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Help, It's complicated!

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I don't know where to begin! I met this girl 2 years ago and immediately developed an intense crush on her. A couple of months after I first saw her I asked her to go grab coffee, and she accepted. It went really bad because I was very nervous, for many reasons: I am 12 years older than her, I don't think she initially realized I'm that much older because I have a baby face. I live mostly abroad and go to my home country - where she lives - on random visits. I am also currently in a long term relationship.

I didn't know if she was gay, and she had no reason to know about me, not that I know of at least. But I had a strong feeling that she was. During those couple of hours we chatted about a lot of things, and she brought up gay topics at least a couple of times, to test me I think and to see how I would react to that. We texted a lot the next couple of days, and then she added me on Facebook. That's when she kind of disappeared. Some of the posts on her Facebook page seem to indicate that she's gay. Soon after that, she would delay responding to my messages, but she was always nice. I had the feeling thought that she didn't seem interested anymore. Not sure what the reason was, but my guess is that she realized that I'm much older than her.

So now, 2 years later, and I still can't seem to get over her. But I know that this is going nowhere. What should I do? How can I move on?

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  • 17-24_f_w_h1_f1
    Comment

    Do you feel comfortable developing this crush while being in a relationship with someone else? Does your partner know about this crush ... ?

    • 35-50_f_w_h1_f3
      Comment

      No I don't feel comfortable. I feel very guilty. It's something that developed and I couldn't help it. I never wanted this to happen and I tried not to contact her for 2 months. But eventually I realized that I had to see her and understand why I am feeling so strongly about her. I am 45 years old, so this is not a game or an entertainment, this is real. But I am trying to do the right thing for my partner and move on.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f2
    Advice

    Wow, this is tough! 2 years already? What makes you so drawn to this person? In my opinion, the best thing you can do is try and forget her by any means possible. Hide her posts on Facebook, limit your communication with her, don't view her photos and updates all the time, try to focus on your current relationship and just know that it's okay to fantasize about others every once in a while, just as long as you don't act upon it. Your partner really trusts you and this would betray everything you have built together. It's normal also to feel as if your relationship is too full of "routines," maybe try to do new things, try to get busy with other interests, and try to get used to a life without her. This was the only way I could get over my crush, and of course every other year I open her Facebook page and go through all her images and wonder how we could have been if we were together, but that's all in my fantasies/imagination, and I got over it by accepting this person would never be with me. I recommend you do the same! Make sure you don't do anything you regret ...

    • 17-24_f_f_h2_f2
      Comment

      I agree with Reem ... you should forget about her and focus on your relationship at the end not everyone we have crush on mean we gotta be with them ... and better stop talking to her because you already feel guilty about it and tbh its unfair for your current partner ...

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  • Honey she knows for sure that you are a lesbian. It looks like she is lesbian or bi curious and she went out with you then she got cold feet and now she doesn't know what she wants, she is wasting your time. My advice to you is to run away from her and give all your attention to your partner. Don't feel guilty, we all feel temptations and it's good to know when something is a total waste of your time.

    Reply to yasmin2000
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  • 35-50_f_w_h1_f3
    Comment

    I wish it's that easy. I'm very good friends with her brother who lives in the same city where I live, so it's not just about her pictures and news on Facebook. I'll try to avoid hearing her news and keep some distance you're all right about that. Thanks for the advice.

    Reply to AlleyCat
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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Advice

    This isn't about the girl at all, I hope you realize. It's about you. You've developed an intense infatuation and you need to look within yourself to understand why. Reem is right. You need to toughen up and go completely no-contact with her. Talk to your partner, break up with her if you feel your relationship isn't working, plus it's not fair on your partner to have someone who is emotionally cheating on her. Go into therapy if you can and focus on yourself and work on your relationship with the one who loves you, or leave if you are not in love with her anymore.

    Reply to Edel
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