For a large part of my life I tried to disappear. Based on fear. Fear of how I would be accepted from the world around me, fear of the unknown, fear of the seeds of malice that could possibly be sown. Only until last year I put it on my list to seek out the company of others, but it's led me down that dark path once more. I said to myself last year before this search for romance I'd take a stance on abstinence from that life, seeking only friendships. Someone I met by happenstance filled my mind with bad advice for me personally. I told them I was only looking for a friend and not a companion, and they argued with me veraciously, made me feel less of a human being for my choice to express my voice, for my choice to have my own individuality by myself without the aide of another soul to satisfy the hole that I thought was there. I was scared. I didn't want to end up old and alone at that point, so I met up with a man from my past who tore my fragile esteem down even more. I'm only just beginning to realize, it's not important anymore. It's not a need, I can leave that life anytime and basically become like a monk. I can take time to reflect, take time to grow and mature, take time to be sure of myself before I ruin anymore friendships and relationships before I jump in with the ones who are not right for me. So being single and alone is not a slump. I don't have to let a man control my emotions, don't have to wait on the phone for a call that will never come, or some foreign sense of wonderment, and contentment that ends so quickly and makes my emotional state so sickly. I begin to learn to esteem myself only then will I be able to learn to love another. And I'm in no hurry for the right guy. When he comes, he will come. When it is meant to be I will see.