I go by Malik to those close to me, (and a couple of other pseudonyms), and I am biologically female. I have spent my entire life feeling out of place, but usually attributed it to my alternative taste in almost everything, that made made me quite a loner. About three years ago, I fell in love with a woman, and we dated since, till about a month ago, but this post isn't about her. It's about me realizing i crave woman in that way, (which in retrospect, explained a shit-ton of my previous over-attachment to friends in school etc) , and at the same time, being diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, which in short means that I do not identify with my biological, identified gender, or refuse to conform to heteronormativity or gender roles.
For a while, as the missus was very accepting of this fact, albeit a bit irked by it, it was fine. I cut my heart short (I had always wanted to, but being officially diagnosed gave me a bit of confidence and a bit of an excuse to my mother, who knows I was diagnosed but does not know I am into women (I would say I am more pansexual, to be honest, I fall in love with people, not gender.) ) and I started binding my chest (holding down my breasts in order to appear flat) and dressing more manly, aka, more comfortably my own style. I found myself very easily and grew very confident.
Thing is, this is 98% of the time. In the other two percent, sometimes when the occasion arises, I could very well like to dress up like never before, with full makeup and cute short dresses. I basically alternate between being a pre-pubescent boy and a vixen, there is no in between.
It's true what they say, that when you're in a relationship, you sort of let yourself go, because when it ended, I found myself stuck in this limbo of not being either gender, and have collectively become unappealing to either gender.
I guess, my question here, is : Do you think I can hope to find someone to accept me the way I am? alternating between two genders as I am?? I seem to think my only hope is a bisexual/pansexual man, whom will accept either part of me (and because I can't deal with straight macho men. and I am more attracted to men anyway.)
Sorry for the long rant....