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Just another story.

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First of all I'd like to thank the person who made this website and each and everyone of you for being on it. I stumbled upon this website while I was idle at work today and ended up spending almost 3 to 4 hours reading different posts. Different heartfelt stories. So, then I decided to make an account and share my story. Just write it all down and be heard for once.

I am originally from Pakistan and I have spent my entire life in Bahrain. My parents got divorced when I was 3, my father didn't keep in contact with me.

When I was around 8 or 9 years, I realized I like girls. I didn't quite understand at that time obviously. I used to like this friend of mine who was a couple of years older to me, in fact I even told her and she replied 'I know, just don't tell anyone.'
So, hiding my feelings started pretty young. Anyways, as I grew up I got more and more convinced that I'm definitely not straight.

During my teenage years when everyone around me was dating and 'falling in love', I was just trying to wrap my head around what was going on with me and also trying very hard not to develop a crush on any chick.

Coming out hasn't been all that well with me. When I was 18, I came out to my best friend who is religious. She told me she accepted me the way I was. Well, that was the last time we properly spoke about it. She knows but we don't talk about it.
Later when I was 19, I told another friend of mine. He was very excited cause men and their lesbian fascination never end. Again, I don't talk about it with him cause every time I do he looks at it from the sexual point of view. So it's just hopeless.
That same year, I came out to my cousin. And that my friends, will be one of the biggest regrets of my life.
She told me yeah okay you're gay but be sure not to act on it. But that wasn't it. After that, she started acting conscious around me. She wouldn't hug me, she would freak out if I accidentally touched her. For god sake, I wasn't even attracted to her! All this just resulted in self loathing.
She's come around now and doesn't act paranoid anymore but she just totally shuns the fact that I ever even came out to her.
After all this I just told myself, I'm done with coming out to people.

Now I'm 21, very much closeted and very frustrated. I know that I can never come out.
My life revolves around my mother. My mother sacrificed everything for me. She's always been more like a friend to me. At the time when my friends had to lie to their parents about who they were hanging out or where they were going, I never had to do that. I was always honest and she never said no to anything. Always trusted/trusts me. See that just makes everything so much harder cause I have this huge secret and to keep it from her. It kills me but If I tell it to her it'll kill her. So I'm just stuck in a rut.

Recently, she has started nagging me with the topic I truly am not interested in: 'Marriage'. One of my cousins who is younger to me is going to get engaged this year, so the only thing every other person in the family talks to mother about is 'When will your daughter get married.' (Plus, marriage is like every other Pakistani's person's favorite topic) Shit is getting real and I'm just sitting here not knowing what to do.
There is a tiny part of me that says, she might accept me. BUT, the rest of my family won't. And they will just blame her and criticize her and say every other horrible thing which I cannot see happening. Her family is everything to her and destroying that for her will probably be the worse thing I can ever do.
The end result, I can't hurt her thus I can't come out.

You know what really sucks? Not being able to talk about all this. Not being able to be myself. I have a lot of friends but no one to talk to. But then again, I don't expect anyone to understand cause they really don't know what its like.
And anyways, does anyone ever completely accept you for who you are? Sigh, I guess not.

Sorry for making it so long!
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  • I will start by answering your last question: "And anyways, does anyone ever completely accept you for who you are? ". The answer is Yes, it takes time, a lot of disappointment, but eventually Yes!
    And honestly I don't think your focus should be on coming out to people, you don't have to prove anything to anyone, as long as you are comfortable in your own skin! Coming out is not always pretty, in our society... I hope that you will find in Ahwaa the support you are looking for whether online or offline (a lot of Ahwaa members are from Bahrain).

    • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
      Experience

      I agree, as long as you're happy and confident no one needs to know for the longest time in my life the only people who knew were me and my partner, and we were blissfully in love. Nothing else mattered, and no one else needed to know. I didn't let the secrecy bother me at all. It was liberating in its own way, like we had a new world just for us.

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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f2
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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    Hello Naz! Welcome to Ahwaa. You are very much welcome here and I promise you, pretty much all of us understand where you're coming from since most of us have at some point in our lives been in the same boat as you. I'm Pakistani too, living as an expat and I understand how tough it can be, I really do. I feel it every day myself. You are still quite young and it does get better as you grow up. I often day dream about how it would be to come out to my mother and she's all accepting of it... I know it won't ever happen and I don't want it to. Same reason as yours. I can distance myself and escape the talks but my mother will face the worst of it and she's done so much for me, it's just not fair on her.

    The way I have avoided marriage talk is by painting myself as an independent career-oriented feminist who doesn't need to marry. When my mother says "you have to marry someday" I honestly say yes because I know I will but I don't have to say who to, you know? I'm aiming to be independent enough to move to a place where I can live openly, far away from everyone. It's easier said and a bigger part of me just never wants to leave mom.

    As far as friends go, you don't just need a homosexual friend, you need friends who accept you. I have very few gay friends but I do have straight friends who accept me completely. So it does happen! I mean, to them my gayness isn't even a big deal. It's just a little fact about me - that's it - because that's all it is.

    Thanks so much for sharing and of course we're all here to listen and share. You are not alone at all!

    Reply to Edel
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  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
    Comment

    Hello Naz, welcome to Ahwaa.. You're still young don't get frustrated. A long life is still ahead of you, and I'm sure you'll find understanding people.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f2
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    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Experience

      When I came out to my sister, she didn't want to talk about it ever. She was ok but didn't want to talk about it. I started finding ways of bringing it up in conversation- kind of forced her to get used to it. It worked with her because she was already comfortable with homosexuality- it was simply different with me. As for the rest, I guess I got lucky. But that's only because I got comfortable with myself and only accept friends who are ok with everything about me as close friends. I do hope that you find the people that you're looking for.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h1_f4
    Comment

    Interesting topic... For sure... I agree with Edel- you don't have to say 'with whom' you get married to. Any way, she's got good advice...

    Reply to h0ney
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