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I'm sad

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I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe I like the drama, that somewhere deep down inside I feel the need to sabotage every peice of safe haven I have.

This is either just all in my head or I am slowly 'realizing' that I'm lesbian. Or becoming one.

I feel so turned off by straight sex now.i want the intimacy and the connection but I'm aversed by intercourse. And not having intercourse is not an option for hubby. And I don't know if this is just some odd side effect of the antidepressant I'm on.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love him, I want him. I can't live without him. But I feel so discouraged after second base. And I can't believe I'm saying this because I used to love it.

Since I came out as bisexual, my whole world has been turning upside down. I keep thinking of women all the time, I'm almost sick of thinking entirely. I find some men attractive including my husband but not the sex act. I feel I'd rather much make love like lesbians do.

He doesn't deserve this. And I don't deserve him. I have fantasies of leaving him sometimes for no reason.something inside of me must want to shake the security and safety that I'm surrounded with. I wish I would stop but I won't listen...

I can't live without her but I don't know to do with my desires. It doesn't help that he has a low sex drive to begin with.. .

Sexuality is so confusing. I hate this. I don't know what I want. Why do I have to screw things up when things are finally going well for me.

I'm gonna go cry to sleep and hope he doesn't notice. .

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  • am sorry for you my friend..

    Reply to hema_هيما
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  • that's the Bi life.. everyone thought that Bi are greedy people who looking for sex with every gender .. but your struggling is the real Bi life ..am sorry again for your suffer .. just :\ you are not alone in such struggling , i guess every Bi is

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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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    Thanks Hema. I just wish I processed and experienced all this before I got married. Why do these thoughts have to come up now.. I was happy! I hope this is just the antidepressant playing games with me cuz this isn't fun...I'm sorry im being emotional, i've been struggling with this for almost a year now.

    Sometimes I think I should try making out with a girl and see if that's what I'm missing, buy I'd rather die than cheat. I'm not sure if my libido is just shot or I really just don't like straight sex anymore. Drama drama drama.

    Reply to Cuddles
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  • This should be a lesson to any "Bi" or "Lesbian" lady out here that when she KNOWS that she is attracted to females from even a young age, to not get seriously involved with men in a permanent way because its unfair for them more than it is to herself.

    You probably got married cuz its the normal thing to do in our society and even if you were fully lesbian or Bi, it shouldn't be that hard to have sex with a male especially as you mentioned before you knew him for long time and admire him so much but that never meant that you were fully straight with an unstoppable devotion to your relation with him. Now good luck, I suppose, but just know that you should have thought this thru more from the start, all you can do now is really try to distract yourself from your thoughts a little and find more things to do with your husband together.

    Reply to Delusions
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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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    A lot of things that helped me suppress these thoughts have changed now. For example, i am no longer muslim, and i no longer live with my parents and am a bit independent. Before I married, i didnt consider myself bisexual, so this was an innocent accident. I was boy crazy as a teen and had multiple boyfriends, and aside from the occasional fantasies and girl crushes,i considered myself pretty straight. I think the lesson here is: dont get into a serious relationship at such a young age before you mature. I never foresaw myself becoming increasingly attracted to women more than before, after marriage. Its still possible that straight sex is no longer working for me simply due to the side effects of the antidepressant im on which lowers libido, and i need something more 'foreign' to arouse me, like lesbian sex. Its a theory but im still not sure,because i still obsessed over women before i took the drug, but at that time i still liked straight sex.

    One thing that bothers me is that straight people don't repeatedly wonder if they are bi or gay. But i am.

    The idea of being with a woman in an LTR scares me. I feel like it wouldnt be fulfilling,but i feel the same about men. Maybe if i wasnt in love with hubby then i'd be able to think more clearly about that.

    • Yeah, I definitely think that you should get cut off your antidepressants..so much confusion for nothing, you're clearly not a devoted lesbian nor even bi at all, you need some motivation and more sex drive in your marriage thats all..or just take a xanax.

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      haha i can only take xanax for when i get panic attacks, but the anti-depressant helps me with my chronic anxiety. I used to get panic attacks a lot.

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      The thing is, Delusions, is that I don't know if I am a 'devoted' lesbian because I never had the chance to try. I had feelings for my best friend when I was younger but I never acted on them, except for the one time we kissed experimentally.

      If I'm straight then why am I constantly thinking about being between a woman's legs and making her moan and scream and ache in pleasure as I devour her body? If it's just that I'm sex deprived, then why aren't I fantasizing about receiving pleasure from a woman (or a man in any case)? I mean, sure I'd like that lol but It's not my focus. I keep thinking about how I want to take care of a woman, and make her feel cherished, loved and desired. I see an attractive women and I immediately conjure images of what it'd be like to be pressed against her and feel her body.

      This has been going on for months, even before I was on medication. Last year, I was obsessed about boobs and making out with a woman..never gave oral much thought until later on. I also fantasize about women when I masturbate, and now lately even when im with my husband . So excuse me, if this is very confusing and that bisexuals don't appeal to you, but im going through something very stressful and real. If somehow I really am gay, although im not sure, it would sure explain why I never enjoyed sex with any guy before except with my hubby (because he actually makes me feel secure, and I'm more emotionally involved with him than previous boyfriends).

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      And even though I enjoy(ed) sex with my hubby, I was rarely satisfied.

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      So now all I can do is wait till I can get off my medication after I graduate (because the anxiety has ruined my grades) university, after two years . In the meanwhile, Rabina Yostor.

