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What am I ??

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Hi all,

Here's my story, I've lived my entire life as a heterosexual girl till 2 years ago.

I met a girl, she was openly lesbian and hooked up with her. At first, it was more like a game to me, and to her too. I considered myself as someone open to new experiences of any kind so homosexual sex was something I really wanted to experience...

Long story short, we're still together. It's been 2 years and 3 months now. We love each other so much that I really think that she made me more complete of a human being.

But, I still struggle with my sexual identity. Sometimes, I still get confused. I had a vision of my life; having a boyfriend, eventually getting married, having kids... being WITH someone publicly, and it's the most difficult part. Everyone, even our closest friends know that we're best friends but no one knows we're "together" we're always hiding what we are to each other.
Am I still the same person I was before meeting her? I still get attracted to men but I can't imagine my life without her. My family and my friends are always asking why I don't get myself a boyfriend and the worst part is that sometimes I want to, but she's essencial to my existence.

To sum up, I'm in a very vulnerable phase. I don't know what I am or what I want...
I'd be very grateful if you would interact with me, say anything, make me feel I'm not alone..

Thank you.

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  • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
    Advice

    wow, i understand your situation really well because i was in it! except i was the girlfriend in this situation. and my ex was in your shoes.

    here is the problem, it seems that as much as you love this girl, she does not fulfill certain needs in your life. it's very difficult to have this secret relationship. there is no hand holding, no double dates with other friends, and people keep asking why you're still single, and what's worse sometimes guys might ask you out and you really want to try ...

    my ex and i were together for 3 years before she finally gave up and is now married to a guy. she still texts me every other day saying how much she loves and misses me but she's a mother now. and i dont think its fair for her husband and kids if i pursue any relationship with her. i wish we stayed with each other but she picked the alternative and now we're both lonely as hell..

    there's a dilemma because i gave her something her husband doesn't - love, attention, care, fun, emotions, passion, but she wanted something more in the end which is just a "normal" and public life.

    in the end you have to make a choice for yourself and see what you really want - which part is better? do you think you can find this love with a man? or just with this girlfriend?

    also know that even if you break up with her and she agrees to be friends, she will always be hurt by this and in the future she might move on and be with someone else. if you would feel jealous by that, then it means you're not ready to leave her, but if you think you'll be happy for her if she is with someone else, then maybe it's time to start thinking about ending this ...

    it's tough but i'm sure you will figure it out! have no regrets and follow what makes you happier and more complete.

    let us know how it goes either way

    Reply to skyflake
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  • Thank you very much skyflake! it's really helpful to find someone who understands. Since I can't talk about it even with her, I'm afraid she'll take it the wrong way.
    What you said helped me clear my thoughts a bit and I have a certain response on 2 topics:
    - If you ask me now what's more important for me? I'd say even when I get confused and everything gets blury, the one thing I know with most certainty is that I love her more than anything in the world and that she's the most important thing in my life.
    - If I would feel jealous by her being with someone else? It would KILL me! even the thought of it makes me suffer.

    I'm open the idea of keeping my relationship with her even if I get married and have kids. I know that she's getting married, but it's different she'll be engaged to a good friend of hers and he's gay. It's a marriage of convenience to protect themselves and shut the mouths of the unfair society that we're living in. I know they won't be sleeping together, they won't be loving each other the way we do. they will be like room-mates. I could do the same but it's not something I want for myself.. Adding more secrets and lies to my life and I don't think it's faire to the children we might have.
    I know it's selfish to want it all, but do you think it can be?

    • 17-24_f_b_h1_f2
      Advice

      seems pretty clear to me! you love her and you should stick with her because i truly think if you leave her seeking a more "normal" and public relationship (in the eyes of society) you won't find true love, dedication and happiness that you have right now with your girlfriend.

      i know that my ex always regretted leaving me because now she doesnt have anything and just a fake relationship with her husband. she thought she was in love but the passion fizzled and now shes stuck in a loveless marriage trying to get me back but i can never forgive her leaving me like that, i just felt it was really selfish and i moved on with someone else anyways. wasnt going to wait around for her. thats a scenario you should keep in mind whenever you question this, because it happened to me and it sucked! make sure it doesnt happen to you too and you end up losing the love of your life.

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  • 17-24_f_f_h1_f1
    Comment

    "I want to, but she's essencial to my existence"

    i think this sums your story up huni :-) stay with whoever makes you feel complete and happy and most of all alive

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  • 25-34_m_w_h1_f4
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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
    Advice

    Based on everything you say, you should stay with this person. If she completes you, you should not want anyone or anything else!

    Stay with her and be happy. Love is always a compromise. Nothing you get will be 100% what you want. But once you find it stick to it and be excited for the future.

    Reply to Reem
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  • 17-24_f_w_h1_f4
    Comment

    You're bisexual and that's fine. I think all people have aspirations outside of their relationships, but that doesn't mean they should destroy the beautiful thing they have for the sake of it. Think about it, if you actually get all of these things, you might not even feel as happy or complete as you are right now. I wish you all the best anyway.

    Reply to skyestone
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