This could be triggering.. Plus, its long as hell..
My mom and dad are extremely religious.. Both of them are sadly Muslims. Ever since the summer break of 2014, I started questioning my sexuality.. And I would reject it so much to the point where I literally made myself believe that I had a crush on a classmate.. I started finding out that I wasnt straight.. I didnt know what I was, but it was for sure not straight.. I would constantly deny the smallest thought of me not being straight.. Here in the middle east, just being FEMININE and a guy means you are gonna be like trash people step over.. One time, my sister told my mother she should find a way to get rid of all my body hair, as I am extremely hairy.. My mom responded with "Are you mad? Do you want him to be like those disguting Homos on TV?" That comment destroyed.. Not only did it come from my MOM, but she didnt know that I wasnt straight.. Later, I told myself that I was bi.. That I liked both girls and guys.. And I, like a damn fool, decided to come out to two of my friends at school.. Maya and Carmel. To my suprise, Carmel and Maya really didnt seem to give a flying fuck, which honestly made me really happy.. That is until I realized, they did.. Me and them got in a pretty big fight.. It was about me not being straight.. "Dude, its wrong! You will burn in hell!" Said Carmel.. "Yeah, are you on drugs?" Says Maya.. This just kept getting worse and worse to the point where I started becoming scared of my two "best friends".. They started sending me hate mail.. Stuff like " DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE" and "F-A-G-G-O-T!" And I couldnt take it anymore.. I told the principel and he gave them a suspension.. And I was happy! As I thought it was finally over.. But it wasnt. After the day they were suspended, Maya and Carmel told our class assholes about me, about them, about everything.. And my life instantly became worse.. I couldnt walk through the hallways of school without hearing the arabian version of faggot, فرير.. Then, in science class, the assholes started bullying me while one of them held an iphone and recorded it all on snapchat.. I was destroyed, but I acted like I wasnt.. Then, right before the midterms, they did it AGAIN! But this time, it was full on beating me up.. I tried to ignore it.. And the whole recording stuff finally stopped.. Also, by this point I realized that I actually was NOT bi, but that I was rather full on gay.. I realized that the only reason I said i was bi was just to not get as much hate from people.. Like, "hey! Dont be like that! Im still into girls too, you know!" I realized that I was lying to myself... Pretty fucked up, right? This was just so much worse when I started realizing that my mom was abusing me.. Way back in my old school, if I got something wrong while I was studying with her, she would slap me, punch me, scream at me, among other horrible things.. Not only that, but when the Maya + Carmel drama was happening, I got so much anxiety that I literally got a HEART DISEASE.. Then, I had my two suicide attempts.. One of them was me holding a knife to my chest, and slowwwly putting it in.. And the other? Yeah, that had me almost jumping off of my Grandmothers roof.. I started hating EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.. Mail man? Hated him! Random animals? hated them! The flowers outside? Yup! Hated those too.. After that, I FINALLY researched stuff about LGBT Arabs, and guess what? 1. I found out that Russia and arabian countries probably treat LGBT people the worst, and 2. That LGBT Arabs are rarer than Unicorns.. Arabs wil literally HANG LGBT people.. I started becoming so goddamn desperate for a boyfriend.. I wanted someome to genuinley be happy when I am, be sad when I am sad, among other things.. I wanted someone to give me the love I never got as a kid.. I wanted to be important to somebody.. I just wanted to be a source of happiness to someones life.. Heck, my best friend, Zain, mistreats me as well.. He always calls me a faggot, always hits me, and always takes everything I say seriously.. Despite this, He is still dear to me as he one of the most accepting people I ever met.. Plus, hes bi as well.. So finally! Another LGBT person I know in REAL LIFE.. Although, Zain can take care of himself, zains family is nice as hell, his family is accepting as hell, they never beat him up, etc.. I get so jealous and so upset when I see posts like "Just came out to my family/friends as Bi/Gay/Pan/whatever and it was great!" I always go "damn, i wish that stuff can happen to me.." I just really want to be happy and accepted.. Zain suggested that I go to host parents for 11th grade, but my mom wanting to go live in Dubai can ruin that.. As she wants me to go with her.. Everyone I know is homophobic, everyone i know bullies me, i got betrayed so bad.. I just want it all to stop. Also, I REALLY want to have a boyfriend.. Like extremely.. Having someone that I can talk to everyday that's NOT a friend would be amazing.. I honestly don't even care if it's long distance, I just REALLY want to have someone that way.. Living in the Middle East isn't easy, but I know having someone like that would make it at least a little bit better for me. Another thing, I am REALLY worried that when I DO (hopefully) go to America, no one is gonna care about this.. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I want people to pity me 24/7 or make this my main trait, but I want people to acknowledge it and not act like it is normal, especially a BF. Also, I'm 14.
Sorry if this is annoying, but I'm really upset. Anyway, sorry for the boring ass rant.
TLDR: Im basically depressed.