Start a Discussion Find support & help more people

My story.

A+ A-

This could be triggering.. Plus, its long as hell..

My mom and dad are extremely religious.. Both of them are sadly Muslims. Ever since the summer break of 2014, I started questioning my sexuality.. And I would reject it so much to the point where I literally made myself believe that I had a crush on a classmate.. I started finding out that I wasnt straight.. I didnt know what I was, but it was for sure not straight.. I would constantly deny the smallest thought of me not being straight.. Here in the middle east, just being FEMININE and a guy means you are gonna be like trash people step over.. One time, my sister told my mother she should find a way to get rid of all my body hair, as I am extremely hairy.. My mom responded with "Are you mad? Do you want him to be like those disguting Homos on TV?" That comment destroyed.. Not only did it come from my MOM, but she didnt know that I wasnt straight.. Later, I told myself that I was bi.. That I liked both girls and guys.. And I, like a damn fool, decided to come out to two of my friends at school.. Maya and Carmel. To my suprise, Carmel and Maya really didnt seem to give a flying fuck, which honestly made me really happy.. That is until I realized, they did.. Me and them got in a pretty big fight.. It was about me not being straight.. "Dude, its wrong! You will burn in hell!" Said Carmel.. "Yeah, are you on drugs?" Says Maya.. This just kept getting worse and worse to the point where I started becoming scared of my two "best friends".. They started sending me hate mail.. Stuff like " DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE" and "F-A-G-G-O-T!" And I couldnt take it anymore.. I told the principel and he gave them a suspension.. And I was happy! As I thought it was finally over.. But it wasnt. After the day they were suspended, Maya and Carmel told our class assholes about me, about them, about everything.. And my life instantly became worse.. I couldnt walk through the hallways of school without hearing the arabian version of faggot, فرير.. Then, in science class, the assholes started bullying me while one of them held an iphone and recorded it all on snapchat.. I was destroyed, but I acted like I wasnt.. Then, right before the midterms, they did it AGAIN! But this time, it was full on beating me up.. I tried to ignore it.. And the whole recording stuff finally stopped.. Also, by this point I realized that I actually was NOT bi, but that I was rather full on gay.. I realized that the only reason I said i was bi was just to not get as much hate from people.. Like, "hey! Dont be like that! Im still into girls too, you know!" I realized that I was lying to myself... Pretty fucked up, right? This was just so much worse when I started realizing that my mom was abusing me.. Way back in my old school, if I got something wrong while I was studying with her, she would slap me, punch me, scream at me, among other horrible things.. Not only that, but when the Maya + Carmel drama was happening, I got so much anxiety that I literally got a HEART DISEASE.. Then, I had my two suicide attempts.. One of them was me holding a knife to my chest, and slowwwly putting it in.. And the other? Yeah, that had me almost jumping off of my Grandmothers roof.. I started hating EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.. Mail man? Hated him! Random animals? hated them! The flowers outside? Yup! Hated those too.. After that, I FINALLY researched stuff about LGBT Arabs, and guess what? 1. I found out that Russia and arabian countries probably treat LGBT people the worst, and 2. That LGBT Arabs are rarer than Unicorns.. Arabs wil literally HANG LGBT people.. I started becoming so goddamn desperate for a boyfriend.. I wanted someome to genuinley be happy when I am, be sad when I am sad, among other things.. I wanted someone to give me the love I never got as a kid.. I wanted to be important to somebody.. I just wanted to be a source of happiness to someones life.. Heck, my best friend, Zain, mistreats me as well.. He always calls me a faggot, always hits me, and always takes everything I say seriously.. Despite this, He is still dear to me as he one of the most accepting people I ever met.. Plus, hes bi as well.. So finally! Another LGBT person I know in REAL LIFE.. Although, Zain can take care of himself, zains family is nice as hell, his family is accepting as hell, they never beat him up, etc.. I get so jealous and so upset when I see posts like "Just came out to my family/friends as Bi/Gay/Pan/whatever and it was great!" I always go "damn, i wish that stuff can happen to me.." I just really want to be happy and accepted.. Zain suggested that I go to host parents for 11th grade, but my mom wanting to go live in Dubai can ruin that.. As she wants me to go with her.. Everyone I know is homophobic, everyone i know bullies me, i got betrayed so bad.. I just want it all to stop. Also, I REALLY want to have a boyfriend.. Like extremely.. Having someone that I can talk to everyday that's NOT a friend would be amazing.. I honestly don't even care if it's long distance, I just REALLY want to have someone that way.. Living in the Middle East isn't easy, but I know having someone like that would make it at least a little bit better for me. Another thing, I am REALLY worried that when I DO (hopefully) go to America, no one is gonna care about this.. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I want people to pity me 24/7 or make this my main trait, but I want people to acknowledge it and not act like it is normal, especially a BF. Also, I'm 14.

