Recently, I came out to a friend who I knew was gay. I had known for some time that I was too and, on some level, accepted it even. But saying it out loud somehow finalized that I was gay – none of the ‘I may be straight, just the right guy hasn’t come along’ reasoning I was deluding myself with.
With my culture, my background, my family, the future looks bleak. Yet I’m excited every time I think about this whole new direction my life could take. It’s as if I’m being re-introduced to myself and I’m very enthused about it.
Unfortunately, I’m terrified as well. For me, there can be no future. Eventually marriage will be brought up and staying unmarried in my family is a nightmare. Not to mention my mother's dearest wish that is - you guessed it - me getting married, settling down, having a family... Thing is, I rather not do something that will cause me to lose my family.
So now I’m struggling between planning for a different future and running in the opposite direction. My mind says the latter is the logical decision, but my heart says that’s boring.
For now, though, I’m letting myself adjust to the idea and eventually come to a decision. Hopefully, things will be clearer in time.
How do you deal with this?