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Who am I?

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Dear everyone, I'm new here. I'm 20 years old. Female.
Here's my story. I've never actually fell in love with a guy before, many asked me to be their gf, but I've never felt this passion, love as much as they did. It was only appreciation for what they did for me. I support gay pride. And I have lots of gay friends. It's with them, that I feel safe, secure, and that I'm myself. I can say, that if any of these gay guys changed their mind i'd totally marry them. Anyway, I've never fell in love with a girl either. Except for Amanda Seyfried (she's an actress) I think I have a lesbian crush on her. But when it came to my friends (girls) I never fell in love with any of them. Maybe I loved them so much, more than they can ever imagine, but it wasn't that kinda of a "lesbian love". Until I knew her. A 28 years old lady. She's beautiful, I can't deny she's hot too. I knew her from facebook (interview for an old assignment in college) then we talked everyday until we became friends. Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm an applied arts student. Let's get back to her. She's horny 24/7. She tried to make me fall in love with her, or make me like the idea of being a lesbian. She used to send me nude pictures of two girls making out. She tried the "oral" sex thing. But it didn't work. Until she stopped. And started to talk to me less dirty. When she is turned on by anything while we were chatting, she tells me to go to sleep (she lives in another country. so time is different) because she will want to talk dirty and I didn't like that. She respected me and my choice.

Few months ago she confessed her love to me. And told me that she wants to take this friendship to a higher level, she told me it was not about sex anymore, she told me that I was different than anyone she knew. To cut the long story short, I don't know whether I'm in love with her or not. Or maybe I am, but I don't think about it because I'm scared. My family will never accept me. My friends are already homophobic. We live in a country where gays are sinners and should all burn in hell! I'm scared because I was raised as a religious person, I fear God. I don't know what to do, I live in denial every single second. And when I try to talk to my friends about it, they get angry and start to talk religion to me! So I decided not to think about it even if I love her the way she does. It's never gonna happen, cause I can never be myself cause I don't even know who i am.
Thank you for your time.
Anonymous. .

  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f4

    To be honest, I don't think you'll accept any kind of relationship with another woman until you accept yourself, which is something you don't seem to be doing. As I always say, educate yourself on the matter so you can educate others, and get to know yourself, and experience anything that will get you closer to your sexuality, and worry about the label 'lesbian' later.

    Don't be scared. It's alright. Search for God within yourself, not in some religious textbook; you won't find God there, you'll just find other peoples' interpretations of Him. And if you're afraid, then learn more about your religion, read the texts and know the different opinions of scholars that concern homosexuality. But even you found nothing to reassure you, remember that God created you this way and you should neither feel guilt or denial.

    Again, educate yourself so you can communicate the subject better with your friends and family. Give them reasons on why it's stupid and empty to deem homosexuality a sin, or an illness, or a deviation; you're still you, and whom attracts you says nothing about your personality, or lessens your love for God.

    You do know who you are, you're just in denial of your sexuality, and that's where your problems are stemming from. And even though your sexuality is an important part of how you deal with everyday life, and how you would sometimes shape your decisions, it does not define you.

    We feel scared when we're alone, and think we're the only ones, but you're not alone. Remember there are over four thousand people here that you can talk to, and you have that woman, too, so talk to her, tell her about your worries and be open with her, and ask about her experience. If she really loves you, she will stick around and help.

    The best of luck.

    Reply to Najm
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