Sorry if this is annoying, but I'm really upset. Anyway, sorry for the boring ass rant.

TLDR: Im basically depressed.

Cancel
  • OMG your story had me in tears. Poor kiddo!!! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. Sending so much love and support your way. You are not alone. We have your back even if it's just here on the internet! I really hope you find what you're looking for - you so deserve a supportive boyfriend, supportive friends, and a safe school. I commend you for surviving all the violence you've endured. It's totally understandable that you're depressed given your circumstances. I hope things get better for you hugs

    Reply to femmeprincess
    This was helpful! Flag
  • 25-34_m_w_h1_f4
    Experience

    what a story thank u so much for sharing it! i sincerely believe you'll find the best in this world and all this struggles will be behind you. once you find the right person theyll make you forget all these hardships. patience pays! just wait and see. i know thats not very useful but weve all been there. and it DOES improve over time. you meet better people in your adult life. more accepting tolerant and open. dont be depressed. youre too young and you have your entire life ahead of you. so much to be excited about. potential for the future. how are you feeling these days?

    Reply to 6a3miya
    This was helpful! Flag
  • Okay, I'm SO sorry you've been through all this, I hope sharing it could hopefully make it at least a little bit better for you However, I'm not known for my sugar coating here, I do feel your pain, trust me but I can't just tell you what you wanna hear to make you feel better cuz that wouldn't be right to you. Firstly, "religion" can't be blamed for all the abuse you've got (neither should the whooole Middle east tbh) whether your parents were religious or not, some people don't even believe in God yet are homophobic as hell. So don't blame it all on a a cretin religion or certain spot on Earth, as worst homophobic cases and abuse come usually from countries like USA that "approve" gay marriage. So for your own sake, do not generalize because it might shock you later, for example, you'd go to a certain country that you think will blindly accept you then find out you're not very accepted etc. It's the people and their mentalities, you'll meet everywhere the good and the bad so don't build your hopes up that once you live in another place all this will stop because its always a 50/50 chance. Do not take this as me "defending" a place or a religion, because no, I'm not, and I know it isn't easy at all in the Mid east but it also isn't impossible, its always the people we surround ourselves with that matter, my friends accept me as a lesbian, my parents are religious yet they never judge gay people but that doesn't mean everyone else has it the same so no I'm not defending I just don't want you to think that things can get changed magically. You just need to choose better and more accepting friends, you need to boost your own self esteem as trust me, you're not doing anything wrong AT ALL, you are what you are and what God made you so embrace it yet be careful as in, do not go near the fire yourself then complain of getting burnt, if you sense that some people are bad news just stay away, if you sense that some people don't accept homosexuality well yet you don't wanna lose them then simply don't bring it up with them (not saying you should hide, but you simply don't have to identify your sexual orientation to everyone, its something personal in the end) and most importantly, ignore any non accepting idiots. Keep in mind that your life does matter, and you do matter as well and I'm sure there are people think the same in your life, don't think of ending it then, you seem young and I'm quite sure there are still a lot for you to experience and go through in life, Keep in mind that each experience whether good or bad you've gone through will only make you stronger later. Stay positive and stay safe.

    Reply to Delusions
    This was helpful! Flag
  • Keep your chin up and your head high young man. All these experiences will only make you stronger.

    Reply to OmarTheWarrior
    This was helpful! Flag
  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
    Comment

    My heart aches for you, If there is anything I could do, please tell me! Stay strong. You will be out of that house and environment soon. It just takes time . A friend is here if you need one!

    Reply to Cuddles
    This was helpful! Flag
  • This was helpful! Flag

Hall of Fame