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Hello everyone (and for those who fast: Ramadan mubarak!). Well, I have to say..this is quite difficult for me...signing myself up and posting this topic. Especially when I had to pick out the "sexuality" on my profile. I hesitated between lesbian and bi and eventually I picked out bi. There's a reason for that..well I think..I guess :S I always was attracted to girls..at a very very early age. Some of you might not believe me, but I had a huuuuge crush on my teacher (female) at kindergarden; I was only four years or so. I also was a tomboy, but I grew out of that.

At the age of six or so I pierced my ears to wear earrings and I let my hair grow etc etc. During those years I found myself in and out of love with girls, women etc. But, I also had a few crushes on boys. That's why I choose bi. During thos years I always felt different and alone. Even my mother worried I would turn out to be gay; she even took me to a docter (because I wouldn't wear skirts only pants). Now, I'm 26 years old. I have never had a relationship (nor guy or girl). Not even on internet or phone. I find myself getting loonier and loonier.

Islam is the centre of my life..so I'm very confused as to what I am and if I'm gay; does that mean that hell is my ending? I always follow the "rules" in Islam..has God created me like this for a reason? I have searched on internet to find rolemodels, you know..the kind that are good muslims and have found a way to life a happy life and somehow could resist the "feelings" towards the same sexe. I do resist the feelings I have...but as I grow older..the feelings tend to go stronger. Nobody knows this about me: I have the reputation of the good muslim daughter/ friend etc etc. So Ahwaa you're the first to know...only last year I accepted who I am (within myself), but coming out would be suicide. My family is very strict and very religious. Though deep inside I know that they know that I'm gay...only the pictures of the past (me being a tomboy) is enough proof for them. My intention on ahwaa is to release this burden I have...and coming out to you! I hope through ahwaa to get more in touch with myself and learn from your experiences...because I have a lot to deal with..heartaches, hating myself...etc etc. Sooo..I guess this is a start?
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  • It's a start, we all have to go somewhere for support. I battled with whether or not to come out for a very long time. I had such a great relationship with my mother that I felt I could come out without issue. I was made aware of how quickly those relationships and families can change on you based on these findings. When they find out you're gay you'll be treated as either a heretic or a complete stranger or worse, you'll have no relationship with them whatsoever because they'd have abandoned you. Most families stick to you and try to "cure" you with their support.

    My suggestion to you is to speak with more and more communities in your position and being very cautious around your family. It's not good for anybody when they find out, even if it's the truth, and even if you felt like they deserve to know. It's not like they would be all into gay rights in one day just because of you, they'll probably just keep taking you to doctors and making your life very miserable the way many families did, it's a worse punishment and you'll go through most pain instead of just suffering the pain and loneliness of keeping a big secret.

    Most importantly you really have to find someone to connect with and maybe start a relationship with that you can share all of these things around. This is so helpful that I don't even have the words to describe how it changes you as a person.

    You're not alone and many of us are going through this.

    Reply to Butterfly
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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Experience

    I'll write out my journey here (till now) for you and see if you can relate - oh and I've already talked about most of it in other posts, but well. I had this huge crush on a guy that went on for five years. Unrequited and it was horrible. The worst time ever and I didn't know how to get out of it. And then one day, I met this girl and I fell madly in lust with her. Yea I know it wasn't love. I got over the guy just like that- like the five years didn't matter. I recognized my feelings for the girl but I denied them. It was just a phase, I hadn't met the right guy etc. Over the years I'd get a crush on a guy and then I'd get over it easy.

    Then I fell in love with a girl. Very painful because she fell for a guy. But the way we were- it was amazing. Like WOAH. I'd never felt anything like it. My heart was crushed but I was so good at that denial thing I didn't even accept myself then, not when people were asking me why I was so against her having a boyfriend and that I had no right to feel what I was feeling. So I kept telling myself that I STILL hadn't met the right guy and it was just a phase. Haha ya right, Edel.

