I keep going back and forth between staying with my husband and leaving to explore this resurfaced side of me. Awakened sexuality after being married for 2 years..sucked. It completely threw me off course and I didn't expect it to get this intense. I constantly find myself wanting, yearning a woman. Not just her body either.
I want to be faithful and stay, but it's so hard. I have this whole new world opened up to me and I can't figure myself out. If I do, I am careless, selfish and a confused whore.
He knows about this and we had a hellish year because of it and I'm finally feeling like my sexuality is balanced again, only to feel this wave again. this shaky ground, this uncertainty hanging over me blocking me from the light of knowing.
I feel split.and torn and confused and sad. Especially when I love him and appreciate all he does for me and how supportive he is. I don't want to ruin what we have over lust..over this fantasy to be in love with another woman.
Part of thinks I would start my life over, leave him and find mysel, if I just had the resources to take care of myself. The other part thinks I'm kidding myself and attempts to suppress this newly awakened identity. To sweep this under the carpet hurts. It feels like cutting off a limb. A part of me.
Never knowing...is killing me. But never knowing where we would be if I stayed also kills me. For some reason a little less though.
The idea that all this makes me a bad person, a greedy selfish person who is ungrateful and sad..hurts. i can't bear it.
I'm obsessed with actualizing my desire to be free to figure myself out..because I am afraid. I am afraid of ending up miserable like most of the people I see married with kids. Living their blind herded selves into oblivion.
I don't want my eyes to dim. I don't want to wilt. I don't want to give in to heteronormativity for safety. Im so confused and afraid and just wanted to get it off my chest. I know this all doesn't make much sense but I needed to voice it.