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To live the gay life or not?

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Recently, I came out to a friend who I knew was gay. I had known for some time that I was too and, on some level, accepted it even. But saying it out loud somehow finalized that I was gay – none of the ‘I may be straight, just the right guy hasn’t come along’ reasoning I was deluding myself with.

With my culture, my background, my family, the future looks bleak. Yet I’m excited every time I think about this whole new direction my life could take. It’s as if I’m being re-introduced to myself and I’m very enthused about it.

Unfortunately, I’m terrified as well. For me, there can be no future. Eventually marriage will be brought up and staying unmarried in my family is a nightmare. Not to mention my mother's dearest wish that is - you guessed it - me getting married, settling down, having a family... Thing is, I rather not do something that will cause me to lose my family.

So now I’m struggling between planning for a different future and running in the opposite direction. My mind says the latter is the logical decision, but my heart says that’s boring.

For now, though, I’m letting myself adjust to the idea and eventually come to a decision. Hopefully, things will be clearer in time.

How do you deal with this?
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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
    Advice

    don't be terrified. think of it this way. would you rather live a life of lies and deception, or a life where you are truly comfortable in your own skin? you need to live this life as you. there are many lesbians who gave in to this fear and ended up being married to satisfy their family's expectations. for them, there is no future either. you will be shocked at how strong you really are. do not underestimate your own worth.

    Reply to skyflake
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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    Thing is, once I choose this life, there is no going back. I won't marry, and eventually my parents will figure out that it's not a spinster thing. What then? I'm terrified of losing them. I couldn't care less about others though. For me, it's a choice between keeping my family or losing them in the future.

    • Edel - Honestly, I don't think a gay person will ever get married and have sex with the opposite sex for the sake of children .... Kids are great.... but having to marry a man in order to have kids, I imaging this will be like getting rapped everyday under a legal cover

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      Actually it's not unheard of for that to happen. In our culture, there are homosexuals who treat their before marriage life as a phase and believe that they will eventually get married because living any other way is simply impossible and something that will never work out. It's their reality that they accept and adjust to.

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    • 35-50_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      Well... I pray for God to help them if they are forced into a life that they lose themselves in

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  • 25-34_m_w_h4_f4
    Experience

    I dealt with it by coming out to my family, but that isn't the ideal solution to everybody. There are many other ways you can deal with it, which is to allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love and be in a relationship and further explore who you really are as a person. Find someone you can trust with this information and confide in them, and try to live your life without worrying about what's expected of you.

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      I don't feel the need to come out to my family. Just my sister, maybe. And I'd love to do what you're saying and I so would, but I know my fears are well-placed and I wish there was a way around it.

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    • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
      Comment

      Hi Edel,

      I know that this choice is harder for females more than males in our oriental societies. But yes, try to be strong and be yourself! I didn't mean to come out to your family, but at the same time, I don't recommend that you marry and carry on a life style that you're not looking forward to! Make some compromises to survive, but marriage, while you're in face a homosexual, is a big big compromise that will affect you psychologically! I know it's hard, but here on Ahwaa, you'll find friends all the time who will take your hands!

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      You are right. I can't not be who I am, so I guess I'll be clever about how I'm going to go about it. Lets hope I don't get forced into marriage now *shudders*. But this is my life, and some things are just worth fighting for.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
      Comment

      I'm really glad you feel that way now. You should just live in your most comfortable way of life. It's your life, you decide what you are going to do with it.

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  • 25-34_m_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    Best advice I can give is that for to work hard on being financially independent, then you will be able to develop some self confidence and then you will able to become more and more independent. After becoming comfortable with your independence you will become able to draw red borders around which part of your life is up for discussion with your family... and in the long run that would be best for both you, if you honestly think you would lose them if they found out.

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      That is precisely what I'm working on right now. I'm going to save up enough to live an independent life. But if I want to live separately, I'm going to have to lose them first. Unless I can change the way they think. You see, in my family, if a girl is living alone then it is considered that she is disgraceful and probably has many boyfriends, goes out to clubs etc. It is unheard of. Not a single girl has lived alone in my family. And we have many girls.