    A year or so after I met, who is now, one of my closest friends. In the beginning she kept talking about lgbt rights and issues, which got me a bit suspicious. And then I started asking questions about 'boyfriends', partners. Now that friend is really honest and all my direct questions were avoided. So I asked questions where the gender wasn't specified or was just really general. Those got answered. I was so sure then - she was gay. I guess I was also sure because I was looking for it. One more thing, by then I had realized my feelings for the last girl I had fallen for. I recognized it as 'falling in love', like a guy would with a girl. I'm so stubborn by nature, that even after realizing that I thought that if I met the right guy I could still be with him, that I fell for her because of who she was.

    Well, after knowing for sure that my friend was gay, I wanted her to be out to me. I knew she did. But I didn't think it was going to happen, so I came out to her - inhibitions aside - and she came out to me. Now having someone who was like me helped me really, like really, come out to myself, accept that I was gay and there was no right guy for me. Just the right girl - and I can't wait to meet her.

    It was a process. I asked my friend how to be sure, because hey I've had crushes on guys. She said that the attraction should be emotional as well as physical. And I thought about it, and finally saw that those guys, I was attracted to certain parts of their personality and the reason why I got over them so easily because I was never in love with them. If I had to compare the impact of the guy crushes to the girl ones, guys lasted a few hours but the girls- years.Now that I think about it, I've been gay since I was a child. I always knew there was something different about me, just didn't have the courage to accept it.

    (Wow, my lengthiest post here and I'm not done yet) From what I've read, you sound gay to me. Not bi, but I don't know the whole deal so you're the best judge. I feel like you've selected bi because you're hoping that you may still be able to be with a guy. Well, whatever the case, you have to accept who you are. Your relation with your Lord is between you and him. No one gets to decide what your fate is going to be. Just make sure you're a good Muslim and a good person because that's what matters. Be true to yourself. Lying to yourself has only made you miserable, so why continue?

    Reply to Edel
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    Anonymous
    Comment

    Arrows, man you like looooooong stories. I had to get up three times to take a break! Duuude! Oh btw, I'm the anonymous who posted that sad video, don't get me confused with anonymous. Wait, I'm anonymous, who's anonymous? She is! And I am! Wait, what? Sorry 'bout that, feeling schizophrenic. I'm just joking with you, don't get angry (rememer: it's ramadan) :) Listen gorgeous, as everyone is sharing their story with you, well, I'm not :P Now, give me a second to be serious here. Btw, I had to search the whole site to find that link. Man, you could've mentioned it was posted on your topic! O.K. I blurted out my thoughts, we're cool now. Friends? Now, I can be serious. I think you are a white pearl. Clean and pure! I'm a guy and if I say myself, I've got the looks. I've been with different women in my life. Tall, short, dark, light, whatever! Lust, hot passion, physical attraction, I experienced everything. But, let me tell you that I've always felt dirty, wrong and alone. Yet, I couldn't stop or help myself. Hey, I'm a guy (that's what most of us "guys" say to feel less guilty). You've never let yourself be drowned in this sea of sins. You shouldn't lose your innocence, because it's precious! That's all I have to say gorgeous! I can't wait to eat!!!

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    I love how this conversation went from self-discovery to chips :D

    Reply to Edel
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    Anonymous
    Comment

    Me too :D

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  • 17-24_m_w_h1_f4
    Advice

    that sounds exactly like me as a child! I distinctly remember having a crush on my female kinder-garden teacher when I was about 4 or 5. During my coming out process, I first identified as bisexual but then slowly realized I'm exclusively gay. It's a process, but at the end, you'll understand yourself better and you'll get more comfortable with how you identify yourself. Heck, you don't even need to identify yourself as anything. A lot of people find labels confusing and restricting. Sexuality is very fluid. Just be comfortable with who you are and everything else will work out on its own. :)

