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I'm lonely and torn

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I keep going back and forth between staying with my husband and leaving to explore this resurfaced side of me. Awakened sexuality after being married for 2 years..sucked. It completely threw me off course and I didn't expect it to get this intense. I constantly find myself wanting, yearning a woman. Not just her body either.

I want to be faithful and stay, but it's so hard. I have this whole new world opened up to me and I can't figure myself out. If I do, I am careless, selfish and a confused whore.

He knows about this and we had a hellish year because of it and I'm finally feeling like my sexuality is balanced again, only to feel this wave again. this shaky ground, this uncertainty hanging over me blocking me from the light of knowing.

I feel split.and torn and confused and sad. Especially when I love him and appreciate all he does for me and how supportive he is. I don't want to ruin what we have over lust..over this fantasy to be in love with another woman.

Part of thinks I would start my life over, leave him and find mysel, if I just had the resources to take care of myself. The other part thinks I'm kidding myself and attempts to suppress this newly awakened identity. To sweep this under the carpet hurts. It feels like cutting off a limb. A part of me.

Never knowing...is killing me. But never knowing where we would be if I stayed also kills me. For some reason a little less though.

The idea that all this makes me a bad person, a greedy selfish person who is ungrateful and sad..hurts. i can't bear it.

I'm obsessed with actualizing my desire to be free to figure myself out..because I am afraid. I am afraid of ending up miserable like most of the people I see married with kids. Living their blind herded selves into oblivion.

I don't want my eyes to dim. I don't want to wilt. I don't want to give in to heteronormativity for safety. Im so confused and afraid and just wanted to get it off my chest. I know this all doesn't make much sense but I needed to voice it.

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  • 25-34_m_w_h1_f4
    Advice

    oh wow. what a situation. i think you owe it to yourself to explore the possibilities and what can happen. if you truly, truly are in love with your husband thats one thing but if not ... you should really consider to move on with a woman if thats what will make you happy, and if thats who you are. you cant live a lie to please someone who deep down knows youre not being completely honest about your identity or even your love.

    if you are afraid of being miserable and of being stuck with a marriage you dont want you have to walk away now and start the life you deserve, an honest one, with a woman of your dreams. and you cant meet that woman if you are stuck in this marriage, deprived of your identity. deprived of your dreams.

    i fully support this decision so please consider it seriously. i know way too many people who married far too soon and then later identified with a different sexuality.

    keep us updated with your progress. let us know how it goes. we are here to support you.

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      Anonymous
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      Thank you so much. I really appreciate your honesty. Its hard to hear but true, unless I'm able to work things out with him. Yesterday he didnt seem to mind flirting with the idea of a threesome, which shows he's more supportive than I thought. But I dunno if I really want one..I kind of just want to explore with another girl like myself on my own. Maybe lead up to a threesome. But I can't just jump right into that..it would be very nerve wrecking for me lol.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h1_f4
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    Or find a woman who understands your situation and spends time with you accordingly x

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  • Dear, you have a rare & valid case of "Bisexuality" here unlike most of those "bi-curious" confused people. I don't find it necessarily a must for you to leave him in order to have a woman in your life. Why don't you try to balance it if you really care for him and keep the interest in both genders at once. You don't have to hurt him but you also don't have to hurt yourself for him.

    Reply to Delusions
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    Anonymous
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    Yeah I have slowly been flirting with that idea. It's just been so hard with low self esteem mixed with guilt and shame.. ahhhhhh. Plus its hard to find someone with similar goals..and to have chemistry. So many factors. I'm hoping an opportunity presents itself. It would be nice just to be close.

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  • You need to put yourself out there but at the same time don't hope for too much too soon. Just be open about what you're looking for but without very high exception at first and trust me everything escalates on its own eventually, it's always difficult at first but you'll eventually learn to accept yourself if you really want to so good luck

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  • What a dilemma! I'm sorry you feel so guilty - that's one thing that I think you can actually change. Your circumstances are difficult, but there's no reason to add feelings of guilt to your suffering. It's not your fault you feel this way and that these feelings impact your husband. Your feelings are totally valid and I hope that you are able to find the freedom you desire soon,

    Reply to femmeprincess
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