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Transcient Quality of Love in the Gulf
I have an issue to complain about. I have no solution, I don't expect a solution to be suggested.
I live in Dubai, where 80-90% of the population is expatriate [like many other big cities in the GCC, though at lower percentages]. Migrant labor come, stay for a few years for work, then leave. Of course, you always have a few of them who stay here for decades, but they aren't as much as those who stay for 3-6 years.
Because of this percentage, society here tends to feel a bit transcient. Especially for us queers. We begin to internalize this transcient quality, and begin to act on it in our relationships.
"We're only in this relationship while I'm here in Dubai, it'll end if I leave." That's what I've been told by someone I dated a while back. It ended when he left. Then I get into another relationship later on in my life, but this time with an Emirati, and he says something similar, but, "it'll end if I get married." That's where I see something transcient. There's a certainty that it'll end.
I just wish that people would expand their thinking when it comes to relationships rather than limit them in such a way that always puts a dead end to them. Some of us are looking for a serious committed relationship, yes, here in Dubai, here in the GCC.
arabsest
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I wish I had a solution for you, I think this is a problem for all queers, not just those in the Gulf. We're usually not allowed by our societies and our families to marry our loved ones, live in houses together, start families together. So there's a certain "what's the point?" about these kinds of relationships. It's also so exhausting to have to sneak around! No matter how in love you are, that wears you down and splits you apartI don't think it's fair, I don't think it's right, it just is.
There's a certain melancholy poetry about you describing transient relationships in the middle of this transient city... Good luck finding a boy who'll stick by your side in thick and thin.
BlueS
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I think it is something many queers experience, I agree. We can only wait and see until we find someone who'll stick.
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Sign Upkuwaitilove
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As a Kuwaiti I definitely relate to this experience. You have it right on. With me, it's much better when the person is straight forward about this from the start though instead of leading me on, having me believe that it's much more than what it is and then leaving or disappearing. At least this way I get to prepare myself or trying not to fall hard for the person, accepting that it's nothing but a temporary relationship or a fling. Sometimes I get really attached to a person and it's very hurtful when I don't get to take that relationship further because of these dead-ends. That's really unfortunate. I do believe though that one day when a person does fall hard for you it's going to be impossible for any limits to come in between and even if the person does end up leaving, at least there will be a way to figure out the details. It's happened to me before that the person started by saying that he'll leave once he's done with Kuwait and we ended up trying to maintain our relationship once he left because we felt in love, but sadly long distance is just impossible in some cases, even if he was in a neighboring Gulf country and not that hard to visit whenever. It ended just a few months after he left.
BlueS
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My relationship which broke because of the geographic distance was in the same country. He got busy with his life in the capital, so travelling the hour back and forth became for him a hassle, until it stopped. We're on good terms, but it does hurt the circumstance when I think about it.
Ever since that relationship, the one's I've had after it, they always had an obvious dead-end. It isn't easy having dead-ends.
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Sign UpAmadeus
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Human relationships in general, dear BlueS, tend to cease by time, not only homosexual relations. This is life in the world, not only in Dubai. I know you were specific about something, but I wanted to leave that note. Anyone agrees?
BlueS
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I agree that they cease, but I'm lamenting the effort that isn't put into trying to keep it alive. The "Oh well" attitude becomes hurtful when it is particularly obvious at the dead-end of a relationship.
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Sign Uplonelynumber
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Human relations are the most fragile of all things, hence the human quality, but what makes it so then that they 'cease with time'? What BlueS is talking about is not only in Dubai really but in every major city in the world, most hot spots in the West go by the same weak notions of relationship. 'Transience' is the word that best defines the experience of the modern world, the whole experience of society and life is based on the assumption' of finitude. What would be the problem then (theoretically speaking) of moving out to the partner's country? I mean, not an ideal solution, but well, I did it once, it gave me a few happy years :)
Joon
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Never been in a long term relationship or in any serious relationship to be honest, but my worry with this would be... what happens when you leave your life behind, move to a different country to be with this person, and then you realize that it was a one-sided commitment all along? It's a pretty big risk, and once you have a stable job, friends, family, a routine, it's very hard to leave it all behind for something "unsure." I agree with kuwaitilove that if the partner is honest that it was a dead end, it's better than finding out that it's a dead end much later into the relationship, it might prevent me from being too close to this person instead of being misguided. Once I fall in love I assume it will be too hard for me to control my feelings or attachments and that's scary :(
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Sign Upkuwaitilove
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I just had a recent experience that reminded me of this thread. Dead-end.
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Sign UpArchipelago
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Oooh, interesting thread!
As someone else living in the Gulf, I too have wondered about how long a relationship here could last (it wouldn't matter if it were with a local or another westerner, because ultimately either I or both of us would leave the country...mind you, I've only been here three months and haven't really met any other gays so...wait, what was my point again?)
I agree with something in all the posts on this page :) the majority have said that transcience in realtionships is not just a Gulf thing, nor a homosexual thing, but rather part of adult human life, especially in large cities. However, as I've lived in three different countries now (outside of my homeland), I can say in my personal observations that being gay certainlyhas an affect on transcience. How so? Well, when I lived in Budapest and Istanbul, I had large circles of friends, made up of both foreigners and locals. Several of my friends in both locations have wound up engaged and or married, often involving different nationalities (and yes, I am talking about opposite-gender partnerships here). Sure, not every romance has resulted in marriage, but what has become noticable to me over the last four years is the lack of sustained, long-term relationships amongst my gay friends (myself, sadly, included in this).
For my part, what has kept me from being in a long-term relationship since I left my country has been (in no particular order): language barriers; the fact that my boyfriend at the time was sometimes not out to his family or even friends; realising we were not compatible for each other; and yes, the fact that I, as a foreigner, wasn't looking to stay long term in that country (well, actually, I could be quite easily convinced to live in Turkey again), so in some cases I thought to myself "well, is there a point?"
but But BUT, I don't like that I *let* that thought stop me, in some cases, from pursing more with some of those guys...
Hmm, I hope at least some of that ^ made sense....this post ended up quite differently to how I had planned it. So to you, BlueS, please know that at least one (and I'm sure) gay in the Gulf is trying not to limit himself with time, at least not now. I'd also like to say that, after four years of a more-or-less transcient lifestyle, I am getting a bit tired of it, and so am thinking more towards the long term. Heh, if I'm feeling this way, then I can't be the only gay westerner (or otherwise) who feels the same.
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