I walked into a mosque. I had no intention of staying, but I was waiting for a friend. Prior to college, I knew about Islam. I wasn't raised in it -- I was born American, and I had a fascination with Middle Eastern culture and religion. Then during college, one thing led to another and I was connected to all the people in the Muslim network of my college.
There was one particular guy that kept my interest. He was tall, glasses, but totally not attractive at all. And his personality was like a C-. He always talked about wanting girls and the like, and how he messed around with girl's feelings, so I was like "Whatever. He ain't interested. Time to move on." He's Pakistani and he speaks fluent Urdu. Of course, that didn't stop me from catching feelings for him. He had a cute, dorky smile and his laughter always filled the room.
So of course, as I said, I had no intention of being a Muslim. And looking back on it I was way more well-informed. Because this website is a largely Middle Eastern community, I hold back from commenting a lot (I am Puerto Rican and live in America). I went to celebrate iftaar with my friends, not because I'm Muslim but because I was invited. It was my first time ever stepping foot in a masjid.
So of course, I literally don't know anything about Islam. My friends walk in for isha'a prayer and I'm just sitting outside of the room, reading the Qur'an on a phone app lol. A shiekh approaches me, ask me why I'm here, one thing leads to another, and suddenly I'm in front of a variety of different colored faces staring at me as I profess that Allah is the only true Allah.
I was scared, and I didn't want to back down. But they took a video of it, and that was terrifying. And they posted it in the college Muslim network group. So that was full fledged proof that I just totally became a Muslim -- and before I did, I was talking to the guy I liked. The Paki. He was also a Muslim. So I might've been emotionally driven to make a life-changing decision and I took it so casually. Nothing felt wrong about me confessing that I acknowledge Allah as my God.
It's insane -- I only reverted a month ago, and here I am, praying 5 times a day. Making dua'a for everyone. Since I took the shahada I've been a hotspot for prayers, which I don't mind, but it's also overwhelming since everyone I know has been raised in Islam and is throwing resources at me faster than I can absorb them. And I'm not even sure to this day if I committed because I loved someone who was also Muslim. Gay marriage is legal in the U.S., but he's not even gay. Best case scenario, he just happens to be gay, then his family will most likely disown him. But I do feel closely attached to him...and I was naively hoping we could be friends. There was one thing I gained, and it is a profound knowledge of the Qur'an, even for just a month. I pray 5 times, I know the Arabic, I memorized a few surahs now. In just a month. And I don't feel like it's enough. Because I want to be a good Muslim.
I want to be a good person. And I don't want people to ever think that their intentions and their prayers aren't good enough. That they are not good enough. But I would've rather taken the shahada out of love for someone than out of spite. I've gotten told so many times that people envied me because my slate was wiped clean. It doesn't feel very clean. But I love my god and I love my religion and I want people to love those things too, without having their sexual orientation make them step away from it.