Hello everyone (and for those who fast: Ramadan mubarak!). Well, I have to say..this is quite difficult for me...signing myself up and posting this topic. Especially when I had to pick out the "sexuality" on my profile. I hesitated between lesbian and bi and eventually I picked out bi. There's a reason for that..well I think..I guess :S I always was attracted to girls..at a very very early age. Some of you might not believe me, but I had a huuuuge crush on my teacher (female) at kindergarden; I was only four years or so. I also was a tomboy, but I grew out of that.
At the age of six or so I pierced my ears to wear earrings and I let my hair grow etc etc. During those years I found myself in and out of love with girls, women etc. But, I also had a few crushes on boys. That's why I choose bi. During thos years I always felt different and alone. Even my mother worried I would turn out to be gay; she even took me to a docter (because I wouldn't wear skirts only pants). Now, I'm 26 years old. I have never had a relationship (nor guy or girl). Not even on internet or phone. I find myself getting loonier and loonier.
Islam is the centre of my life..so I'm very confused as to what I am and if I'm gay; does that mean that hell is my ending? I always follow the "rules" in Islam..has God created me like this for a reason? I have searched on internet to find rolemodels, you know..the kind that are good muslims and have found a way to life a happy life and somehow could resist the "feelings" towards the same sexe. I do resist the feelings I have...but as I grow older..the feelings tend to go stronger. Nobody knows this about me: I have the reputation of the good muslim daughter/ friend etc etc. So Ahwaa you're the first to know...only last year I accepted who I am (within myself), but coming out would be suicide. My family is very strict and very religious. Though deep inside I know that they know that I'm gay...only the pictures of the past (me being a tomboy) is enough proof for them. My intention on ahwaa is to release this burden I have...and coming out to you! I hope through ahwaa to get more in touch with myself and learn from your experiences...because I have a lot to deal with..heartaches, hating myself...etc etc. Sooo..I guess this is a start?