      Honestly, I don't care but my parents will get to face the taunting and cruel gossip (How can you let your daughter live alone like that, and she isn't even married? Don't you know how the youth is nowadays, going to clubs and drinking. You're just going to let that happen? - And at some point, they'll keep their children away from me)

      No matter what happens, they can hate me or kick me out, they're still my parents and I don't want to see them hurt. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll have to cut myself off entirely from them. That way my parents won't know anything about my whereabouts and no one will be able to blame them.

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    • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
      Advice

      Edel, I would suggest you give them a chance first to see how they will receive this news. Often what happens is that people move to different cities to claim that there are more job opportunities there, that will lay them off your back, unless they suggest that someone moves in with you. In that case you might be able to live with your girlfriend or with someone else who is gay. If it comes down to you not being able to do that at all, then you can take some further steps, and doing it anyway knowing that you risk communication with them.

      I would agree with mabbambi that gaining financial independence frees you from all the strings attached when you're still living under the same roof as your family.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      I know it won't be received well, but I believe human behaviour is the most unpredictable phenomenon so I'll give them a chance. I hope things work out. For all of us.

      That was good advice. Thanks!

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  • 35-50_m_w_h1_f3
    Comment

    What IS a gay life I wonder? Is it a life whereby I have a partner that comes home every night and fight with about not doing the laundry? Or is it living at peace with myself knowing that I am gay and have the chance to meet someone someday that would be my other half? Or is it being able to practice my sexuality discreetly away from the eyes of the judgmental elements of my society?

    There are many questions that we are all still trying to answer. All in all, the best way to answer them, is to be brave, independent, and in my personal case: have faith in tomorrow and god.

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  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Experience

    The question would be whether to be yourself in this life or not. We can deny our sexuality first to others and then gradually to ourselves but we would forever be living someone else's life.

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      That's what I've come to believe as well. But I've also realized that everyone's truth is unique to them. I know people who are happier denying their sexuality and there really is no black and white to this. For me, personally, I'm happier being true to myself and accepting all of who I am.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h1_f4
    Experience

    Well, I'll tell you my own experience, might help. I am living alone with my mother, my brother is married and living in another country, Anyway, you can imagine the pressure on me, her only girl, wanna see me married with children and the whole "having your own man" thing.

    Anyway, aside from actually being in a relationship that I deeply appreciate, I can't imagine living a lie. It's not only because I'd be unhappy, the person who I will marry will defiantly be unhappy ! Cuz simply I wouldn't be able to give him love, show him how much I miss him, or any other emotional feeling. This would be totally unfair for the both of us, I mean, what did this imaginary guy did to be punished by marrying a gay girl??
    I actually came to know someone who is gay, got married, and ended divorced and living in her own apartment ! I believe if I got married I'd never last, and of course, my family wouldn't be happy if I ended that way ! So I decided not to let her get into me with all her marriage talking.

    The actual steps I am taking is that I convinced her to let me travel. Since high school I've been talking about it, and she's currently okay with it, so I expect that within the next couple of years I'll not be living here in my country. Another thing is that I talked her to believe that marriage is not the ultimate end to life, I told her that I wanna travel, build my own business, have my own place, and living my life the way I want. She somehow understood it, tho she comes every now and then again with her usual marriage/kids/family thing, but I just go with the flow, like " yeah mom, I'll get married whenever I finish what I wanna do i life, I just don't wanna kill my dreams, and of course, I won't marry a guy to torture him by not being around"
    Actually, this is working just fine with me.

    I really hope you find peace, with yourself, and with your family. xoxo

    Reply to Artemis
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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
    Comment

    there's nothin to terrify u at all! this life is yours... we are born homosexuals! there's nothing wrong with that! we are not sick, it's not a disease, we don't have parents issues! it's just who we are... and for u to be with another girl that's what normal for u! u will love and be loved and have a very normal life :D

    Reply to Mina
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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f4
    Experience

    Okay so ill have to say that I came out to my mother when I was 16, my best friend whom I was falling madly for and it was obc unrequited love and also 2 years ago to my ex gf
    And my ex have recently broke up with me cause she didn't picture our future together and that she cannot bare living like this in the dark and that her mother is pushing to see her getting married and also because of religious related matters ill have to say that I understand her but I don't forgive her because we were different and she was my everything and she is miserable because of that and so am I . to cut it short am just saying this to tell you that everyone choose his/her own path some of these paths will make you happy at first some of them will make you sad at first and others will make you live in happiness all the time or -god forbidden- sad all rhe time . Being a homosexual in a " religious" community is harder than anything because you know what's wrong and what's not but we didn't ask for this am really not good about giving an advice probably because am in your shoe and actually I ve tasted how it feels to have someone that you love most then everything just fall apart because of the community religion etc however the bright side is that you are not alone and we are all her for and with you