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  • i dont know if i am helping out or not, but the sound of your problem is not really that a big of a deal. you are alone because you choose to be alone. you dont want to take risk meeting people and mingle with them. You show an early spurt of sexual maturity which is 4 years old, but as for me- I am keen on gay life when i am 16 and serious into it when i am 17. wearing skirts or pants does not defines you are a gay or straight. its just a matter of comfortness and mobility. You should ask some guy who live in scotland especially those of high society, the male where skirts (in their terms kilt) until they reach manhood and marries a woman. wearing cloth does not defines you its only differ you from animal and human.

    religion wise, I am a muslim. proud to be one actually. I fast, in ramadan, and other days. I read quran understands it and memorise it. Hadith and sunnah i practise it. I even joined a religious debate a while back, and i even joined a religious differential while I am young. so does being gay making a hypocrite? yes. but do I deny myself about my perverse sexuality, No. I embrace both of my sexuality and my religion.

    my religion is not people to judge but it is for me and god to judge. people can suck ass as they know it. while my sexuality depends. if they say being gay is bad, straight people wage war more than straight guys. raping, molesting and child abuse is more common with heterosexual people then gay people.

    i can go on but it is tiring. there are so much post i want to share my thoughts and noggins.

    until then, au revoir.

    the Road not taken: I just choose the road least travelled by and its all made the difference.

    Reply to MiKa_TheGayAgenda
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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f3
    Advice

    Reading this post and all these comments, makes me wonder why everything has to be soooo damn complicated! Religion is religion...gender is gender....sexuality is sexuality. One does not outdo the other! Just because being born gay; doesn't mean you stop being a Muslim (or any other religion for that matter). You have the freedom to choose what to belief of course. You have the freedom to life your life the way YOU want it. Here's the thing though.....there are people in this world who think they have the right to choose for you and to decide who you are, what you are and how to live. However, you're not responsible for the background and circumstances that may have influenced who you are, but you are responsible for who you become! I always say: "you just worry about getting yourself to heaven and I'll worry about me". Who are you to decide whether or not I'm a good Muslim? oO because you're straight you think you're a better Muslim than I am? Just you judging me is a sin itself; THINK ABOUT THAT! Believe is more important than following rules in a religion. If you don't believe, than there's no point in rules. The first thing Islam has brought was knowledge! Through knowledge came believe. Then believe grew into hope and hope grew into power. Power emerged into strength. Strength made FREEDOM! FREEDOM people, FREEDOM! Being a good Muslim is not based on people's opinions about you, but it's what you feel in your own heart. First lesson: People don't have the right to tell you if you're a good Muslim or a bad Muslim. Only God is the Judge on earth and in the hereafter. Your reputation (as you've stated in your post) as a good Muslim/daughter etc is based on their opinion of you. Stop living your life by pleasing other or just by keeping your "reputation" high. Believe me, everyone dies alone...so what's the point in living your life for others. Live it for yourself. So, I really do understand your point of view. I don't know whether or not you choose to be alone (I personally believe that no-one chooses to be alone), but I understand your dilemma. Let me first tell you, that you were born this way. So stop blaming yourself or others. Be the best person you can be, be the best Muslim you can be and all that by fully accepting who you are. The way you were created. Stop fighting against it; it's a war you cannot win. Treat others the same way you want to be treated. So, respect yourself...embrace yourself...love yourself...take care of yourself. There's only one of you in this earth; unique face, unique soul, unique mind and with a unique heart! I don't know if you're still with us on Ahwaa, but I hope that you know: you deserve to live a life that makes you happy! Forget the reputation...the only reputation that is important is what you give to this world. Are you a giver or a taker? There are no other reputations! You're great and you have the right to be great :D And another thing....just because you were born gay doesn't mean you were born for hell! So, to answer your question: your ending (hell or heaven) doesn't depend on your sexuality, but it depends on the knowledge, believe, hope, power, strength and freedom. The way you used these tools to life your life! In the end God is to judge our ending....not human beings. And lighten up will ya..life's too short to live it as a downer!!! To quote my good friend Natalie Wood: I feeel preettttyyyy oh soooo pretttyyyyy..I feel pretty and wittyyy and gaaaayyyy and I pitty anyone who isn't me TODAAAAYYYY!!! Lalalalallalala lalala. (◕‿-)

