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Muslim lesbian deciding not to act on homosexual urges

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Hello everyone,

I know most of the people here believe that God is not against love, and that there's different ways to interpret the Quran and reach the conclusion that homosexuality is okay.

I've been struggling sooooo hard to reconcile between my faith and my sexuality. I care so much about Allah and I'd rather not do something that is halal than do something that might be haram.

I respect everyone's choices here, and I sooo much understand the struggle. I pray that everyone here continues to fight for who they really are.

I just have no one to share this with, and you guys have helped me a lot with your posts and stories, so I thought I'd leave this here.

I'd love to make some friends who would be supportive of my decision, so if you're up for it, please say hi, and I would love to have a conversation .

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  • Hello there,not an easy decision but i totally respect it and support u and u know what?whatever our decisions in life ,we make sure that they r gonna make us happy and in peace with ourselves which is the most important thing

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  • 17-24_f_f_h1_f1
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    u r free to do what u want to do for sure
    im curious to know what makes u feel that acting on ur sexual urges is haram but being lesbian is not?
    i respect the choice though i only want to understand if u see ur sexual orientation and who u r haram too?

    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f1
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      Thank you for your comment, Plus1
      These are very good questions. I won't say I have a convincing answer, but I'll share my thoughts. For a long time, I felt that the fact of me being a lesbian is haram and I should change it. I tried really hard, of course it didn't work. I went to therapy and my therapist was extremely understanding and she helped me a lot in accepting who I am. I went on an LGBT muslim retreat, heard a lot of stories, met a lot of good people, and all of this helped me accept the fact of being a lesbian, and know that God is not going to punish me for something that can't be changed. However, even straight people are asked not to act on their urges if it's outside marriage. This doesn't mean they don't have these urges, and it doesn't mean that them being straight is haram since they can be attracted to other people than their partners, yet they're not supposed to act on them. I have no idea why Allah created homosexuals and then would ask them not to act on it. I wish I could understand his wisdom in this, it would be a lot easier, but I don't. Also, I think about pedophiles. As a therapist, I know these urges are completely out of their hands, but I don't see people accepting this act. Most people would agree it's wrong. I empathise with pedophiles, because it's a struggle not trying to act on their urges. Should they hate themselves because of who they're attracted to? I don't think so. I might seem like a coward to some people, or a homophobe because of my decision. Maybe I am. I don't know. I believe this world is too short, and yet full of many blessings. I just want to get out of here safely, even if it's out of cowardliness. Thanks for reading this far

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    • Thankx YZF for being honest to share your views with us here answering plus 1 questions and thankx to her for asking them cause lots of those questions were on my mind ,

      i enjoyed reading what u wrote here in your reply.i found it quite interesting and very human.

      Thankx again for sharing your heart with us

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    • 17-24_f_f_h1_f1
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      thks alot for sharing
      but have u ever wondered if it is us (humans) that made homosexuality abnormal?
      in ancient civilizations no one cared for sexual orientations and it was not even something up for discussion then suddenly as the world started developing humans started caring about things they did not care for before and most of the reasons why they started doing that were usually favoring a certain party whether political or religious

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f1
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      Thank you for engaging with me in this discussion, it's helping me organize my thoughts

      You are definitely right about ancient civilizations. And I can't argue with the fact that there are a lot of political factors in play. I've read parts of Scott Kugle's book on Homosexuality in Islam, and the different interpretation of qawm Lout's story. It was very insightful! However, it got me more confused actually. If the story of Lout has nothing to do with homosexuality, good, then where are homosexuals mentioned in the Quran? Whenever I read any ayah that has to do with marriage or relationships, it's so clearly talking about heterosexuals. To me, the Quran is the only book that hasn't been changed or altered for political or other reasons. Why aren't we mentioned in the Quran? Why aren't their any stories during the time of the Prophet that includes same-sex couples? I don't have an answer to this, but it worries me that it's because we're not supposed to act on these urges.

      You know, I really want to believe it's okay to act on my urges. And I'm not arguing with you that it's not okay to do that or that homosexuality is haram. Absolutely not. I argue with homophobes all the time, and I use the same points you've mentioned to support my argument. However, a huge part of me has all these questions and thoughts I've mentioned above. I'm not taking this decision because I'm 100% convinced with it but because I'm 100% convinced this world is too short and I don't want to mess up the part that really matters afterwards.

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    • 17-24_f_f_h3_f3
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      Interesting post. For a good part of my life I've done lots of research about homosexuality in history and religion which led me to encounter other issues in the process and like you said, there was always a political factors in play in lots of those issues that changed their course of action thru the centuries not just homosexuality. During my search in Islamic readings & Quran, I noticed that God elaborated on each "kabera (from kaba2er)" in a direct and detailed way, sometimes in more than 1 Surah; ie: theft, gambling, adultery, suicide..etc. And that left me with a fixed unchanged conviction that God is wise and fair enough to elaborate on the sins that can get us thrown to hell for eternity then why didn't he do so for homosexuality if it was such a great sin? Also my readings showed me how just God is, and I don't think the same God showing mercy and justice in the wisest ways would throw people in hell for feeling the way they made them feel. I have no doubt in my heart that homosexuality isn't haram and if I'm wrong, then I'll go with God's words that his prophet delivered to us to assure us of his mercy.

