Start a Discussion Find support & help more people

Coming Out to My Sister

A+ A-

About 2 months ago, I felt it was time my sister found out. What I really felt was that I could talk to her and confide in her. I had followed the advice that I had gotten in a previous post and I had been building up to it. I had been leaving little hints here and there, getting her opinion on homosexuality, testing the waters, really. At first, I told myself to be patient and wait for the right time. Then I thought about how I had no idea what the right time felt like, so how was I to recognize it. I made the decision based on the fact that I felt like I could tell her.

So one day, I composed an email where I told her I was gay. I talked about how I had known for some time, how it hadn’t been a choice for me. I told her that I was aware of how difficult my life was going to be but that it was my life and I was ready to protect and fight for it. I even touched the religion issue. One of the reasons I didn’t want to tell her was because I was, and kind of still am, confused about where I stood with my religion. Anyways, I waited till she left for work and built up courage (Read: went cold all over, started shaking and, at one point, cried with fear) and sent the email! Resisted the 30 second window gmail provides for undoing a sent email and tried to calm myself down.

I had to wait a few years. OK a few hours, but they felt like years! She finally replied via text and she said that I was an idiot for being so worried and that it was OK. They felt like the best words I had ever read and I thought, ‘Wow. Those are the most amazing words I’ve ever heard.’ But what did it mean? Is she really going to be OK with my life and my choices? When I had approached the topic before she said it wouldn’t be that easy (we were talking about a movie, at the time).

When she came home later that night, I talked to her. And she was suspiciously cool with me. She told me that she had done her research and she knew that being a homosexual was not a sin because it was not a choice and that she was mostly worried about mom and dad. She was very adamant about them not finding out, ever. I agreed. She said that they would be heartbroken if I didn’t marry. I told her that they would be but I couldn’t marry a man. It all fell apart when I told her that I would date girls. She was shocked. Apparently, she thought that I would ignore it and live as a straight girl with different choices. I told her that I couldn’t live without love and she told me to ‘love Allah’. I didn’t know what to say after and we parted ways and cried in our different corners.

I realize now that in the weeks that followed I had grieved. At first, I was depressed and cried easily. It stopped when my friend told me to change the way I thought. If I felt sad, I should ask myself why and then do something about it (wise words). Well, then followed the anger. I was supremely pissed off. ‘Love Allah’?! Yes, I do! But I don’t need to be celibate to prove that and that’s easier said than done. She has her own boyfriend so isn’t that a sin too? Who is she to judge me? She reads a lot of literature that deals with homosexuality so isn’t she being a hypocrite when she says that I can’t be with someone who I can truly love? She had no idea about all the things I was feeling and thinking.

Slowly, very slowly, I started broaching the subject with her. Sometimes, I’d mention it in passing or make a comment- little things. As time went by, I realized that she was shocked and she needs time to adjust and even though she isn’t all happy about it, if it comes down to it she may be on my side. I’m very careful to not overdo anything. This one time, I had something I needed to tell her but I said that she probably wasn’t ready and she said that I should even if she wasn’t and she listened to me. That really meant a lot. Once I told her about how it took me a month to accept myself, to which she gave me a look and told me to understand that she needed time too- a LOT more time. But I’m really hoping that she will come around eventually.

Thing is, she never initiates such a conversation. I asked her once, if she had any questions. She said no, and I asked why? Wasn’t she curious about anything? To which she said no again. Things are getting better though. I understand that talking about it is one thing but if she sees me with a girl, it will be different. But then again, baby steps. I believe that she’d have accepted me when she would start initiating the difficult conversations about my sexuality, be it serious or humorous in nature.
.

Cancel
  • 51-65_f_f_h1_f3
    Experience

    What was the immediate feeling you felt when you first came out? I wish I had the same kind of courage, I'm very worried I would rock the boat with my mother though. It feels that our relationship is fake for as long as she is unaware of my real self.

    Does it ever feel awkward when you're alone with your sister and the topic of relationships comes up? Does it ever come up or has it become less likely because of what she knows about you? Does religion come up at all or has she never asked about this? When did you decide it was time to tell her and how did it feel as the words were coming out? What was her immediate reaction? How did she treat you the day afterwards? Did you sense any disrespect or a lack of an emotional connection?

    Sorry for bombarding you with all these questions! I am very curious about the process in coming out to family as I have been considering it for years.

    Reply to Butterfly
    This was helpful! Flag
  • 25-34_f_w_h1_f4
    Comment

    Wow, I really admire your courage coming out to a family member. I think sisters tend to be more understanding, I wish I had a sister, I would definitely tell her. The only family I came to is my cats, and they accepted it just fine, no judges at all ! =D

    Also I noticed that you came out in a freakin' smart way, you didn't just throw the bomb and keep on pushing, you are taking it slowly, it's really a good approach.

    Your story is very inspiring, thanks for sharing it. And God bless you and your sister. =)

    Reply to Artemis
    This was helpful! Flag
  • Default-avatar
    Comment

    Hi I had the exact experience be4 like 1 month It felt as if im reading my story over there, my sister is trying hard I know she is to accept me I love her for how she responded but im afraid to tell her that I want to be in a relationship sooner or later.

