Hi I just wandered on here for the first time… and I guess I just need some void to shout into with people who may understand…
I’m a very shy guy currently 25 years old. I know I’m not ‘straight’, as I do know that I’m really into men but I’ve never gone so far as to find out more. I’ve repressed this for so long and only had the courage to start accepting it when going for university. Upon arriving I’d come out to close friend and attempted to experiment and date but I’ve always been held back by tradition, culture, religion and family. I’m just never able to take a step forward. But I can’t continue pretending I’m not ok, cause everyone around me is dating and building relationships and I’m just really lonely. Especially as no one close to me really knows.
Meanwhile the pressure my family has been putting on me has been increasing. I’ve only ever followed what my parents have asked of me but it’s been feeling manipulative. Not so much because they tell me what to do but they sort of direct me to the choices they prefer and after doing it so long I just can’t seem to break the cycle of satisfying their wants at my expense. Their expectations feel humongous and are not ones I can fulfill successfully, and when I falter, I never get chance to forget I’ve messed up. Even though they are the ones who have usually added the task on my plate. To top it of I don’t have the healthiest relationship with them because my parents never admit faults, and am always told to forget the past and start a new from this point forwards. However, I can’t seem to forget and we keep arguing….
Before things got this bad I thought they were open to change and attempted to come out. It backfired as they got into a huge argument with me about Sodom and Gomorrah, even though we had never had huge religious debates before… but thankfully they never confirmed wether I was gay or not.
So I put some distanced and attempted to build understanding with aspects of my that are less big then my sexuality, like academics and family relations etc. However, they don’t seem to understand me and it’s always my fault. Cause I’m not preforming up to their expectations. The added stress has caused me to struggle severely socially and academically as I feel cut off from old friends and haven’t socially thriving at university either and been preforming way below my capabilities academically. The pandemic made these worse and I fell into a depression… then my mother came for visit and things had gone down hill since… having been around her for over a month in lockdown in a 1 bedroom knowing I’m gay, had made it difficult to preform any tasks successfully so I fell behind academically but then got sick after she left too which resulted in screwing up the entire academic term…. I hid this fact from my family as I couldn’t face them and then over the summer and discovery of my mess they decided to send my sibling over… at the time I thought it would be for moral support cause I was really out of it but recently I’ve discovered other wise.
I’ve had a decent relationship with my sibling and had come out but this had caused strain and deterioration in our relationship. As my suspecting parents have been using them as a way of keeping tabs on me. As they have been reporting back to them on my performance.
As a result, my sibling has also asked me try to not to date guys, resulting in me canceling my first potential date, not to ever come out and told me that there is basically nothing I can do…. Meanwhile, the hypocrisy is that though straight they have been in a secret relationship that is unapproved and that my mother thinks has ended, for over two years now…
To top it all off, upon arguing with my sibling I’ve discovered that my parents frequent visits, included them snooping through mg belongings and phone when I’m asleep and/or not around.
I’ve tried looking for help professionally but haven’t been able to find anyone who understands the background of someone gay and part of the Arab/Islamic community… I’m feeling constantly judged and stuck and don’t know what to do.