      "I am as my slave expects me to be, and I am with him when he remembers Me. If he remembers Me inwardly, I will remember him inwardly, and if he remembers Me in an assembly, I will remember him in a better assembly"

      So, in short, this is how I feel and its not because I want to, but its because thats how much I have faith in God and know that he understands what we go through better than anyone else. And like our prophet said "Consult your heart" and the reason he said HEART not brain is because God sees through our hearts and intentions before our actions. So, in short, I don't think that homosexuality is "haram" though adultery is, and as far as I'm concerned, it can occur even between a homosexual couple because the effect is same as with straight ones. But a "valid" argument can be made that homosexuals "don't" get married like straight people do. But taking a look back at history, when has marriage became a piece of paper and 2 witnesses? So late in history, actually. For centuries marriage was same as a long relationship in terms it simply meant being committed to 1 person in a monogamous way and cheating on them was considered adultery, there was no priests needed nor marriage official to prove that. Later as societies started getting more organized, an official marriage came in order but it still held the idea of committing to 1 person (or 4 in case of Muslim men!) and thats where I think the "haram" part comes (not thing that I'm right, just stating my thoughts) the adultery in any form of relationship (homo or straight) but the sexual orientation itself I don't see any haram or halal in simply because if being gay is haram then should be being straight too (out of fairness!) and for the reasons I stated above.

      I don't mean to cloud your thoughts at all and I myself put sex as the least of my priorities but its not because I'm gay, its because I just feel that other things are more important and for fact, some straight couples don't have sex as their #1 priority as well so acting on it or not is completely a choice and if you choose to make it then good for you but like Plus1 said, there's a difference between thinking that being gay is haram and not acting on sexual urges because they are haram. I just think that neither is haram. the 1st is normal and the 2nd is a choice.

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    • 17-24_f_f_h1_f1
      Comment

      the key to determining ur choices is self acceptance and if we accept the way we were created whether we believe in god or not but we should have faith that is how we were born and we did no fault then we can make wiser and better choices
      because saying what is haram and what is not will always differ between a religion and another or a point of view and another and is a dead end most of the times

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f4
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      Delusions, though i'm an atheist, your answer touched me!

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
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      Yea... sorry I respect your decision but comparing homosexuality to pedophilia... not cool. Pedophilia is a choice, a mental illness whatever. Homosexuality is not. :/ sigh. We come forward and then ten steps back.

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      Anonymous
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      Pedophilia isn't about attraction, its about having someone vulnerable to control and abuse. Pedophilia is not a sexuality. There is nothing romantic about raping children and the fact that you think so- man there must be something seriously wrong with your head.

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      Although I respect your choice and loved reading what you said. I don't think you can pedophilia to homosexuality. If two 2 people of the same sex choose to be together or have sex, the point is that it is consensual and both parties want it. Pedophilia is not consensual in any way so obviously forcing a child that can't consent into sex or whatever is wrong in every manner.

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      I meant to say *compare lol

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    • Default-avatar
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      YZF,

      I'm sorry that it seems some want to jump on you about the pediphilia reference you've made. I understood your point completely. You didn't compare as some desire to assume. You are correct in saying it it a struggle for them not to act on those urges. There are reasons why adults who are diagnosed with pedophilia choose to engage in sexual acts with children. Some of those reasons were mentioned by ANONYMOUS.

      Here what SOME in the gay community do not or are not willing to accept. It is a choice for some to act on a desire or feeling. Some ppl can turn it off like a light switch and never think of it again for years. These ppl may have an opposite sex partner and enjoy all of the freedom that comes along with a hetero relationship. These types enjoy gay sex as just THAT. GAY SEX! They will not claim to be a part of the community whatsoever. And why should they? To them, its simply sexual fun and nothing more. No emotional feelings attached.

      I've been in a relationship where we BOTH felt "it" was wrong, BUT we cared for each other. We discussed these feelings. Some simply try to box you in and make you choose.

      However the person stating pedophilia is a choice and mental illnesses, is completely wrong! Let's not forget that honsexuality was once classified as a mental illness as well! Persons seeking a gender change surgery MUST first see a psychiatrist or psychologist, get diagnosed and go through treatment BEFORE GETTING the surgery. So there are still aspects of homosexuality and gender roles that is considered a mental problem.

      I respect you YZF. Don't let anyone force you to think or feel any other way.

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    • Hey Delusions, I‘m an atheist myself, but I‘ve always admired people who are able to keep a good balance between their sexuality and faith. I liked your take on this. Even though I might have a totally different approach, it‘s refreshing to know that there are so many different ways to do something in this world. To each their own, after all

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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
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    I'm not religious at all. But hey, more power to you!

    Reply to scrubble
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  • That's a courageous move.

    Reply to selmaouisalma
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