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    • 51-65_m_f_h1_f4
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      Rabina Yoster

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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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    Hey guys! I finally had the opportunity confide in my husband and spit it out, and he was angelically understanding and so loving about it! I couldn't avoid it really, he caught me crying..and i can't hide anything from him when im crying. Plus, he pinned me down playfully so i wouldnt move and told me im not going anywhere till I tell him what's wrong, with a smile on his face .

    I wouldn't say , so he immediately play-guessed "You're a lesbian?" and my eyes widened and I started laughing hysterically and didn't answer till our eyes met and I said "I dunno, maybe". And he was just smiling and so cool about it , and he wasn't hurt at all. then I told him later on about how I'm not muslim anymore and he took that very well , too.

    Today must be my lucky day! Because if you knew how he talks about other gay people and non-muslims, you'd be shocked he reacted this way with me. I'm blessed with the most amazing person ever . I still can't believe it. I'm shocked. I had to keep asking him for reassurance because I didn't believe how cool he was. He even said I could have a GF if I want (wtf? ), just no dudes. Wow, he really must love me, or he's been cheating on me and wants to give back LOL.

    Reply to Cuddles
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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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    He wants in on some of the GF action though lmao.

    • 17-24_f_f_h3_f3
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      haha seeee! told you, they always want action with the 2 ladys

      P.S.: glad you feeling better about everything now

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    • the more important than "action" Delusions that he understood now that's not a crash or just a fantasy , he understood now her real feelings... i guess

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      Yeah he said that he kinda saw it coming, and I was actually shocked, cuz I didnt! lol. He said because I keep talking about how hot this or that woman is, the shows i watch, the way i act sometimes..etc. So it wasn't really that much of a surprise to him. Thanks, Delusions and Hema

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      the fact that I only use wallpapers of my latest female celebrity on my laptop, only paint/sketch women, stare and check out women when we're out (lol i know), the way we both catch ourselves saying 'nice ass' or gasping at a hot woman on tv or in the street at the exact same time. the fact that i dont look at men when im out, and he knows of the childhood turn ons i got from female cartoon characters..etc.

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      sure i dated guys exclusively all my life, but i was also sexually abused when i was a kid, and could have just been re-enacting my abuse (by dating douches that used me). Or...I'm attracted to women because of the negative association of straight sex and men to my sexual abuse. Either way, i still and will always love women! they're just dang beautiful and when i look at men, i think bleh. no offense lol. just not appealing to me at all.

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      not that all men are unappealing, of course! im just not attracted. it's rare for me to be physically attracted to a man. RARE. I have to love the person first. so i'm a hetero-rmantic lesbian!

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    • WoooW cuten.. that's a lot of progress in one day .. am so happy for you .. you are lovely and have a perfect partner .. lucky you :P (masha2 allah)

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    • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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      Thank you ^^ .al hamdulilah

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    Anonymous
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    iam 1st happy for ur comfortation to ur husband but there is 1 point that irritates me "ur husband wants on the action" u do realize that if u get a gf she is just ur gf and is not property of u and ur family she is an individual human and who told u she will agree on involving in any action with him? i know this is only ur husband opinion because all men think with dick before brain but the real problem is if u had agreed with him on sharing a gf that i will call a sex problem u ned to see a sex therapist for and not a gay problem at all

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    Anonymous
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    iam 1st happy for ur comfortation to ur husband but there is 1 point that irritates me "ur husband wants on the action" u do realize that if u get a gf she is just ur gf and is not property of u and ur family she is an individual human and who told u she will agree on involving in any action with him? i know this is only ur husband opinion because all men think with dick before brain but the real problem is if u had agreed with him on sharing a gf that i will call a sex problem u ned to see a sex therapist for and not a gay problem at all

    Reply to Anonymous
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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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    he doesn't like doing a whole lot of things lol. like i said, he has low libido.

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  • @YOYO1000 watch your mouth man .. you are talking with a lady here .. damn

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  • 51-65_m_f_h1_f4
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    HEMA.....R U GOING TO TEACH ME??SHE IS ONE OF MY BEST FRIEND..I LIKE HER AND HER HUSBAND SO MUCH ..I WANT HAPPINESS 4 HER ......PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.....DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN WITH ME.....SHE UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN....THANKS

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  • 51-65_m_f_h1_f4
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    MY LOVELY FRIEND CutenFun89........... WHAT U MEAN BY he has low libido.....SO SORRY I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS LIBIDO??

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  • man try to be classy and choose your words ,

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  • 51-65_m_f_h1_f4
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    HEMA........PLEASE FORGET ME.......SHE UNDERSTAND ME ........READ HER WORDS AND U WILL UNDERSTAND
    (If I'm straight then why am I constantly thinking about being between a woman's legs and making her moan and scream and ache in pleasure as I devour her body? If it's just that I'm sex deprived, then why aren't I fantasizing about receiving pleasure from a woman (or a man in any case)
    SHE IS AN OPEN MIND MORE THAN UUUUUUUUUUUU HEMA

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  • man ,, it's about choosing words .. not about being opened or closed mind

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  • 51-65_m_f_h1_f4
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    R U POLICE WORDS?????????????????

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  • .. have a life man... have a life

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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f3
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    YOYO, I appreciate your support and kind words, but hema is right, you did say some vulgar stuff, but I'm not offended because I don't think you meant it in a dirty way.

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  • 51-65_m_f_h1_f4
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    YES I DO NOT MEAN ANY DIRTY WORDS......U R MY FRIEND

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