I have been looking, watching over myself for a long time.
I love sex. I love the intensity of feeling it gives me. I just love. I cant wait to have it.
When I was young...unfortunately I was introduced to porn. I clearly remember I wanted the guy so much.
Being young there were so many sign..... no erection with women. I used to fantasize about men...get myself easily erected and was just used to think pushing it in the vagina....After all that was sex to me....that was what the relationship between a boy a and a girl.
But I was deeply guilty of doing them. I didnt know why. I was depressed like anything. i thought I was sick. And I needed to change...but I also thought i was normal too! I have a penis...it can go in the pussy....it can orgasm...thats just sex!
But no there was more to it......craving of a male......being male...still craving a male.
I thought I was bi. I am not disgusted by girls at all! Why should i be??? Its normal after all...but that did not change my liking towards guys...Yet i felt bad...I never really wanted to persue with women...just some crushes because i thought I needed to have them..all made of infatuation u can so...causing too much energy to be used.
With a guy? Its easy as shit! Its wonderful...Yallah men...you are so dam hot...I want to lick all all over you body....I want to see you moan in pleasure....ye are such beautiful creatures....I praise the Lord...Allah(swt) who made.....gay, straight, bi whatever. Must I remind you everyday that you are beautiful, I will!
Women....you are kind gentle and pretty...i can admire....your ability to reproduce....90% of men are after you....do you know how lucky you are? Yet I do not want to have sex with you...even if i do cannot get rid of my guilt, shame and inner cry, a sense of violation with in me.
So today I wrote a letter to my habibi..whom I love dearly, with whom i argue and i love every bit of it...after ever quarrel to whole I say....."Habibi I love you" and when he says "Habibi I love you too....nothing makes my day so happy"
My habibi, might be in trouble in the future....he might loose his lofe if he does not marry. For me I thought this marriage was just a cover, but when he talked about cosumation......it boiled my blood!
NO...I said...I CANNOT TOLERATE THIS. CAN YOU?
He explained, its just an act....(what a disgrace to the women)....He would be in trouble...I under stood. But I insisted...I didnt wanna call him bi....even though he said he was...but I knew he wasnt...I am willing to admit more truth about him than he will even admit to himself. I still love him. His imperfection is perfection. he is sweet...my partner, my lover, my habibi. My other half. whose criticism I care about.. I will never take him for granted. He is my precious.
And so I wrote to him,
Dont think I dont know what you are capable of....irrespective of who you are...I know can still sleep with a women....I can too....but you know why I dont? because I am ashamed of those acts....previously I masturbated to those just to see whether I liked them or not...i didnt care of my orientation but I felt guilty as hell...but now after everything......I am ashamed to commit them bcs you know why? Bcs of my nature....bcs of you...even I am ashamed to have those thoughts bcs they drag me to my dark past.
Habibi, you are the only one for me. I can never tolerate you being with anyone....love and desire is only for you. No one has any right over nor should you give it to anyone. I do not care if you are married to save your ass...but your consummation is not tolerable...even the intention behind it....It makes me sad....hy should it be that way? is what the prophet practiced? Just shoved the stick? Didnt have the love and desire and not be ashamed of it?
And it is odd but you have made me much more manlier that I was ever previously was. .