About 2 months ago, I felt it was time my sister found out. What I really felt was that I could talk to her and confide in her. I had followed the advice that I had gotten in a previous post and I had been building up to it. I had been leaving little hints here and there, getting her opinion on homosexuality, testing the waters, really. At first, I told myself to be patient and wait for the right time. Then I thought about how I had no idea what the right time felt like, so how was I to recognize it. I made the decision based on the fact that I felt like I could tell her.
So one day, I composed an email where I told her I was gay. I talked about how I had known for some time, how it hadn’t been a choice for me. I told her that I was aware of how difficult my life was going to be but that it was my life and I was ready to protect and fight for it. I even touched the religion issue. One of the reasons I didn’t want to tell her was because I was, and kind of still am, confused about where I stood with my religion. Anyways, I waited till she left for work and built up courage (Read: went cold all over, started shaking and, at one point, cried with fear) and sent the email! Resisted the 30 second window gmail provides for undoing a sent email and tried to calm myself down.
I had to wait a few years. OK a few hours, but they felt like years! She finally replied via text and she said that I was an idiot for being so worried and that it was OK. They felt like the best words I had ever read and I thought, ‘Wow. Those are the most amazing words I’ve ever heard.’ But what did it mean? Is she really going to be OK with my life and my choices? When I had approached the topic before she said it wouldn’t be that easy (we were talking about a movie, at the time).
When she came home later that night, I talked to her. And she was suspiciously cool with me. She told me that she had done her research and she knew that being a homosexual was not a sin because it was not a choice and that she was mostly worried about mom and dad. She was very adamant about them not finding out, ever. I agreed. She said that they would be heartbroken if I didn’t marry. I told her that they would be but I couldn’t marry a man. It all fell apart when I told her that I would date girls. She was shocked. Apparently, she thought that I would ignore it and live as a straight girl with different choices. I told her that I couldn’t live without love and she told me to ‘love Allah’. I didn’t know what to say after and we parted ways and cried in our different corners.
I realize now that in the weeks that followed I had grieved. At first, I was depressed and cried easily. It stopped when my friend told me to change the way I thought. If I felt sad, I should ask myself why and then do something about it (wise words). Well, then followed the anger. I was supremely pissed off. ‘Love Allah’?! Yes, I do! But I don’t need to be celibate to prove that and that’s easier said than done. She has her own boyfriend so isn’t that a sin too? Who is she to judge me? She reads a lot of literature that deals with homosexuality so isn’t she being a hypocrite when she says that I can’t be with someone who I can truly love? She had no idea about all the things I was feeling and thinking.
Slowly, very slowly, I started broaching the subject with her. Sometimes, I’d mention it in passing or make a comment- little things. As time went by, I realized that she was shocked and she needs time to adjust and even though she isn’t all happy about it, if it comes down to it she may be on my side. I’m very careful to not overdo anything. This one time, I had something I needed to tell her but I said that she probably wasn’t ready and she said that I should even if she wasn’t and she listened to me. That really meant a lot. Once I told her about how it took me a month to accept myself, to which she gave me a look and told me to understand that she needed time too- a LOT more time. But I’m really hoping that she will come around eventually.
Thing is, she never initiates such a conversation. I asked her once, if she had any questions. She said no, and I asked why? Wasn’t she curious about anything? To which she said no again. Things are getting better though. I understand that talking about it is one thing but if she sees me with a girl, it will be different. But then again, baby steps. I believe that she’d have accepted me when she would start initiating the difficult conversations about my sexuality, be it serious or humorous in nature.