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i live in hell, every day passes things become more complicated
really i don't know what or who am i or what should i do !
being alone in all this killing me
i can't pretend it all OK any more.

the idea of ending my life is coming back to me again
really i need support or help
all my life since i started to notes things, i realize that am a girl like all my girl friend's
but they have a different shape of body !!
why ?
and when i asked my family all hell door's opened on my face
and the tell me that they rather to kill me than going on this way.

i had to pretend that its over and i accept it an happy with what i am (boy)
as days pass the fem since grown stronger and stronger in me but i had to keep it in secret because as am getting older i realize what is the consciousnesses of showing that for any one.
so i act, but they suspect that am acting
so they do there best to make me more maleich.

must go for gym training so my muscles grow bigger, i did but i skip it
must go for a boys only schools,and there i had my 1st gay relation
must not play or have a girls as friend's, did but i kept my best friends
and i keep pretending and act
even they get me in a studding field that is very harsh and hard for any one like me]
i tried to end my miserable life 2 time but did't succeeded
then they forced my to get marred for female.
and that was the killer thing, that what tern my all life to hell
if i act on them
i have my special space to live as my self in
but marge destroy it
i tried to tell her but couldn't, i know how she will react
so i keep on acting
now we got children
so
i had to stop for a second and decide what will i do
if i go with my real person and take a step foreword in TG, that will destroy the life of her and the children and every one around me
if i keep acting i will end killing me elf again
ohh am very sick
im crazy a lot this days
am 37 year old, not much lift in my life
i always take a hotel room by my self to feel my fam and think what to do
i want to feel peace
i want help any help.

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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
    Comment

    i'm very sorry you are feeling this way it's tougher than just being gay, your situation is harder because theres a physical element to it too. im not sure what to say to make you feel better but just know youre not alone. maybe find a partner who understands what youre going through?

    • 35-50_f_b_h1_f4
      Comment

      thanks dear skyflake, but am not sure i will find a partner that will understand me and respect me or even help, for many year's i tried to have friend gay or not boys or girls but at the end be sure that there is no understandabol person in this part of the world
      do you know just saying that am gay or want to be a TG, and sex become there target with me even females can you believe that

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    • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
      Advice

      i think you would be surprised, there are really a lot of people who would be interested, but its so hard to find them. even me as someone who is openly gay its impossible to find anyone easily, i have to work really hard and sometimes i ask my friends to keep an eye out and introduce me to the right person. that way at least you know you can trust the next person. did you try something like that? do you have friends you can ask for intros?

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    • 35-50_f_b_h1_f4
      Comment

      no i dont

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