend.

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    • 12-16_m_w_h4_f1
      Comment

      This place made me do something i never did before, is to talk about this for the first time in my life, first time in 30 years i say well i'm actually like this, i find it hard to type the words, i don't know why do i hate myself for being that way, maybe because since i was born everything around me from religion to media everything said that homosexuality is wrong.. i think i will be living a lie till i die...

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    • 17-24_m_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      No you won't.
      Think about it. You are actually improving; you are in a LGBT site, you are talking to a gay guy *which is me*, and you are beginning to talk about your sexual identity for the first time. If this isn't improvement then I don't know what improvement means lol
      You are on the right track

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    • 12-16_m_w_h4_f1
      Comment

      Thank you for being helpful and for caring that much.. to be honest it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, i haven't done anything but just to know i'm not alone as i thought i was i used to think am i the only Muslim person to have this feelings but as time passed i got to know that sexuality has nothing to do with religion or race or anything..
      may i message you so i can tell you more about my story and if you don't mind could please tell me how you managed to live a normal life surrounded by all the hate and different opinions ..

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    • 25-34_m_w_h1_f4
      Comment

      this thread made me feel better too love the people here.

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  • Hello,

    Just read your post, I'm glad you are starting to feel better.
    I commend you on your struggle to choose to go on with life even though you clearly said you've thought about ending it from time to time.

    One thing you need realize about yourself is the emotional strength and power you've shown yourself considering you've avoided sexual activities and you are in your 30's!

    The idea of committing suicide and other negative thoughts is something that almost all gay guys from different backgrounds have as they discover their sexuality, what varies between us is the time one takes to come out of it. If you ask me about 3 years ago I was super depressed about my sexuality but alhamdullilah i'm feeling okay these days ☺.

    As you mentioned in your post, people think of us in terms of sexual deviants the moment gay is mentioned, but look at you, you've shown to yourself that you arent just about sex. I hope you find people or just a person who you can meet, talk your mind without fear and hang out with and feel fine with for emotional support ☺.

    Take care

    Reply to Afrabrules
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