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    Yea that really helps. I mean, if I could I'd tell everyone I could, but I can't. It's like I'm closeted out of necessity, not will or shame.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f4
    Comment

    Hahahahaahaha. At one point, I started rapping the first portion of your post!

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  • 17-24_f_w_h2_f1
    Comment

    That's not true at all. Being gay and Muslim does NOT mean that you have to live a miserable life. And there are people who will accept you, there are people who do, like here on Ahwaa - even if you don't know us personally.

    I'm a family person too and I can't live without them either, and I know that my future with them is so uncertain, that there is a big chance that I will lose them, but I don't let that bring me down. I have them with me now and I will work on keeping them in my life for as long as possible. I accept that they will not accept me or my lifestyle (not that I'll let them find out if I can help it) and that they'll probably disown me... Sadly, it's just the way things are. But on the other hand, I hope that one day I'll meet the one for me and we'll be very happy. She'll be my family and regardless of how things would be with my parents, I'll be happy.

    What I'm trying to say is, if one thing goes bad doesn't mean everything will. You'll be fine.

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    Anonymous
    Advice

    Assalaam aleikoum wa rahmatuallah wa barakatuh Arrows,

    The common concept for Muslim homosexuals is to commit suicide since they can't be punished for being homosexuals in a non-Islamic state, but two wrongs don't make one right. While homosexuality is wrong, it doesn't justify suicide under any conditions or circumstances. Please know that if you ever commit suicide, you would have seriously misunderstood Islam and its spirit. If you were ever involved in sexual homosexual acts in the past, you should truly and sincerely repent to Allah, The Merciful, The Gracious, and pledge to Him never to get involved in any homosexual acts anymore. Please note that there is a difference to actually being involved in a homosexual act -which is a sin - from having sexual feelings that you try to control, that you don't express in public, which is not sinful if you try to control them. If medical or psychological counseling helps, then get it, but know that Allah is The Curer, and the Qur'an is your best companion. Give charity, pray, make dua', and Allah will not leave you alone. You have got to believe in the infinite amount of Mercy Allah provides to His servants, and you should also realize that He forgives, if He wishes, all types of sins, except the sin of disbelieving in Him.

    What is sinful in homosexuality is the actual sexual act between the couple of a similar sex. if you transform your desires into a struggle and a challenge to overcome it and not physically commit it, then insha'Allah, you will get the reward for it.

    Don't lose hope! Fear Allah (S.W.T), ask Him for help earnestly, never give up, and do something to get rid of even the idea of homosexuality. Try to avoid all of the circumstances that trigger your homosexual feelings: don't get alone with an attractive woman, always be in the company of others, don't get involved in deep / personal discussions with any person that you may think will trigger your homosexual feeling. Stay away from any other people who have similar feelings. Don't even think in such an idea of this subject, keep yourself busy in different useful thing, and stay away of anything that remind you of homosexuality. Keep a POSITIVE thinking in your mind and keep saying to yourself that you can do something about it. Don't ever say I can't. Remember with every step you are taking toward getting rid of this habit you are getting help and reward from Allah (S.W.T) and you are annoying the shaytan.

    Also for many Homosexual Muslims the concept of getting married is unappealing. Having this feeling should not prevent you from considering to get married in the future. You will discover that marriage is more than simply fulfilling your sexual needs... Your husband will insha'Allah bring you peace, tranquility, joy, security, and many other feelings that every human being needs, irrelevant of their "sexual partners". Also, while Muslims are not allowed to lie, you should keep this feeling to yourself and not share it with him or your parents for many reasons... Be patient and make it a lifelong struggle for yourself... You will see how rewarding it is at the end... Remember, there is in this world many compulsive gamblers, alcoholics, adulterers, thieves, but many of them control it and refrain from doing it... If they aren't Muslims and have the will to do it, you are a Muslim and you have Allah on your side when you seek His Help. There is no way you will fail insha'Allah...

