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Coming in terms with my sexuality

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I realized I had feelings for girls at a very young age. Though it took me a long time to admit that I was gay to myself. There were many gradual steps along the way. And I never tried to stop my feelings but would try to justify them somehow. This, of course, resulted in much confusion and made it harder for me to accept myself.

When I would have a crush or etc, something immediately told me that I shouldn't be doing it, so I always tried to ignore it. I was very good at it that I never consciously wondered if I was a lesbian. I would sometimes get it confused with being eager for close friends and I would believe it. It was just an excuse though.

This went on for a few years until I started becoming more aware of my true feelings, but not fully. Things were starting to make sense to me though. I didn't admit it to myself until I met my girlfriend last year. She helped me figure out who I really was instead of drowning myself in my own excuses. So thanks to her, I finally got to terms with my sexuality. I'm just a much happier person now that I'm honest with myself.

When did you realize/come to terms with your sexuality?

  • 17-24_m_w_h2_f1

    Hello Awk,

    Well, you've inspired me by another question. Yes, a question to your question.

    Were you an open minded person enough to try satisfacation with different sexes before deciding your own orientation?

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  • 17-24_f_f_h3_f1

    Awktopus, my coming out story is remarkably similar to yours. I knew I liked girls from a young age. I remember having fantasies in 3rd, 4th grade about kissing girls on the bus, etc. I didn't realize that some parts of society thought it was wrong, and that those feelings could be considered gay/lesbian until I was a little bit older, and from that point on I was extremely ashamed and did an incredibly good job of never even thinking about it. It's amazing how deeply you can bury something you do not want to, or are not ready to, confront.

    Although I grew up in the US and in a relatively affirming and accepting family, and lived on my own at college for 4 years, it wasn't until I was 22 and met & fell madly in love with a girl who already identified as gay/lesbian that I allowed myself to consider the possibility of being gay. For a long time, I thought that it must have been a childhood phase that I had thankfully grown out of, and my enduring attraction to girls was just out of curiosity.

    I vividly remember the moment that I allowed myself to consider the fact that I might be gay. It was a paradigm shift. It was a part of myself I had refused to explore for so many years that I was now giving myself permission to explore. It didn't matter, at the time, if I was or wasn't gay -- the important thing was the affirmation I felt for myself -- telling myself, it's okay either way; you can explore.

    Since that moment I have felt so much more confident in who I am. I feel like I have accepted myself and all my complications and that has changed me so much for the better. There are still a lot of times I question my sexuality (AM I gay? how do I know for sure?) but what's important is my self-acceptance. I wouldn't give that back for the world.

    Thank you for sharing your story (and for reading mine). It's really affirming to hear others have had similar experiences.

    • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2

      Damn, those last two sentences in the first paragraph felt like I was reading about myself again.

      I really get that part where you mention that you felt so much more confident.. It's such a great feeling when you finally become fully aware of those emotions and go with what feels natural to you. I felt so much happier and mindful of everything.. After all the guilt and anxiety attacks of course, hahaha.

      Thank You for sharing your story too! I find these things very interesting and I'm really glad to hear how well things worked out for you. :)

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    • It was last year in ramadan exactly, i was still in the closet afraid to go out.And than i met a girl who become a very close friend she helped me through this. I was really afraid about the truth! I thought that i was a monster that nobody would accept me that God doesn't care about me anymore because i'm gay!But now, Hamdoulellah i'm really comfortable in my skin and I know that i'm beautiful like everybody. So matter your sexuality,your color skin,your race,your religion...what is matter is what's inside on you your humanity :)

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  • 25-34_f_w_h2_f1

    My story is very close to yours. I have always crushed on girls for as long as i can remember, i even kissed a girl when i was about 9 years old playing "bride and groom". I fell in love with a girl when i was 10 years old and got over it when i was 14. I didn't understand how i felt, i didn't realize it was romantic love as much as i tried to convince myself that this was friendship. Wen i reached High-school some of my friends noticed that i am attracted to girls and they teased me about it, they never bullied me or anything. We are close friends and they never judged me.

    My first year in collage I fell deeply in love with a girl and the feeling was mutual but she freaked out a few months later, we broke up and I was CRUSHED. For some reason I tried to push myself to be Bisexual, I would tell myself "you like this girl now, but when you grow up will marry a man and have a family". I dated some guys but I never had any passionate feelings for them as much as I had for girls.

    By the age of 21 I saw the movie "Loving Annabelle", I saw myself in the main character and i came out to myself as a lesbian. I finally accepted the fact that I was a homosexual and decided to stop pushing myself to be bi.

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  • 25-34_f_w_h3_f4

    I can relate to that

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  • 25-34_f_b_h3_f4

    Still struggling to come to terms with my sexuality, I sometimes take one step forward, and then run a mile back! All my life I grew up with straight people, and so I never had any lesbain friends, I do have gay friends, however we have never really had an open conversation about these things. so my experience has always been a tug of war with myself.

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  • Default-avatar

    If you dont find it necessary, then you absolutely don't have to.

    Reply to Anonymous
  • My first crush was on my gym teacher and at first, I thought it was just admiration for him. I was only 10 so at that age sex wasn't even something I knew a thing about...but I knew I was drawn to men rather than women. I was confused because we're always told that a man and a woman get married and start a family; nothing about a man with another man.

    Years went by, I moved to a different school when I started middle school. Still drawn to men and still confused about "my feelings".

    "When will this phase end and when will I start liking girls like everybody else?"

    At that point, we've been "taught" about homosexuality and how it is a grave sin. Me, being the religious “good kid” I was, I started hating myself. I gave up on the idea of this being a "phase" but more of a "curse".

    "It is God's way of testing you".

    That was always the bullshit answer they gave whenever something doesn't go their way.

    I've only started accepting myself after coming out to my best friend, at the age of 20. Little by little, it all became clear to me.

    Finally, I'm at peace with myself. I know what I am and I'm ok with it. Heck, I'm proud of it. I might be cursed being born in a country where I can be killed for my sexual orientation, but it made me empathetic towards others. Something a lot of people simply do not and WILL not have living in their ignorance. (which you all know, we have a LOT of it in the M.E.)

    It took me more time than it should have, but hey, better late than never. It just shows you how religious indoctrination can mess up with people’s lives.

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  • 17-24_f_w_h3_f2

    I would say that I didn't really try because I never had that interest in being with the opposite sex. I just don't find myself sexually and emotionally attracted to males.

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  • 25-34_f_b_h2_f3

    There you go. It's amazing to experience who you are whether you are a lesbian or not. If there is any shame in being who you are, it is only because of how you are afraid others might see you, it isn't you who is ashamed of herself and you should never feel guilty for that. You have your own relationship with God and with yourself and your family and you have to know that you owe it to no one but yourself to treasure the person you are meticulously without feeling that you have to share it. Sometimes it will be hard when your family discuss a perfect match for you in marriage and you feel that you are a million people just by sitting there and pretending you are not ready for marriage because you're young and a list of other excuses. But in that moment remember that the myth for seeking acceptance and fitting into "little boxes" runs very strong in the Middle East-- and you don't fit in any of those boxes- isn't that awesome? if that is promising to you, then somehow you should enjoy the comfort that it will definitely someday be promising to the other person you have to pretend to be to your family.

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  • 35-50_f_b_h2_f4
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