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On being transgender, depression and suicide

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Hey to everyone for a start. this is gonna be a bit long, and you can skip to the last paragraph for the important stuff "^^

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Writing about this online is a bit scary to be honest, but as you can guess from the title, I'm overwhelmed and I hit my limits.

I'm a trans woman, I had the unfortunate disaster of being born in Egypt, where your rights as a human being are not of a major concern generally, and if you're trans, then you're not even considered a human by most people, but rather as some sort of a freak.

Anyway, so I've been questioning my gender identity since the earliest I can remember, like 5 years old or so, but cause of the lack of knowledge on the subject, I always thought that it's just a dream or a fantasy, till a few years ago when I actually knew about what it means to be trans and what transitioning is, HRT, GRS...etc. and ever since then, it stopped being a dream and became a life goal of sorts.

I have been self medicating with spironolactone as an anti-androgen, and estradiol (estrogen) for 7 months now, but obviously with no medical supervision an blood work their is no guarantee that dosages are right or if it's even having an effect.

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Fast forwarding to the situation right now, I pretty much lost all hope in ever getting a chance to actually transition and to live as myself,instead of having to pretend to be someone I'm not everyday of my life. I no longer can deal with family, friends, coworkers, they see me as someone I'm not, and having to put up with even one more day of being misgendered and homophobic/transmisogynistic society is too much, and I don't think it's worth all that pain anymore.

I'm extremely depressed, I can barely function on everyday basic chores, and those past view weeks things got to a point where I'm self harming (cutting) and being suicide an almost killing myself. I can't stand this hell that is my life anymore and I want out.

The reason I'm alive now is cause I made a promise to a friend to try and talk to a therapist first, and that's why I'm here. I need to find an LGBTQ friendly therapist in Cairo, any advice would literally be life saving.

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  • 51-65_f_f_h1_f3
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    I cannot even begin to imaging the pain and suffering you must be going through. I wish there was anything for me to do or say to make you feel better and to eliminate this pain but I know there isn't, so I will just say that I will do my best to check for any LGBTQ friendly therapists in Cairo so they can assist in any way possible. It's unacceptable that you have to deal with this all alone. I wish also your friends and family would wise up and start seeing you for who you really are and not as someone else, or someone they want you to be. Please hang in there and let's try and find someone who can help.

    • 17-24_f_b_h3_f4
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      Thank you so much the support, and for offering to help with finding a therapist. If you happen to stumble on anything, that would be of a great help!

      Actually there is two online friends that I came out to a while ago, and being accepted by someone was a great feeling, one that I never thought I would get to experience, but even with their acceptance and support, life was still a living hell, I was still stuck in a society that have no understanding whatsoever if trans issues, stuck with a very religious family that would -at best- disown me if they knew, and stuck as a gender I'm not, with no hope at sight for any change.

      I don't even know if a therapist would help with anything, but it's the one thing I haven't tried yet, and I can't cope with all of that while also being depressed and suicidal, at least they might prescribe antidepressant or anything that would stop me from wanting to kill myself every waking minute of everyday -.-

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  • 25-34_f_w_h1_f1
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    Having to face all this must be a huge pain
    i feel really sorry for you , and for everyone having the same experience .
    i dunno a dr. who's trustworthy to help , but i want you to remember that life's worth living . Your identity , your real self , is worth fighting for it . don't let them break you with their ignorance .
    stay strong \\//

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