    Reply to Anonymous
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    Anonymous
    Advice

    Assalaam aleikoum wa rahmatuallah wa barakatuh Arrows,

    The common concept for Muslim homosexuals is to commit suicide since they can't be punished for being homosexuals in a non-Islamic state, but two wrongs don't make one right. While homosexuality is wrong, it doesn't justify suicide under any conditions or circumstances. Please know that if you ever commit suicide, you would have seriously misunderstood Islam and its spirit. If you were ever involved in sexual homosexual acts in the past, you should truly and sincerely repent to Allah, The Merciful, The Gracious, and pledge to Him never to get involved in any homosexual acts anymore. Please note that there is a difference to actually being involved in a homosexual act -which is a sin - from having sexual feelings that you try to control, that you don't express in public, which is not sinful if you try to control them. If medical or psychological counseling helps, then get it, but know that Allah is The Curer, and the Qur'an is your best companion. Give charity, pray, make dua', and Allah will not leave you alone. You have got to believe in the infinite amount of Mercy Allah provides to His servants, and you should also realize that He forgives, if He wishes, all types of sins, except the sin of disbelieving in Him.

    What is sinful in homosexuality is the actual sexual act between the couple of a similar sex. if you transform your desires into a struggle and a challenge to overcome it and not physically commit it, then insha'Allah, you will get the reward for it.

    Don't lose hope! Fear Allah (S.W.T), ask Him for help earnestly, never give up, and do something to get rid of even the idea of homosexuality. Try to avoid all of the circumstances that trigger your homosexual feelings: don't get alone with an attractive woman, always be in the company of others, don't get involved in deep / personal discussions with any person that you may think will trigger your homosexual feeling. Stay away from any other people who have similar feelings. Don't even think in such an idea of this subject, keep yourself busy in different useful thing, and stay away of anything that remind you of homosexuality. Keep a POSITIVE thinking in your mind and keep saying to yourself that you can do something about it. Don't ever say I can't. Remember with every step you are taking toward getting rid of this habit you are getting help and reward from Allah (S.W.T) and you are annoying the shaytan.

    Also for many Homosexual Muslims the concept of getting married is unappealing. Having this feeling should not prevent you from considering to get married in the future. You will discover that marriage is more than simply fulfilling your sexual needs... Your husband will insha'Allah bring you peace, tranquility, joy, security, and many other feelings that every human being needs, irrelevant of their "sexual partners". Also, while Muslims are not allowed to lie, you should keep this feeling to yourself and not share it with him or your parents for many reasons... Be patient and make it a lifelong struggle for yourself... You will see how rewarding it is at the end... Remember, there is in this world many compulsive gamblers, alcoholics, adulterers, thieves, but many of them control it and refrain from doing it... If they aren't Muslims and have the will to do it, you are a Muslim and you have Allah on your side when you seek His Help. There is no way you will fail insha'Allah...

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f3
    Comment

    I don't know who you are and I don't know your intentions (whether they're good or bad), but at least give yourself a name and not stay anonymous. And please stop comparing being gay with gambles, alcoholics and drug addicts; we're not related!! Those are choices; being gay is not a choice. So, please...just stop with trying to "cure", cause there's nothing to cure here. Everyone has their own freedom to choose. You have the freedom to advice; just don't insult people who are brothers, sisters, uncles, nieces, cousins etc. We're not just gay; it's a part of who we are. We're soooo much more! So, thank you for your input and hopefully your intentions were pure and good. Maybe we'll meet again when you decide to "put a name on it".

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