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was i wrong??

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hello everyone , first of all i would like to say what a wonderful website this is and how im so glad i met ppl like you here :* :3
OK ! so , here the deets , first of all im 18 soon to be 19 and the thing is , i never "came out" to myself because there was never a moment where i went "oh , im gay" i just always knew since i was like 9 or 8 but of course as we grow up society enforces these rules and regulations that we have to follow and so i was very depressed all the way thu middle school bcuz i always had to pull on this straight facade , always having to be careful of what i say , what i do etc etc and never being able to finally be myself , i felt suffocated and i didnt like where my life was heading so i made a choice , i was transferring schools to start high school and i had taken the decision to always be myself and so , on the first day of my new high school life i went as i am . skin tigh jeans , high pitch voice , the strut in my walk the queeny attitude , the whole 9 yards so to speak XD
i was never expecting it to be all rainbows and teddys and sure as hell it wasn't XDD i was shunned by the entire school and haven't made any friends mostly bcuz ppl where scared i would like them or whatever i mean a bazillion rumor that i like this guy and i like that guy started flying around and honestly i hated all of them XDD but i stayed strong and true to myself and honestly , i could finally breathe gain :)

but now its my last month in high school EVER , and when i look , back i havent accomplished anything from a social point of view , i dont have any friends , dont have anyone to talk to , im all alone so my question is , what i rlly wrong to act as myself and by doing so excommunicating myself and basically intentionally committing social suicide :/ ??
i just wanna know what u guys think and what i should do :3 .

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
    Experience

    First of all, I love you for being so brave! And second, I don't think it's wrong that you decided to be yourself but it's just that you should have considered the social consequences beforehand. You mentioned being shunned and having to deal with the no friends situation, I hope you didn't have to experience things worse than that though. For example, having your own safety jeopardized. That's why it's best to consider these situations and have precautions because you never know what to expect from this society.

    And I can totally relate to how it was for you, "i never "came out" to myself because there was never a moment where i went "oh , im gay" i just always knew". I always knew at the back of my head as well because it all felt very natural and so I never questioned it or had any doubt in how I should or shouldn't be.

    • tank you for ur concern :) , however it was never very serious in my high school and never reached a physical point it was only the extreme isolation that was the problem but you're right i can't deny im being reckless in my behavior but i just cant do it anymore :/

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    • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      You're actually not being reckless because you sound pretty mindful about your environment. I just mentioned those things because in some environments such as mine, being out can result in worse consequences than just being shunned by society. So I thought, better have a plan just in case.

      And I just read that you're out to your family and is able to talk to them freely about this, which I think is so great! Makes me happy and wish my family was as accepting as yours. And like Edel said, just be yourself. It's the best feeling in the world.

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    • it truly is the best feeling :) i've realized that in general over coming my fears as intimidating as it sounds is quite liberating just to think that a little courage was what i needed to go from hiding everything from my mom"which i hate doing" to actually talking about my wedding with her :DD and i do hope ur situation gets better i know i have it easy compared to others and i truly wish u the best :)

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    • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      Thanks buddy! :)

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    You followed your heart and did what you thought was right and the right path is never easy. I thought I was straight all through high school and I never made any friends that lasted, nor did I have a blast. There are many who can relate to us so don't worry about not making any friends or accomplishing anything socially. Be yourself if that is what makes you happy, you'll make friends who will accept you for who you are and they will be your true friends, the kind that are worth having. As far as school goes, that will soon end and there is no point thinking about the past, it's just tiring and unnecessary. Live in the moment and continue being honest to yourself, it will get better!

    • i wish i can think like that and not dwell on the past and just look up to the future :/ , but you\re right ! high school is almost over anyways and no use crying over spilled milk , so i'll just keep on being true to myself and i'll see where life takes me :3

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    • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
      Experience

      Hello adhamyasser,

      I guess no one could judge what you've done, as either "good" or "bad", if anything is called absolute good or absolute bad in life.

      Properly speaking, we live only once, and we don't have any past experiences of another life, that we could judge our current lives on its basis. Unlike a "delicious" or "relatively delicious" dish of pasta that you eat at a restaurant. Actually, you decide that it's "delicious" comparing to past dishes of the same recipe in different restaurants.

      You finished 3 years already, and if someone would ever speak about this experience, it'd be you. You definitely learnt something, whether pleasant experience or otherwise, and you're going to take this experience with you in your future life.

      Learn from your experiences. Evaluate your past. And lastly, but not least, be yourself.

      And thank you for posting and liking Ahwaa!

      Best,
      A

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    • this really helped me and asserted my feeling that being me is never a wrong choice , thank you so much :3

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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
    Experience

    i just need to say something ,am now in college and all my life i always liked guys .though never met any1 like me be4 ,only happened when i went to college.if u met me in school u would never guess that i am gay..i hid it very well ,that nor my friends,closest childhood friends nor my own family knew.its kinda a good move that i've done ;but now when i think about it i regret it ,all of it ,at least i should've acted a little of who i truly am .cuz now i don't know who am i anymore ,its so hard to be my own-self again.i try to be happy all the time .but then i know deep inside me that this fake mask,fake body i wore began (even already) to be me .now when i try to be myself ,i don't feel the joy of that.

    So what you have did in my eyes is a truly Courageous thing ,you have decided to take the step to move .while me on the other hand thought if i waited it would be easy for me ,but just made my legs go numb.so when i try to be myself it will take time ..

    now about friends ,you will find ur true ones .just be yourself and search for them .:)
    for me i met recently some friends who accept me for who am i .so there is still hope. ^_^ be in good health.

    • i can totally relate to where you're coming from because for it those short three years of middle school almost made me lose sight of who i really am and i almost forgot my real personality which in retrospect sounds really silly but at the time it was a serious issue however i understand that it must be monumentally harder for you since u were so keen on hiding your true colors for too long i hope it gets easier and as for friends , you're right , they'll come when i least expect it right :D
      oh and ps : no matter how good an actor you are i would have figured you out , i have a zero margin of error gaydar :P

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