I just figured out that somehow I love my straight best friend from college.
We are different in many things, life style, she's much more religous, she doesn't listen to the same music or see the same movies or do the same activities, but somehow she manges to make my heart fly everytime I see her. I'm living abroad so I get to see her few times a year.. What drives me crazy is that the way she holds my hand, lean on me, hug me is SO GAY!! I mean she asked me just today to hold her in my arms while we were sitting in a freakin' cafe ! And when she sat back she was almost crying 'as I'm travelling back tomorrow!'. And when we were arguing about the way I dress, I told her that if anyone else spoke to me in these personal stuff I'd shut them up but cuz you are my bestfriend I'm tolerating her.. her reaction was saying "ana ba7bek" w hya betsabel !!
I hate that feeling.. and I can never tell her am gay cuz that will mean that I'll lose her.. and No.. she's not gay 'or maybe she doesn't know she is! '
Worst part ever is that I'm already in a 5 yrz old relationship, we are having some issues but trying to work on it.. now I feel like shit.. and maybe it's all in my head after all..
*sigh* I really needed to write this somewhere ! .