    Reply to Lafemme
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  • 17-24_m_b_h3_f3
    Comment

    GUYS!!! Just Live your gay life man it aint changinng...............FEAR is FROM the FUCKING DEVIL..Courage comes from you !!! Just let it goo! Let it goo!!! ( haha frozen)

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  • To live the gay life or not? My everyday question!

    Dear Edel,

    The struggle you going through being a dilemma of which future to choose means you'll have to forsake one life for the other. You can also choose to live both, something which I believe isnt in what you envision to work or perhaps it seems hypocritical?

    Remember you can be the obedient daughter/wife/mother and you'll find hapiness in some daughter/wife/mother moments and you can also be the independent empowered gay living with the love of your life (or single).

    Which one do you feel at peace with?

    Reply to Afrabrules
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  • 25-34_m_w_h1_f4
    Comment

    I am happy for you, this was a big step. Dont worry about the future, things will be ok

    Reply to kosheiry
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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
    Comment

    I find it terribly depressing that for many of us, this is the choice that we have to make. I am in the same boat as you.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2
    Comment

    Same here.

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  • 51-65_m_b_h3_f1
    Comment

    I came out to my younger brother. It was a liberating experience! Of course, during the time I was talking, I was in tears... I since live in deep gratitude for God's support, and for my brother's as well.

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  • 17-24_m_w_h4_f4
    Comment

    Happy to see that you have your brother's support GiorLeo and that you have this burden off of your shoulder to be able to come clean about your identity to a family member =)

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    Yea that was pretty much it for me. I was seriously considering not, well- being gay. Get married to a nice guy and have kids and my immediate family still around loving me and being proud of me. But then I figured I couldn't even call it 'sacrifice'. My life wouldn't have meant much if I'd have lived that lie and my existence would have been miserable.

    It's like, if I had taken the easy way out I would have been somewhat happy in the beginning, but sooner or later my truth would have caught up with me. That marriage would not have worked and all the damage caused would have been my fault. My life would have been a bit more harder and years of my life wasted. So not worth it.

    What you said is true. Be brave, independent and have faith in tomorrow and God.

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  • 17-24_m_b_h2_f4
    Comment

    parents want us to have families because it's the easiest way to measure a "successful life", so when they look back to what they accomplished they can say "atleast my children are happily married" . so basically , ur mum wont feel that urge to get u a husband if u proved ur self in ur career , im not sayin that the nagging would stop , but wont be as harsh , cuz if u achieved alot in ur life without "the marriage" that will make her proud adding ur accomplishments toher own , and would probablymake her realize that getting married would only delay ur career progress

    • 12-16_m_b_h3_f4
      Experience

      Yeah it kills me that this is their idea of a happy, stable and fulfilled life: married with children. It's worse when they only want to believe this because that's what the extended family and society at large want and expect from us too. When you're the only son in the family the pressure is enormous! Living with constant guilt that I haven't given my family what they want from me.

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    • 51-65_m_b_h3_f1
      Comment

      Well, I'd rather live my God's plan any time. At least I'd be sure of His gracious support during the course of this life, and the one after... As for my family's views, sorry! I never could, or would, succumb to how they thought of my career, let alone of my sexuality. And, at the end of the day, God did support both. Had I fallen to my parent's wishes, I would have ended an utter, bitter failure!!!

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Experience

    This. Is EXACTLY what I'm doing! I've been talking a lot about traveling and building a life elsewhere. Studying, working, living on my own etc. She's OK with it too and yea occasionally brings up marriage and I tell her that I'm going to marry when I'm "ready" and that I'm going to live my life my way. She's coming to accept it all and I'm slowly building up my independence. She does encourage me so that's good. When anyone else asks, I just say that I've got a bad case of the independence.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h1_f4
    Comment

    Mums eh? Even they'll try to fool themselves into thinking things are okay with their kids because they'd rather not face the 'truth'. Bless their hearts.

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