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Outerversary

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It's been a year since I've been out to myself and looking back I've realized how hard I was being on myself. This coming out business is difficult. It hasn't just been about accepting me, it has been about accepting that my life is going to be very different from what I once imagined it to be, that at some point I'm going to have to leave my parents and keep really big secrets from them. It has been about accepting that I am very much clueless about everything and that that cluelessness is what's been overwhelming me, making me want to hide from the world.

The past year has really changed me. I am constantly pushing myself now to be the best version of me, to be independent, to be braver- my future depends on it. I don't trust as easily now (which is a good thing), I notice what people do instead of listening to what they say they do, I'm not even the open book I once was. I feel so old. To be honest, it gets tiring being on a team my loved ones hate.

The best lesson I've learned till now is that I need to be kinder to myself, understand myself better, know that this is a tough life and I'm going to make mistakes. It's like I'm learning to walk all over again and it's alright to fall, the important thing is that I stand back up and keep going on.

On a happier note, it's pretty awesome knowing who I am. I like me *winks at self*. That and I'm looking forward to all the good things to come.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
    Comment

    I'm very happy for you Edel. I remember your first days here and you really did change and became more confident. In another thread you were writing about coming out to your sister, how has that been? Do you regret it?

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Experience

      Thank you! Coming out to my sister was probably the best decision I made. In the beginning it didn't go over well and things were tense, but even then I had no regret. Some time went on and she wouldn't mention it or talk about it and I had to bring it up because I was afraid she'd choose to forget. Some more time went on and she relaxed a bit more and I could talk about it easily, she still wasn't initiating anything though. But then we talked it over and she told me that it took me time to get used to it, it'll take her time too. Now, a few months later, she advocates my rights, sends me links related to gay rights etc. I am so proud of her!

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    • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      I love that. You're lucky enough to have a sister who loves and supports you in this way despite her initial feelings about all this.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      Yes, I'm very grateful. It's rare to come across family and friends who are supportive.

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    • 12-16_m_b_h3_f4
      Experience

      That's a really nice feeling to know that your friends and family are by your side through this, wish I can say the same.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
      Experience

      I wish that too. My family's been getting very touchy over this topic lately. I found myself just backing off over the whole subject today. Also because my mom keeps saying things like: "I have my doubts about you, you're very supportive of the gays.." - first of all, that sounds funny. And second, it freaks me out when she says it but not so much lately.. Though that doesn't mean I should stop taking the right precautions.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      I'm glad I have my sister backing me up but if this gets out to the rest of my family, I'll be disowned. I realize that as far as keeping this under wraps go, it's going to keep getting difficult as I grow older. And as much as I want to just come out, I'd rather keep quiet just so I can spend as much time with my parents as I can before it becomes necessary for me to live far away from them.

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