    Reply to Abdullah
    This was helpful! Flag
  • Default-avatar
    Comment

    I know what im about to type might be silly but coming from a religious family I'm really afraid what im doing is a sin but I keep on telling myself that God made me this way for a reason, im really conflicted, any advice? I love myself and I accept who I am but because of what we go through ts hard so if anyone can help plz do so

    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Advice

      Of course it's not silly. We've been told from the very beginning that homosexuality is a sin and it's in the Quran, but really there isn't anything definite in there that says so and as for the story of Lut, it's about the interpretation. Homosexuality is barely discussed. But you know what is really mentioned throughout the Quran? Being a good person, a good Muslim and doing good deeds. That's what counts. As far as I know, I was made this way and this was never a choice. I don't believe God will want us to remain miserable by suppressing what comes naturally to us to prove our love for Him. It just doesn't make sense. That said, you're more than just a homosexual. That's just a part of who you are and there's so much more to you! Try and build other aspects of your life, strive to be happy, someone you'd be proud of. Be strong and remember, being a homosexual is difficult but hardships come in many forms so if you were straight you would have other hardships, but the problems will always be there and the best we can do is deal with them, be positive and aim to bring positive changes in our lives and not let our problems bring us down.

      This was helpful! Flag
    • Default-avatar
      Comment

      Thank you so much Edel

      This was helpful! Flag
    • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
      Comment

      Anytime, Abdullah! We're here for you

      This was helpful! Flag
    This was helpful! Flag
  • 12-16_f_w_h2_f2
    Comment

    I feel you honey, when I came out to one of my cousins she took it very hard, and I spent a lot of time trying to convince her that the fact that I'm a Muslim lesbo isn't completely wrong, you just have to give it some time. Good luck ❤

    Reply to deejay
    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Experience

    I think I was in a bit of a shock. But the overall feeling was relief. Even after things went bad I didn't regret it. Not once.

    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    That's not true. You are homosexual but you are also you. And your mother knows you. That's how it is with me anyways. She doesn't know about the gay part but that doesn't mean that your relationship is a lie. If you think about it, everyone has secrets and she probably has some secrets from you too.

    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Experience

    In the beginning it did. If someone brought marriage or boyfriends up I could feel her getting uncomfortable. Same went for other small things. If I mentioned anything gay she would get slightly uncomfortable, though she'd try to hide it.

    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Experience

    Now that you mention it, it has become less likely. I am the one who brings it up mostly. But that's because I need her to get used to the idea. In the first few weeks, I avoided the topic. I tried bringing it up but she didn't want to hear it (she never said that, but I knew). I decided I wasn't going to mention it ever. And she pretended like nothing had happened. Later on, I would very tentatively broach the subject and with time she started getting used to it and it's not so difficult now.

    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    In the first few weeks, there were times when she'd give off 'you are blasphemous' vibes. I didn't let that effect me. Much, anyways. One day, I finally broached the topic (yep, it's always me) of religion. I asked her how could she expect me to be celibate? To live without love? She was in love with someone and religion didn't stop her so how can she enforce that upon me? She said that at the time I had told her she was wrong and all as well. I told her that I was a judgmental a--hole but that was before and I have changed. I know better now. She needs time. Till then, it's a topic better left untouched.

    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Experience

    I'll answer those questions in one comment :D Lets see...

    I decided when I realized that whenever we'd talk I would always get this inexplicable urge to just come out to her. The feeling wouldn't go away so I thought it was time. I was terrified. Before sending off that email, I was predicting doom and even had a plan to leave the country ready, just in case things got really bad. But as I told her, I felt very relieved that I could finally say it out loud to someone who knew me so well. That I could explain what happened to me in the past to someone who was there when it happened.

    Her immediate reaction was surprised but not shocked (or offended or anything of the sort). She wanted me to relax and not be so scared.

    After that, yes. Not disrespect but a lack of emotional connection, yes. That was to be expected. She had to distance herself a bit to get over the initial feeling of world slightly turning the wrong way. I understand. It's better now. Thank God.

    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    It's OK! I'm glad I can answer your questions. If you really feel you need to and you believe that the family you come out to is willing to protect you and at the very least tolerate you, then it might just be worth it. But it's a big, BIG decision- as you know. And you have to be prepared for change.

    This was helpful! Flag
  • 17-24_m_w_h3_f1
    Advice

    When you decide to come out, Vicci! Come out to one of your sisters at the beginning! One of them might have the same tendencies, and you might help her to come out to herself! Post all the experiences here if anything happened! Let it be a real and big sharing experience Ahwaa!

    Reply to Amadeus
    This was helpful! Flag
  • 35-50_f_w_h3_f4
    Experience

    I kind of understand where she's coming from. With her sisters this much older than her it makes it less likely for them to be accepting. This is just my experience. I'm sure if Vicci brings up the subject of homosexuality in passing they might not be too happy, that's when you see a red flag and in such a situation you can avoid coming out.

    Reply to Joon
    This was helpful! Flag
  • 51-65_f_f_h1_f3
    Experience

    It's the same feeling I had when I attempted to come out to my mother. Reality never fails to bite us in the ass. I wish it was different but there's no way around it.

    Reply to Butterfly
    This was helpful! Flag

Hall of Fame